This was posted to Google+ the other day, and it’s pretty accurate:
December 11, 2013
I’ve heard all of these responses many, many times
Comments Off on I’ve heard all of these responses many, many times
December 8, 2013
An annotated child’s Christmas wish list
Drew Magary got the list of things his daughter wants for Christmas this year. He explains why she’s not getting some of her wishes:
Now I’m the parent and it’s my turn to engage in the futile task of managing my child’s expectations. This is the actual wish list that my daughter, who is 7, handed me a few weeks ago. It’s completely unreasonable and I have no way of explaining this to her without being a dick, or without her thinking I’m pulling some reverse-psychology shit on her. Let’s take a look at this thing, item by item.
[…]
“A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime.” The fuck is this? What am I, Galactus? Do you understand the catastrophic universal implications of possessing a shape-shifting, time-traveling device? Even Rob Gronkowski knows that isn’t to be toyed with. You could turn it into a separate moon any time you like and then the Earth would be fucking DESTROYED by the additional gravitation. You cannot be trusted with this at age 7. If such a thing existed and were affordable, I wouldn’t have children. I would have a SPACE BROTHEL. There’s a reason that we have the laws of physics in place. And you expect this thing to be portable as well? You cannot have this.
“1,000 bucks.” This is Christmas, not an Italian wedding. Uncle Vito isn’t gonna slip you an envelope in between stints at the raw bar. We put thought into our gifts here. You want cash? Clear the spiders out of the attic. I’ll give you three bucks for it. A thousand dollars. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, but you cannot have this.
[…]
“Monster High ear buds.” This is Monster High, and it’s completely fucked. It’s like someone at Mattel held up a market research study and screamed, “Our Barbie dolls aren’t causing as much body dysmorphia in children as they used to! MAKE ME A LINE OF BULIMIC VAMPIRE DOLLS OR YOU’RE ALL FUCKING FIRED.” How are these toys even legal? It’s like handing your child a Steve Madden ad. Anyway, these are cheap, so maybe I’ll get them if you are good. FUN FACT: A child could go on a five-state killing spree and no parent would be heartless enough to actually bail on Christmas presents. The nice list has worse grade inflation than Harvard.
[…]
“A pet puppy. Border collie with a peacesign coller, and a leash.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Hell no. Do you see any borders in this house that need patrolling, apart from the bathroom door when Daddy is having his alone time? No. Do you see any sheep that need herding? No. Are you gonna give a shit about walking it or feeding it after, oh, three days? No. All of the work will be left to me. This site says, “Border collies can become aggressive due to fear. … Do not approach or handle your dog suddenly from behind.” Great. Fucking great. That is the exact wrong breed for a human child. Children will sneak up behind dogs and bash a tambourine into their heads because that’s funny. You cannot have this dog.
Comments Off on An annotated child’s Christmas wish list
December 7, 2013
The NFC North QBs in picture form and “Rudolph the Vikings Tight End”
After seeing several amusing retweets by @ArifHasanDN, I started following @DrawPlayDave for entertaining little things like his pictoral explanation of the quarterbacks of the NFC North and his Twitter Christmas song for Kyle Rudolph:
Rudolph the Vikings Tight End
Had a very bad QB
Ponder was so awful
And he smelled a little like pee
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) December 7, 2013
All of Rudolph's teammates
Would make fun of Christian P
Cause he could never get Rudolph
A good pass for a TD
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) December 7, 2013
Then one cold November day
AP came to say
Rudolph with your skin so white
Block for me let's do this right
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) December 7, 2013
Then Minnesota rejoiced
While they watched them score TDs
And that bad QB ponder
Hung himself from a tree
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) December 7, 2013
Comments Off on The NFC North QBs in picture form and “Rudolph the Vikings Tight End”
Bohemian Rhapsody: Star Wars Edition
Published on 4 Dec 2013
Press “CC” in the player for the lyrics! Based on “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen and STAR WARS created by George Lucas. Performed by the Star Wars cosplayers of the Arizona geek community!
Produced by the Students and Faculty of the Digital Video Program at University of Advancing Technology in Tempe, Arizona (http://www.uat.edu)
“Star Wars Edition” Lyrics by Stephen Panagiotis, Jamall Richards and Paul DeNigris
“Star Wars Edition” Vocals Produced by Joey Sawhill & Adam Newton
All vocals by Adam Newton
Engineered & Mixed by Joey Sawhill
Comments Off on Bohemian Rhapsody: Star Wars Edition
December 4, 2013
The essential unseriousness of the Chong parliamentary reform debate
I agree w/ @acoyne's pro-Chong stance on parl reform. But Im skeptical of Andrew's shaming of those he suspects of counter-Chongian activity
— Jonathan Kay (@jonkay) December 4, 2013
Strike against the anti-Chong right-deviationist wind! Deepen the criticism of @jonkay!
— Colby Cosh (@colbycosh) December 4, 2013
@acoyne @mdentandt @colbycosh I have spotted @cselley in the Great Square whipping up a crowd of proles into anti-Chongian agitation.
— Jonathan Kay (@jonkay) December 4, 2013
Behold the Emmanuel Goldstein of the anti-Chongian reactionaries "@InklessPW: Which are your favourite reasoned arguments against the bill?”
— Jonathan Kay (@jonkay) December 4, 2013
@jonkay @acoyne @mdentandt @colbycosh @cselley Careful, or they may be brought before the House Committee on un-Chongian Activities!
— Mark Cameron (@marktcameron) December 4, 2013
@marktcameron @acoyne @mdentandt @colbycosh @cselley I have in my hand a list of 205 Canadian columnists harbouring anti-Chongian sympathies
— Jonathan Kay (@jonkay) December 4, 2013
Comments Off on The essential unseriousness of the Chong parliamentary reform debate
December 3, 2013
Blackadder Rides Again
Published on 30 May 2013
Documentary looking at the much-loved sitcom from its first transmission in 1983. The programme features an exclusive in-depth interview with Edmund Blackadder himself, Rowan Atkinson, the first time he has agreed to talk about his experiences making the show. Also reflecting on their time on the show are other key members of the team, including Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, Tony Robinson, Rik Mayall, Ben Elton and Richard Curtis.
Comments Off on Blackadder Rides Again
November 30, 2013
Need a new conspiracy theory?
A couple of my friends posted links to this rather useful flowchart to help you find the conspiracy theory that’s right for you:
![[Click to see full-size flowchart]](https://quotulatiousness.ca/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Crispians-Conspiracy-Flowchart.png)
[Click to see full-size flowchart]
H/T to Jessica Brisbane and John McCluskey for the link.
Comments Off on Need a new conspiracy theory?
November 26, 2013
The illusion of omnicompetence
I’ve expressed this as variations on “the deeper the specialization, the more those specialists feel they’re experts on much wider subjects”. Megan McArdle‘s formulation is rather neater than that:
Amid the chaos, I got a call from the secretary of a very senior executive at the firm. His new voice-recognition software wasn’t working, and he needed me to come up right away.
I had servers that weren’t working right and a bunch of workstations that couldn’t access the network. “He should call the help desk,” I told her.
Her tone was arctic.
“He doesn’t deal with help desk personnel,” she said. “Please come up here right away.”
So I went to the office of Mr. Senior Executive. He was not at his desk. I played with his new software, which seemed to be working fine — a bit slow, but in 1998, voice-recognition software took a while to become acclimated to your voice. I told the secretary it seemed to be working, and I left my pager number. It went off as I got to the elevator bank. I trekked wearily back to the office, where Mr. Senior Executive gestured at his computer. “It still doesn’t work right,” he said, and started to leave the office again.
“Hold on, please,” I said. “Can you show me exactly what’s not working?”
“It’s not doing what I want,” he said.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“I want it to be,” he replied, “like the computer on Star Trek: The Next Generation.”
“Sir, that’s an actor,” I replied evenly, despite being on the sleepless verge of hysteria. With even more heroic self-restraint, I did not add “We can get you an actor to sit under your desk. But we’d have to pay SAG rates.”
Now, when I used to tell this story to tech people, the moral was that executives are idiots. No, make that “users are idiots.” Tech people tend to regard their end-users as a sort of intermediate form of life between chimps and information-technology staffers: They’ve stopped throwing around their feces, but they can’t really be said to know how to use tools.
And, of course, users can do some idiotic things. But this particular executive was not an idiot. He was, in fact, a very smart man who had led financial institutions on two continents. None of the IT staffers laughing at his elementary mistake would have lasted for a week in his job.
Call it “the illusion of omnicompetence.” When you know a lot about one thing, you spend a lot of time watching the less knowledgeable make elementary errors. You can easily infer from this that you are very smart, and they are very stupid. Presumably, our bank executive knew that the phasers and replicators on Star Trek are fake; why did he think that the talking computer would be any more real?
Comments Off on The illusion of omnicompetence
November 23, 2013
QotD: The evocative power of smell
I’ve read that it’s smells that humans remember the longest, or are the most likely to jog memories. After positing that, the pseudoscientists often talk about Grandma’s cookies. Let me tell you about smells.
It smells like exotic bread is baking near the dust collector when you put pine through the drum sander. You know the fine dust is giving you nose cancer and lung trouble so you’re almost immune to its charms. Almost. There was this smell once, when I had to renovate an apartment a guy died in. He was in there a good long time, too. It’s the smell of the mass grave. That was fun. But nothing can compare to the smell of the abrasive cutoff saw going through steel. It makes brimstone smell like French pastry.
You see, to cut metal like that you don’t often use a saw with teeth. It’s just an abrasive disc, and you send a shower of sparks and an acrid, burning blast of stink up your nose. It’s like snorting sand from the outdoor ashtray next to the door at the place they hold Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I’ll never forget it.
“Strange Adventures In The Fall And Rise Of Sippican Cottage”, Sippican Cottage, 2013-09-04
Comments Off on QotD: The evocative power of smell
November 21, 2013
QotD: Michael Bloomberg wants you to pick a fight this Thanksgiving
I don’t know what holiday dinners are like at Michael Bloomberg’s house, but I suspect there’s an awful lot of picking at food while the windbag at the head of the table lectures the assembled guests about why he’s right and they’re all idiots. That’s the message I get from his pet Mayors Against Illegal Guns organization, which wants its loyal minions, if there are any, to sit down to their Thanksgiving feasts and immediately start fights with relatives they haven’t seen in a year about gun control. All you need is a handy list of tendentious talking points — and a shitload of patience from Cousin Bob, who rebuilds old pistols for fun and just wrapped himself around half a bottle of Jack Daniels.
J.D. Tuccille, “Bloomberg Group Wants You To Start Fights About Gun Control at Thanksgiving”, Hit and Run, 2013-11-21
Comments Off on QotD: Michael Bloomberg wants you to pick a fight this Thanksgiving
November 12, 2013
Useful answer sheet for new technology effects
Every time a new technological gizmo comes along, there are some questions which immediately start to be asked (usually by non-tech-savvy journalists). Here’s the XKCD summary sheet of simple answers for technology questions:
Comments Off on Useful answer sheet for new technology effects
November 10, 2013
QotD: The New Zealand rugby team
There is a saying that you do not beat New Zealand — you just get more points than them at the final whistle.
Tim Worstall, “About next week’s rugby”, TimWorstall.com, 2013-11-10
Comments Off on QotD: The New Zealand rugby team
November 6, 2013
Your website needs more Infographics!
Click image to see full-size infographic at SMBC
Comments Off on Your website needs more Infographics!
November 3, 2013
Matt Welch and his waking-up nightmare
Matt didn’t wake up comfortably this morning:
My wake-up nightmare was better than yours: Was forced to read aloud a Harlequin history of the torrid love affair between Ayn Rand & Soros!
— Matt Welch (@mleewelch) November 3, 2013
This was read at a meeting of the Fresno City Council. According to the history–which seemed suspect–the lovers met in Nazi Germany.
— Matt Welch (@mleewelch) November 3, 2013
The two had commandeered Hitler's secret boats to conduct daring explorations and build miles-long oil platforms off the coast of Belgium.
— Matt Welch (@mleewelch) November 3, 2013
I was reading this under duress, because of a drug kingpin/local grandee who was about to set Fresno City Council on fire with golf balls.
— Matt Welch (@mleewelch) November 3, 2013
The pictures in the slideshow of the young Soros were hilarious–basically the Eraserhead movie poster, but with white hair and insane grin.
— Matt Welch (@mleewelch) November 3, 2013
Moral of the story: Daylight Savings Time is just WRONG.
— Matt Welch (@mleewelch) November 3, 2013
Comments Off on Matt Welch and his waking-up nightmare
November 2, 2013
Jogging – the exercise of the devil
Scott Feschuk loves jogging. Well, he loves some things about jogging: pretty much everything about it except the actual “jogging” part:
I took up jogging recently because I had begun to lose sight of certain things in life, such as my genitals. Year upon year of sports viewing — abetted by halftime nachos, intermission chili dogs and anytime beers—had taken a physical toll. I’m not saying I was out of shape, but I still remember my first run in the springtime: the sweat, the laboured breathing, the searing chest pain. And that was just from climbing onto the treadmill.
Several months later, I am a changed man! Sure, I’m pretty much the same weight and I don’t look any better. And sure, I still consider the stairs to be the Devil’s method of ascent. (Folks, there’s a reason God invented the elevator, the escalator and waiting patiently until the object you want eventually comes downstairs of its own accord.)
[…]
Getting injured. Early this fall, I strained my hip and couldn’t run for a couple weeks. This turned out to be an ideal scenario because I could still self-identify as a jogger without having to, you know, jog. I’d wake up and think, “Yep, I’d be out there crushing a 10K run right now if I hadn’t hurt myself being SO SUPER ATHLETIC. Hmm, perhaps my recovery will be hastened by multiple Eggos!” By the way, there’s no quicker way to get in tight with runners than to ask them about their injuries. Runners love talking about injuries. YES, OLD MAN, PLEASE CONTINUE YOUR MESMERIZING TALE OF THE GREAT HAMSTRING PULL OF 1993.
The sense of satisfaction. I like knowing that I play a positive role out there: Other out-of-shape people see me and instantly feel better about themselves. They think, “Sure, my knees are shot and I’m running a 13-minute mile, but at least I’m not getting repeatedly concussed by my own man boobs like THAT guy.”
Comments Off on Jogging – the exercise of the devil
