Quotulatiousness

November 12, 2012

Vikings defence emerges from witness protection program to mug Detroit 34-24

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 09:24

All the early signs of team collapse were visible: top cornerback out for several weeks with a broken arm, top receiver out for at least a week with an ankle injury, team morale fading after two ugly losses… and in spite of all that, the Vikings managed to pull a quite convincing win out of the hat. The top performance for the Vikings was Adrian Peterson’s 171 yards on 27 carries, while Detroit’s Megatron (Calvin Johnson) tallied 207 yards receiving on 12 catches. The most pleasant surprise of the day was the very impressive debut of wide receiver Jarius Wright, whose first NFL reception went for 54 yards and his second reception was the first TD of the game.

Christopher Gates at the Daily Norseman:

Had I told you earlier on in the day that not only would the Minnesota Vikings not have Percy Harvin for their game this afternoon against the Detroit Lions, but they would complement that by allowing Calvin Johnson to go over 200 yards receiving and to get just his second touchdown reception of the year (and his first from Matthew Stafford) … how many points would you have told me the Vikings would lose by?

Well, it turns out that they didn’t lose at all. In fact, they won the game by ten points, with the Lions getting a touchdown towards the end of the game for purely cosmetic purposes. Sure, Stafford got over 300 yards passing, and Johnson went berzerk as I mentioned … but in the end, it didn’t matter. The Minnesota Vikings did what they had to do when they needed to do it, and they swept a divisional opponent for the first time since 2009 as a result. So how did it happen?

November 10, 2012

The Two Scotts’ NFL picks (beat up on Buffalo edition)

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 11:09

It’s not nice to pick on poor, defenceless Buffalo … but that won’t stop either Scott:

Buffalo (plus 11) at New England

Scott Feschuk: As a Bills fan, I’ve so far refrained from criticizing QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, largely because he represents a genuine upgrade over guys like Trent Edwards and J.P. Losman. Remember Losman? You couldn’t find a more incompetent quarterback if you took Ryan Leaf’s brain, stuffed it inside Matt Leinart’s skull and handed the skull to JaMarcus Russell to throw 12 feet over the head of a wide-open receiver. But enough is enough. Fitzpatrick just isn’t getting it done and the fact that he graduated from Harvard and probably knows how to use a protractor does not make up for the fact HE NO CAN THROWY MR. OBLONG. Right now, the only thing that will save 2012 for Buffalo fans is if it turns out that the Bills’ season syncs up perfectly with Dark Side of the Moon. Fingers crossed. Pick: Buffalo.

Scott Reid: Breaking News — the Buffalo Bills, whose defence has allowed an NFL all-time high forty squinjillion points, has fired its entire defensive team and replaced them with the Muppets and Wall-E.

Head coach Chan Gailey explained that, while unconventional, the technically lifeless Muppets would still represent a substantial upgrade to most positions. “Gonzo played a little Division II ball before he got into show biz and Kermit has great instincts around the ball — as long as we can keep that pig away.” New free safety Animal had this to add in an interview with WNY Sports, “Lurrghh.” In other news, the Bills denied that they’ve been negotiating with Tennessee for the rights to field goal kicker Stuart Little. Pick: New England.

November 5, 2012

Vikings lose in Seattle, 30-20

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 09:40

The Vikings went in to Seattle as underdogs, and the odds-makers were actually a bit kinder to the team than the final score. Adrian Peterson had another great outing (182 yards on 17 carries and two touchdowns), but there was no passing game to speak of (Ponder was 11 of 22 for only 63 yards and 1 INT). Perhaps fortunately, I didn’t get to watch this game, as it wasn’t carried on regular channels in the Toronto area.

October 28, 2012

The Two Scotts pick this week’s NFL matchups

Filed under: Football, Humour, Media — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 10:55

Scott Reid and Scott Feschuk get serious about something … but not football, of course:

New York Giants (plus 2) at Dallas

Scott Reid: I have no way of knowing but I like to imagine that deep down, Tony Romo and Eli Manning loathe one another.

Romo’s hatred would be all bound up in his feelings of insecurity and gross inadequacy (not unlike your own feelings toward me, Mr. Feschuk). Manning probably just hates the dimples. My fondest hope is that deep in the fourth quarter of this week’s matchup – after the Giants gain a 10-point lead – Romo breaks down on television and begins to sob uncontrollably, confronted with the awful truth that he’ll never best his rival. Manning, meanwhile, will make Jessica Simpson jokes and snicker about the hands-off approach of John Mara. Eventually Romo cracks completely and beats Manning savagely with a Gatorade bottle – leaving Eli dead and himself condemned to a life behind bars. In no way would this scenario make Mike Vick the best starting quarterback in the NFC East. Pick: New York.

Scott Feschuk: That’s all very interesting but I have a more important question: What man would ever agree to date Taylor Swift? You’d have to know right from the get-go that everything that happens is basically fodder for her next three albums, right? Wouldn’t it get awkward pretty quick?

You and Taylor Swift are in bed.

You: That was amazing. Let’s do it again.

[Swift opens her journal and starts writing.]

You: What are you doing?

Taylor: Oh, nothing. What rhymes with horndog?

You: Are you writing a song about me and our relationship?

Taylor: What? No. No, of course not!

You: Then who are these guys? [Points to drummer, guitarist and fiddler in bed with them.]

Taylor: Take five, fellas. I need to work on the bridge anyways.

Pick: New York.

October 27, 2012

Picking the scab: analyzing the Vikings-Buccaneers game

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 10:43

Having watched the Thursday night game from opening kickoff to final interception, all I can do is find comfort in ridicule and abusing our coaching staff and (some) players until next time they start a game. Ted Glover at the Daily Norseman seems to feel the same way:

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October 26, 2012

Turnovers and poor tackling give Tampa Bay the win in Minnesota

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:51

The Minnesota Vikings dropped their season record to 5-3 with a home field loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Rookie running back Doug Martin put on a great show, getting his first career 100 yard game while Minnesota put on another clinic of poor tackling skills. During the game, the announcers pointed out that Martin by himself was out-gaining the entire Vikings offense. To be fair, the Vikings defence was the best of the three units on the field last night: the offense was putrid and the special teams players didn’t improve much from last week’s debacle.

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October 22, 2012

Vikings move to 5-2 after ugly win against the Arizona Cardinals

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:22

Minnesota hosted the Arizona Cardinals for a barely watchable game yesterday, finishing with a 21-14 score. Neither team could muster much in the way of a cohesive air campaign, although both teams had a 100-yard rusher on the day: Adrian Peterson tied Robert Smith’s team record of 29 100-yard rushing games, while Arizona’s “Hyphen” (LaRod Stephens-Howling) got his career first 100-yarder.

Arizona gave up sacks to Brian Robison (3), Jared Allen (2), Kevin Williams (1) and Antoine Winfield (1), and Harrison Smith got his first career interception which he ran back 31 yards for a defensive touchdown in one of the few highlights of the game. The defence saved the game, but it wasn’t a great team effort even on that side of the ball: sloppy tackling and missed assignments were far too common.

The Vikings’ special teams unit managed just enough to stay competitive, but a bone-headed block-in-the-back negated a Percy Harvin return for a TD at the beginning of the game (to be fair, at regular speed it looked like the Cardinal who was blocked might have been able to get his hands on Harvin).

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October 15, 2012

Vikings lose to Redskins, drop to 4-2 on the season

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:16

Another late game that wasn’t available (on non-premium channels, anyway) in my area. It sounds like the RGIII show, from the commentaries:

The Minnesota Vikings got to within 31-26 after Christian Ponder’s second touchdown pass of the day, and after a Jared Allen sack and a short run by Alfred Morris, appeared to have the Washington Redskins right where they wanted them.

Not the case.

On third down, Robert Griffin III took the snap, and started out up the middle of the field. He peeled off to the left, and went completely untouched into the end zone from 76 yards out for a touchdown to make it 38-26 with 2:43 remaining in the fourth quarter.

And The Viking Age agrees:

It was an ugly day for the Vikings in Washington. Ugly on offense. Ugly on defense. Just plain hideous. Where to begin? How about the defense. The Vikes have excelled on that side of the ball during their recent run of wins but today was a total reversal. The run defense had its issues and the pass defense was dismal. Robert Griffin III had all kinds of time to complete passes and found plenty of open receivers. And when Griffin needed a big play to seal the deal he got it with his feet, turning a QB draw into a 67-yard TD.

RG3 played like a star today. For the most part, the Vikings’ defensive players did not. It was a bad day for everyone in the secondary except Antoine Winfield who made some plays early including an interception. The defensive line wasn’t much better. The front four was pushed around all day the by Redskins’ offensive line. Only late in the game when the Vikings were trying to come back did the defense show the spunk we’ve seen from them lately. Except for the RG3 run.

October 13, 2012

A new take on NFL power rankings: the “Lack of Power Rankings”

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 11:25

Scott Feschuk works his magic to ensure that Cleveland comes in first in at least one ranking this year:

Resuming a hallowed and time-honoured tradition that dates back all the way to the beginning of this sentence, we take a break from sucking at football picks to present our Mid-Mid-Season Lack of Power Rankings. Teams are rated from worst to first.

1. Cleveland (0-5) You know who’s having a terrible season so far? God. Defend Him all you like: the Guy is just going through the motions. Come on, God: we’ve seen you torment the Browns for the last eon. TRY SOMETHING NEW.

2. Buffalo (2-3) The Bills are giving up so much yardage so quickly that they’re on pace to break the all-time record set by France in 1940.

3. Jacksonville (1-4) So the NFL has announced that in 2013 it will again be sending Jacksonville over to play a football game in London. Twice more and we’ll be even for them sending us Coldplay.

4. Tennessee (2-4) Despite its win over Pittsburgh, this team is a bigger train wreck than Barack Obama’s debate performance wrapped in NBC’s fall comedies and driven into a tree by Lindsay Lohan.

5. K.C. (1-4) Ladies and gentlemen, the Brady Quinn era is upon us. Lock up your daughters! (Otherwise, they may steal Brady’s job.) On the upside, a few drives should be enough to earn Quinn an ESPY nomination in the category of Best Ryan Leaf Homage.

October 8, 2012

Vikings beat Titans to move to 4-1 record on the season

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 10:33

Just like everyone predicted before the season began, the Vikings are tied at the top of the NFC North with Chicago, both boasting 4-1 records. (Hint: nobody, not even the most rabid Viking fans, were predicting anything like this.) With a comprehensive beat-down of the Tennessee Titans, the Vikings have already won more games this year than they managed in 2011 (it’s the first time they’ve won three games in a row since their huge 2009 run).

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October 1, 2012

Vikings beat Lions 20-13 in Detroit

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 08:17

Minnesota finally broke the longest in-division losing streak in the NFL, having lost 11 straight divisional games up to yesterday’s visit to Ford Field in Detroit. The Vikings never trailed after Percy Harvin took the opening kickoff 105 yards for a touchdown. Later in the game, punt returner Marcus Sherels went 77 yards to score a second special teams TD. Adrian Peterson got his first 100-yard rushing game of the season, and Christian Ponder continued his zero interception streak going for another game (but it was the defence and special teams players who won the game … with a lot of help from Detroit’s butter-fingered wide receiving corps).

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September 30, 2012

The Two Scotts’ NFL picks for the week

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: — Nicholas @ 11:13

I don’t take my NFL picks very seriously, but Scott Feschuk and Scott Reid are as unserious as possible:

San Francisco (minus 4) at New York Jets

Feschuk: […] Now the lockout is over, which is great for football but also a little disappointing. Week 4 brings a whole new slate of games that the replacement officials could have turned into shitshows and I for one was looking forward to seeing what they would do horribly, horribly wrong next. Botch a penalty call? Fail to place the ball on the correct line of scrimmage? Get Chinese food delivered to the red zone? Or maybe this would finally have been the week they called the two tallest players to midfield for a jump ball. […] Pick: San Francisco.

Reid: […] And I was very disappointed indeed when the Vikings put up 146 yards on the ground against my boys in gold. But all things considered, I should have seen this coming. Under the dome in Minny is a tough place to play. The Vikings have an explosive running game. Plus, all year the Niners secondary has been bend, not break. And they got bent a lot in Minnesota (right over the dishwasher as the boys down at the Legion like to say). The good news is that they’ve gotten the boneheaded game plan of the year out of the way nice and early. Here’s a tip Niners: Give Gore more than 12 touches. The Jets are ranked 28th in the league against the run. They couldn’t stop Kat Deeley. Pick: San Francisco.

[. . .]

Seattle (minus 2.5) at St. Louis

Reid: What can you say about the end of Monday night’s game in Seattle that hasn’t already been said by monkeys flinging poop (yes, that means you entire population of Twitter). I’m not suggesting that the Marx Brothers skit passed off as officiating gave the real referees added bargaining leverage but Ed Hochuli demanded that Roger Goodell lovingly massage his biceps each Saturday night as part of any new collective agreement. It’s being called the Absorbine Jr. clause. Lost in all the screeching injustice and flatulent ineptitude was a thoroughly unimpressive offensive effort by Seattle quarterback Frodo Baggins. Russell Wilson is so small he has to stand on a stool to ask Doug Flutie for advice. (For the record, Flutie’s answer to any question is: “I should be starting.”) Wilson threw only nine completions during the game – 10 if you count his pass to MD Jennings. However, there is that defence… Pick: Seattle.

Feschuk: I’ve seen a lot of impressive things in my time – I’ve stood two feet from Angelina Jolie, four feet from Gwyneth Paltrow and right damn next to a Baconator – but I’m not sure I’ve seen anything as impressive as Golden Tate keeping a straight face while telling reporters that, yeah, absolutely, I totally caught that ball in the end zone. Pick: Seattle.

September 25, 2012

QotD: Replacement NFL referees

Filed under: Football, Humour, Quotations — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 10:30

The replacement officials are a mockery wrapped in a travesty, dunked in a vat of incompetence, glazed with WTF and set to the Benny Hill theme song.

Scott Feschuk, “In defence of the replacement officials (Kidding: they’re terrible)”, Maclean’s, 2012-09-25

September 24, 2012

Vikings upset San Francisco 49ers in Minnesota

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 00:01

Lots of bookies are unhappy with the result of Sunday’s game in Minnesota, as the underdog Vikings played a complete game and came out with a big win over the heavily favoured San Francisco 49ers. Tight End Kyle Rudolph came down with two touchdown passes from Christian Ponder, and Ponder scrambled for another TD. Rookie Kicker Blair Walsh set a team record with another 50+ yard field goal to extend his career-opening streak to three games. 1500ESPN’s Tom Pelissero and Judd Zulgad wrap up the game from the Metrodome:

Update: Ted Glover at the Daily Norseman:

God damn it, it may be cheap, and it may be cliche, but this was as solid a team victory as this organization has had in a long, long time. When the offense needed to make a long drive and score, they did. When the defense absolutely, positively, had to get off the field, they did. When the special teams needed a big play, they got one. When Leslie Frazier and the coaching staff needed to dial something up, they did. Honestly, if you can’t get on board after this win, or get pumped up after a victory this convincing, you need to go cheer for another team. I can’t help you. If this was college, and I was handing out helmet stickers, everyone would get one, because this was a great win for this franchise. The Vikings just didn’t beat the 49ers, they flat out kicked their ass.

Kicked. Their. Ass.

September 17, 2012

Vikings amass penalties when they should be amassing points

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:42

Follow-up post to yesterday’s Twitter-heavy reaction to another winnable game that the Vikings somehow managed to find a way to lose.

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