Quotulatiousness

April 24, 2019

Vikings GM Rick Spielman’s pre-draft press conference, as interpreted by Don Glover

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 06:00

It’s almost time for the NFL’s 2019 draft, and everyone is sick to death of mock drafts by this point. Everyone’s cousin’s mechanic’s hairdresser has submitted multiple mocks so far, and the one thing that’s for certain is that none of them are right. When the real draft starts, the general manager for the Minnesota Vikings and 31 GMs for other, lesser teams will begin the televised high stakes poker and swap shop that is the modern NFL draft. On Tuesday, Rick Spielman got up in front of the Twin Cities media and lied his head off discussed his draft plan and philosophy. As the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover explains, you can’t actually trust anything any of the GMs say at this time of year, but most especially good ol’ “Trader” Rick:

When Rick Spielman talks, we listen. REALLY listen.

Right now, there is an elite fraternity of 32 men who are being paid millions of dollar to try and bluff, lie and cajole their way into the draft class of their dreams, while trying to deny their other 31 fraternity brothers the draft class of THEIR dreams.

It’s a fascinating social experiment, and God forgive me but I LOVE this time of year. Who’s telling the truth, who’s floating trial balloons, and who’s flat out lying has become the best reality television in the country today, if you ask me.

“But Ted” you say to yourself, “why do you enjoy grown millionaires lie about sports to each other? You have grandchildren now, don’t you want to expose them to honorable men, doing honorable things?”

LOL sure, but this is just sports, so let’s lighten up a bit.

So why do I like this? Because of the GM the Vikings have, one Rick Spielman, Professional Football Man of Leisure. Spielman has taken the pre-draft subterfuge to levels not seen since the height of the Cold War, and no it wouldn’t surprise me if he runs dead drops and counterintelligence operations all the time.

So when Spielman holds court with reporters prior to the draft, it’s must-watch TV. But one cannot take Rick Spielman’s words at face value. No, no no no no noooooooo sir. Do that, and you’ll be disappointed when the Vikings first four picks aren’t a kicker, a punter, and two long snappers. You need to understand nuance, what’s real and what isn’t, and a full comprehension of the technical term we call pre-draft bullshit.

That’s why I am here.* I am the World’s Self Proclaimed Rickspeak Expert, having obtained my PhD from Normandale Community College in the subject.** What I do is take what Rick says and translate it into what he REALLY means.***

* Of all the reasons in the world as to why I’m still here, this is like second to last.

** Okay fine, it was just a Master’s

*** I make up everything. Nothing is real. Welcome to the Matrix, Neo.

April 13, 2019

History Summarized: Steel (Feat. “That Works”)

Filed under: Europe, History, Humour, India, Japan, Middle East, Science, Technology, Weapons — Tags: , , , , , — Nicholas @ 04:00

Overly Sarcastic Productions
Published on 12 Apr 2019

More from Matt & Ilya on “That Works”: https://bit.ly/2D0A6qk

More about steel from Shadiversity:
— “When Was Steel Invented” https://bit.ly/2uSwcvh
— “The Riddle of Steel” https://bit.ly/2G6TB28
— “The Oldest Steel Sword” https://bit.ly/2VvWVZZ

CORRECTION from 12:10 — The back of a Katana after differential hardening process is a lower-carbon STEEL, but it is still Steel rather than Iron. My mistake. The higher-carbon content Martensite forms the cutting edge, and low-carbon steel forms the spine.

BLUE’S BOOK: Philosophicalphridays.com

PATREON: https://www.Patreon.com/OSP

April 9, 2019

Blue’s Dumb History Tales

Filed under: Britain, China, Economics, History, Humour — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 02:00

Overly Sarcastic Productions
Published on 8 Mar 2019

Please check out That Works for the best blacksmithing on YouTube: https://goo.gl/vXsuFt

What do you get when you cross a month that has 5 Fridays with a historian who can’t do math? This nonsense, apparently.

PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/OSP

April 5, 2019

If Shakespearean Insults Were Used Today – Anglophenia Ep 13

Filed under: Britain, History, Humour — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 02:00

Anglophenia
Published on 24 Sep 2014

Siobhan Thompson reacts to everyday office frustrations with some barbs from the Bard. Check out the Shakespeare plays from which the insults originated here: http://www.bbcamerica.com/anglophenia…

April 3, 2019

A review of Woke by Titania McGrath

Filed under: Books, Humour, Politics — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The poetic titan of Twitter, ultra-woke voice of her generation Titania McGrath (recently revealed to be the creation of comedian Andrew Doyle), is now a published author:

… Titania McGrath, the radical intersectional feminist poet who verbally bombards the “white supremacist patriarchy.” A malcontent who is fed up with us ignoramuses, McGrath has published her first book. Simply titled Woke: A Guide to Social Justice, it’s a manifesto written in prose possessing a revolutionary zeal so potent Che Guevara would lecherously swoon and request that she provide him with remedial education in social revolution.

McGrath addresses the vast intricacies of wokeness and responds to the counterarguments that the agents of the patriarchy often make. She also outlines how this puritanical movement can attract converts. Her insight is sought after since, after all, “our society is a slumbering beast that has been trapped in its coma for far too long.”

Proving to be Winston Churchill’s 21st-century equivalent, McGrath teabags “the foes of justice with a gender-neutral scrotum.” And challenges the “illusion of freedom” to extirpate Nazis and destroy any other obstacles to the “Intersectional Socialist Utopia.”

We all live in a “heteronormative patriarchy” that’s a “Tyranny of Facts” erected by the “Scourge of Whiteness.” Knowledge is a “patriarchal construct” that is only convenient for those who want to strengthen the white male authoritarians’ grip on power. So what must we do to rectify this?

According to McGrath, our society is almost irreparably “unwoke,” and we might have to implement drastic purgatory measures. We shall be heedful of the wisdom of brave reformists like Hannah Gadsby and eradicate anything offensive. Reforming things like comedy and any other art form perceived to be toxically masculine should be our first priority. Scientists will also tremble at the feet of these woke revolutionaries. As McGrath avers: “The idea that knowledge is more important than feelings is everything that is wrong with the field of modern science.”

With a knack for conflict analysis that would rival Churchill’s, McGrath identifies our real enemies with panache. “Every sperm is an invader” if you didn’t know, and those who commit cultural genocide by doing yoga are civilization’s true adversaries. As are compilers of the English dictionary who give credence to antediluvian definitions of racism that enable us to think a person of colour can also be racist.

QotD: Veganism has its drawbacks

Filed under: Environment, Food, Health, Humour, Quotations — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

Evangelical vegans will tell you that following a purely ‘plant-based’ diet is not only morally commendable, it’s also much better for your health. But if my experience is anything to go by, the opposite is true.

I felt absolutely fine for the first few days. I didn’t miss meat at all, certainly not in terms of taste or flavour. The only thing I really felt an absence of was eggs. Since I embarked on my mammoth weight-loss project, eggs have become a dietary staple for me: nothing fills me up as well or gives me quite as much long-lasting energy as an egg.

I also found I had to eat larger portions to feel full — and I felt hungry again after a shorter period of time. But even that didn’t bother me, since what I was eating was so wholesome.

No, the real issue became apparent after the third or fourth day. Not to put too fine a point on it: wind.

My stomach was, quite literally, in ferment. All those legumes and pulses and generalised vegetable matter appeared to have turned into a giant internal compost heap. It wasn’t too bad in the mornings; but by early afternoon I was like a cow who had overdosed on clover.

At first, I palmed the outcome off on our three dogs. But after a while the problem became so severe that even they could not be expected to account for the frequency and potency of aromas emerging from my lower digestive tract.

One of the key arguments of vegans against livestock farming is the harm animals cause to the planet through the amount of methane they produce; if my experience was anything to go by, a vegan human is capable of producing just as much, if not more. I was a one-woman global warming hazard.

My children, of course, thought it was hilarious. But from my point of view, it was not only unpleasant and occasionally embarrassing, it was also incredibly uncomfortable. I felt bloated, soggy and sluggish, and began to dread meal times.

Following the advice of the nutritionist, I took to soaking nuts, oats and seeds overnight. But it made no difference. If anything, the problem began to get worse. The more healthy vegan food I put into my body, the worse my stomach problems became.

As for the much-vaunted ‘vegan glow’, no sign. Instead, my skin felt dry and dehydrated, and there was a distinctly greyish tinge to my complexion. But still, I persisted.

Sarah Vine, “Going vegan sent me off my trolley! Exhausted, irritable and don’t even start of the tummy troubles – SARAH VINE’s bid to join the health revolution left her VERY green around the gills”, Daily Mail, 2019-02-22.

April 1, 2019

How to hide shop expenses from your spouse

Filed under: Humour, Tools, Woodworking — Tags: , , , , , — Nicholas @ 02:00

Rex Krueger
Published on 14 Mar 2018

More videos and exclusive content: http://www.patreon.com/rexkrueger

In a spirit of fun and humor, I give you this guide to buying tools and materials and then hiding the expenses from your wife or husband. I’ll show you how to mix shop supplies in with groceries or auto parts and use the internet to keep some money on the side. You can also learn how to hide your paper-trail and smuggle packages into the house.

Also, this video is dedicated to all the husbands and wives who make shop life possible by working real jobs and helping us realize our dreams.

March 31, 2019

CSI: Robert Mueller won’t be renewed for a third season

Filed under: Humour, Politics, USA — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 03:00

In the latest Andrew Heaton newsletter, a brief ode to CSI: Robert Mueller, which didn’t get enough of a ratings boost from this season to get renewed for next year:

The biggest news of the week is, of course, that the Supreme Court ruled a guy in Alaska can continue moose hunting on his hovercraft. (Thank God — if we can’t blast away at megafauna from a floating disk, why did we even bother fighting the British to begin with?!) After that spectacular work of jurisprudence from the highest court in the land, the second biggest news item is probably the Mueller report.

[…]

Back to the Mueller report. I didn’t really follow CSI: Robert Mueller over these last two seasons. For one thing, it seemed very complicated. One character got indicted over rugs. Another character got indicted over porn hush money. These always struck me as convoluted plot devices.

Secondly, I suspected that the Mueller report would wind up being more smoke than fire, so I decided not to do daily play-by-play’s, and instead focused my prodigious analysis on things like hover board moose hunting. (For example, if you shoot a moose while levitating, does the activity fall under FAA jurisdiction, or is it still under the purview of the Federal Moose Department, like everywhere else?)

My friends who breathlessly and repeatedly stated that Trump was hours away from a Watergate-level scandal seemed very confident the walls were closing in, and very eager to accumulate any and all ammunition to fire at the White House. For them, the Mueller investigation did not exist to determine whether or not the president colluded with Russia. Its purpose was to broadly accumulate sufficient material to impeach Trump with, on any charge capable of pulling it off. But that was never the remit of Mr. Mueller — nobody ever said, “Hey throw some spaghetti at impeachment charges until something sticks.”

To be clear, I am not a fan of Mr. Trump, nor would I hesitate to support his impeachment if presented with good evidence that he broke the law or unlawfully shot a moose from an unregistered hovercraft outside of designated moose-killing zones (MKZ). But if we’re going to go down the impeachment route, there needs to be a smoking gun and a clearly outlined felony charge. Removing the head of state from office through political guile and vague technicalities wouldn’t alleviate the staggering divisiveness Mr. Trump has bequeathed us, it would bake it in for two generations.

Despicable man-child though he may be, overall it’s a win for our country that its leader turned out to not collaborate with our arch-rivals to undermine democracy. That’s a net positive. I’ve become more Burkean during the Trump years, and worry about the institutional damage his relentless tantrums are inflicting on constitutional restraints, the veracity of courts, and the role of the media. I don’t want to add the validity of American elections to his collateral damage.

You can subscribe to the Heaton newsletter here or you can visit his website here.

March 27, 2019

Gilgamesh vs. Humbaba – Bronze Age Myths – Extra Mythology – #2

Filed under: History, Humour, Middle East — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 04:00

Extra Credits
Published on 25 Mar 2019

Join the Patreon community! http://bit.ly/EMPatreon

Gilgamesh and Enkidu set out to slay Humbaba. With the help of the goddess queen Ninsun in obtaining a blessing from the gods, these two men became brothers, who went on to have, like, totally epic dreams, bro, in the “House of the Dream God” which empowered them to take on the monstrous foe.

Someone had way too much fun doing the voices for this episode. Just sayin’

March 23, 2019

17 Million F*ck Offs – A Song About Brexit

Filed under: Britain, Europe, Humour, Media, Politics — Tags: , , , , , — Nicholas @ 04:00

Dominic Frisby
Published on Mar 5, 2019

Please help take this song to number one by buying a copy of the single at iTunes/Amazon etc
Amazon – https://www.amazon.co.uk/17-Million-F… ITunes (ignore Apple Music and go to the iTunes store) – https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/17-…

I’ll put in other links as and when they come in.

Written and performed by Dominic Frisby
Music composed and played by Martin Wheatley (based on a traditional Devon folk song)
Video directed by anon
Audio mixed and recorded by Wayne McIntyre
Assistant director Mark “Yeti” Cribbs

Lyrics

On the 23rd of June, 2016
The people of the United Kingdom – and Gibraltar – went to vote
On an issue that for some had been burning for years
The question in full – and unaltered – was – I quote

Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union
or leave the European Union?

It was the greatest democratic turnout in British history, I do not scoff
And when the time came to speak the British said f*ck off.
F*ck off.

Campaigning had gone on for many a month
With debate and discussion on many a front
They’d argued they’d fought they’d smeared and pulled stunts
There was David Cameron. Theresa May. George Osborne.
Tony Blair. John Major. The BBC.
The British told them to f*ck off. The British told them to f*ck off.

If you vote to leave, you’ll lose your job
Vote to leave, you’ll lose your home.
The ensuing recession will last for years
Said David Cameron. Theresa May. George Osborne.
And the Treasury. Tony Blair. John Major. The BBC.
The Bank of England. Mark Carney. The EU. The IMF. The US president. Saint Obama. Back of the queue. Loads of celebrities. Gary Lineker. JK Rowling. Benedict Cumbertwat. Lord Adonis. Who the fuck’s he anyway?
The British told them to f*ck off. Seventeen million f*ck offs.

They wheeled in the experts to tell us what’s right
They gave us the benefit of their foresight
To leave is calamitous, that’s definite.
Food shortages. No medicine. Planes grounded. House price crash. ½ a million jobs lost. Cost of £4,300 to every home. Stock market collapse. Riots. No sandwiches.
There’d be an outbreak of super gonorrhea. They seriously said that. Donald Tusk at the EU said it would be the end of Western civilization as we know it. I’m not joking. And one more thing. If you vote to leave, that makes you racist.
The British told them to f*ck off. Seventeen million f*ck offs.

The vote is final, there’s no going back
Although now they want to go back and re-vote
I think we know what the answer will be
To Gary Lineker. Alastair Campbell. Dominic Grieve. Chuka Umana. Keir Starma. Vince Cable. Anna Soubry (not a Nazi). Rory Bremner. Armando Ianucci. Delia Smith. Steve Coogan. David Lammy. Lord Adonis. Who the fuck’s he anyway?
The British will tell them f*ck off. 17 million f*cks offs.

ISRC#: TCAED1904492

March 21, 2019

Remy: “Affluenflammation”

Filed under: Economics, History, Humour, Media, Politics, USA — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 06:00

ReasonTV
Published on 20 Mar 2019

When quality of life improved, doctors discover a new affliction.

Reason is the planet’s leading source of news, politics, and culture from a libertarian perspective. Go to reason.com for a point of view you won’t get from legacy media and old left-right opinion magazines.

A parody of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Californication” written by Remy.

Music tracks, mastering, and background vocals by Ben Karlstrom
Video produced by Austin Bragg.

LYRICS

There’s a non-foregone phenomenon in any prosperous nation
When primal fears all disappear the brain then gets a sensation
The medical name we gave this pain is affluenflammation

Ol’ Bill Tub is chugging a jug of cold bovine lactation
When his eyes then realize that carton side’s got information
And since his life contains no strife it’s affluenflammation

For the better part of history diseases all were raging
Measles, mumps up on your junk like they were Kevin Spacey
Then came Jonas Salk
Makes you wonder what all for…

Cuz we’ve got affluenflammation
We’ve got affluenflammation

Ol’ Chip Black is cracking the back of twelve live-steamed crustaceans
For the perks and glee of living free he starts to lose appreciation
And if you probe his frontal lobe — yep — affluenflammation

Through the course of human history each day we faced starvation
Rats and pox and chamber pots, streets filled with defecation
Free markets changed the norm
Makes you wonder what all for…

Cuz we’ve got affluenflammation
We’ve got affluenflammation
We’ve got affluenflammation
We’ve got affluenflammation

March 20, 2019

History Summarized: Medieval China (Ft Jack Rackam)

Filed under: China, History, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 04:00

Overly Sarcastic Productions
Published on 15 Mar 2019

Check out our website at http://www.OverlySarcasticProductions.com

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme…
China broke agaiiinnnnnn — dammit china you only had one job

Jack Rackam’s Channel: https://goo.gl/EgwpGu

PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/OSP

March 19, 2019

New NFL rules designed to significantly reduce injuries

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

I must have misread the calendar, because this advance report from Ted Glover at the Daily Norseman seems to be a couple of weeks early:

As it turns out, the ‘no offensive lineman’ strategy was a deliberate plan employed by the Vikings, as crazy as it sounds. After speaking with people familiar with the situation, the Vikings have been the only team to get a copy of the new rule changes for 2019. The big one that is going to shock teams and fans alike is that the NFL will be transitioning from full on tackle football to a 7 on 7 passing drill format.

‘Look, it’s not our fault we got this memo before everyone else’, said a Vikings official familiar with the situation. ‘The NFL is now a passing league, and they’re concerned about player safety, so this is the next logical step. After the league decided tackling quarterbacks was bad, this just makes the most sense. I mean, if you can’t tackle the QB, why have an offensive line?’

‘The Titans are gonna shit themselves over that (Roger) Saffold contract’, said a second source also familiar with the current situation.

However, there is still a need for defensive linemen.

‘Oh yeah, we’ll still have a couple d-linemen, so it’s kind of a modified 7 on 7’, said a third Vikings official, who would only agree to speak on a condition of anonymity. ‘More like a 9 on 9. Two defensive linemen will stand on either side of the center, and there will be a new referee called the ‘Mississippi’ judge. At the snap, he will loudly yell ‘ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI, THREE MISSISSIPPI’ and the defensive linemen will be able to rush the QB. They can either bat down a thrown ball, or if they two hand tap him between the neck and waist before he throws the ball, it’s ruled a sack. And we’ll still have two tackles lined up where they would normally be. The two defenders cannot touch the tackles, and they must stay between them at the snap of the ball. Any defensive player that goes to the outside of the tackle that is standing still will be penalized 15 yards for unabated to the quarterback. We call that the ‘Matt Kalil’ rule.

March 17, 2019

QotD: McGill University

Filed under: Cancon, Education, Humour, Quotations — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 01:00

… if the freedom to speak harsh truth and engage in adventurous social critique means nothing at McGill, it is doomed at younger universities — especially those that have materialized, or been promoted to new feudal rank, during the ongoing academic bubble era.

The stakes are high. We all enjoy a laugh at McGill’s perception of itself as the Canadian Harvard, but if there is one university from which others in our country are bound to take ethical and stylistic cues — well, McGill probably is Harvard.

Colby Cosh, “Scary Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: an alternate view of the storm engulfing McGill”, National Post, 2017-03-27.

March 12, 2019

Bronze Age Myths – Gilgamesh and Enkidu, BFFs – Extra Mythology – #1

Filed under: History, Humour, Middle East — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 04:00

Extra Credits
Published on 11 Mar 2019

Join the Patreon community! http://bit.ly/EMPatreon

Gilgamesh was a powerful yet cruel dictator in the Bronze Age civilization of Uruk (Babylon). In response to the people’s cries, the gods created a man from nature, Enkidu, who was born in the wild but eventually learned the ways of humanity. He set out to stop the cruelty of Gilgamesh, not knowing that the power of friendship was here to save the day.

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