Quotulatiousness

November 21, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Bear-mauling edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After every game, even a putrid excuse for a game like the Sunday night contest in Chicago, the NFL requires that all head coaches make the time to talk with the local (and sometimes national) sports media about what the hell just happened. Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer is rumoured not to enjoy this particular part of his job, and as a result tends to carefully craft his words to cloak their real importance from the smelly, small-minded hoi-polloi he has to face from the rostrum. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s top expert in Zimspeak, Herr Doktor Professor Theodore “Ted” Glover, BA, MA, Ph.D, etc. Every week, Herr Glover works tirelessly to decipher, decode, decrypt, and de-everything-else required to dig down to the primal essence of coach Zimmer’s koans for we weak-armed, weak-willed, and weak-minded normies.

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

When you’re a warrior poet, you have to be on the lookout for self-fulfilling prophecies from your troops. Self fulfilling prophecies tell you that you can’t do X because of Y, based on past history. You can’t invade Russia in the late summer because of the Russian winter, or that you can’t masturbate without arms, for example. And as much as you tell your troops there is zero correlation between X and Y, because you have a cousin without any arms and he says he did just fine in that department thank you very goddamn much, once your troops believe weird shit happens in Chicago and that you’ll lose, when weird shit does happen in Chicago and you do lose, your troops are almost relieved. But you can’t let them walk around thinking they’re a bunch of no arms whacking reverse Nostradamus fap gods though, because then everything you’ve worked for is lost, and you’re on the street looking for work in someplace other than Cleveland. Yeah, fuck The Land, which is quite possibly the dumbest nickname for any city I’ve ever heard. Except for Green Bay, which is known as the toilet paper capital of the world, and that’s the most accurate nickname for any city ever.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Emperor of the Motor City Feline Tribe, Grounder of Airplanes, Defrocker of Cardinals, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when the Great Unwashed want to know how to keep their fears from becoming a real life Ouroboros, you must speak, to calm them and make them throw up their own ass, so you can get things back on track. And that is where we come in, your friends at The Daily Norseman.* We take what is said in the day after a game press conference, regurgitate what is really inferred,** and then everyone can walk away happy with an understanding of what’s to come.***

*I have no friends.

**We do nothing of the kind. The law firm of Franklin, Bash, and Bateman gently reminds you that this is a work of satire, and any and all interpretations are just mindless bullshit that have no inference on actual words of Mike Zimmer, spoken or otherwise, and they can sue you and take Ted for all his money in exorbitant lawyer fees if you try to sue him.

***If you understand any of this, seek professional medical help.

November 5, 2018

Vikings sack Detroit, 24-9

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The headline would have been even more accurate had it been a road game played in Michigan, but setting a team record for sacks in a game (ten) certainly justifies a bit of hyperbole. In a surprising move at the trade deadline earlier this week, the Detroit Lions swapped their top wide receiver for a third-round pick in the 2019 draft. Through most of the first half, it seemed like the announcing crew had to work Golden Tate’s name into the discussion about every play, even when Minnesota had the ball. It got irritating quickly — not as irritating as a Joe Buck-/Troy Aikman-announced game, but nearly that quick.

Vikings defensive end Danielle Hunter had a career game with 3.5 sacks and a fumble recovery returned 32 yards for a touchdown. Adam Thielen’s streak of 100+ yard games came to an end at eight, as with Stefon Diggs not active, the Lions could double-team him frequently. Thielen shares the NFL record with Calvin Johnson, who set the mark in 2012. Dalvin Cook also showed that he’s getting back to his rookie-year form, rushing ten times for 89 yards, including a 70-yard effort that set up the Thielen touchdown. The Vikings let the Lions stick around a lot longer than they should have, but the end result was still gratifying:

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October 29, 2018

New Orleans Saints 30, Vikings 20, as the turnover bug bites hard

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 10:40

Even the hardcore Minnesota Vikings fans were getting tired of the replays of last year’s “Minneapolis Miracle”, as it turned up so often in media and social media coverage coming up to Sunday night’s rematch between the Vikings and the Saints. This time, largely thanks to Minnesota mistakes, the Saints got the win.

Both teams had turnovers, but New Orleans earned 14 points off Viking errors and Minnesota didn’t capitalize on Harrison Smith’s interception, as Matthew Coller explains:

At 13-10, with the Vikings in front, the much-anticipated contest appeared to be shaping up as expected. A Sunday Night Shootout in front of a crowd that was ready to drive Brees crazy all night.

Then the Vikings caught a break. An overthrown ball by Brees right into the hands of Harrison Smith set Minnesota up to take a double-digit lead into the half.

Instead the Vikings committed back-to-back mistakes that would turn out to not only shape the game but become the trend in the second half.

With 3:03 left in the second quarter, Cousins began dicing up the Saints’ defense again, hitting on two third-and-long conversions, one to Kyle Rudolph and the other to Aldrick Robinson. On first-and-10 from the New Orleans 18, the flung a quick pass to Thielen on a play the Vikings have used with great success throughout this season.

After four yards, the Vikings’ star receiver was drilled by a Saints linebacker, sending the ball tumbling into Lattimore’s hands. He returned it to the Minnesota 33, which might have made it possible for the Vikings to hold the Saints to a field goal, but Laquon Treadwell inexplicably took a 15-yard penalty, setting up an easy touchdown for New Orleans.

At the Daily Norseman, Ted Glover provides his Stock Market Report on the game:

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October 22, 2018

Vikings beat New York Jets, 37-17

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

On Sunday afternoon, the Minnesota Vikings visited New Jersey to play the 3-3 Jets and rookie quarterback Sam Darnold. I don’t think Darnold enjoyed his afternoon, racking up stats of 16 of 41 fpr 195 yards and three interceptions. Vikings wide receiver Adam Thielen tied a long-standing NFL record with his seventh 100-yard game to start the season.

The New York Jets lost out on Kirk Cousins in March. On Sunday, they lost to him.

Cousins, who considered the Jets in free agency before signing with the Vikings, led to Minnesota to a 37-17 victory at MetLife Stadium.

On a chilly day, with the wind blowing 16 mph at kickoff, Cousins completed 25 of 41 passes for 241 yards and two touchdowns. He threw touchdowns of 34 yards to Adam Thielen in the first quarter and 34 yards to Aldrick Robinson in the fourth.

Thielen caught nine passes for 110 yards, his seventh straight game of 100 yards receiving or more to start the season. That tied the NFL record set by Charlie Hennigan of the Houston Oilers in 1961.

Vikings running back Latavius Murray had 15 carries for 69 yards and two touchdowns. He scored on runs of 11 yards in the third quarter and 38 yards in the fourth. Murray’s second score gave the Vikings a safe 27-10 lead.

With the win, the Vikings (4-2-1) moved into first place in the NFC North.

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October 18, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Cardinals edition

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

In the NFL, team head coaches are required to meet with the media during the week following each game. Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Zimmer is widely known to dislike this part of his job, but to avoid being fined by the league, he somehow swallows his intense distaste for the low-life scum of the sports media world and gets up in front of the microphone. While he’s there, in the spotlight, he answers questions from the great unwashed, but always in secretive koans of wisdom that can baffle the average intellect. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s greatest expert in decoding Zimmerian into ordinary language, Ted “The Decoder” Glover:

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom.

ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

At some point, every warrior poet deals with opponents you try take seriously, but just can’t get worked up for. They’re inferior at almost every position, their field general is more inexperienced than a year one med student trying to do brain surgery, and your field of battle kills birds at a rate higher than Americans shot down Imperial Japanese planes during the Great Marianas Turkey Shoot during WWII.

So you reach into your bag of tricks to keep everyone focused. Maybe you yell a little louder, or swear a little bit more. Or maybe you lay off a little, and let the troops blow off some steam and have some fun

Whatever method you chose, you picked the right course and approach. Even though it was a slow start and things weren’t firing on all cylinders early, you wouldn’t let a win slip from your grasp. You grabbed victory by the neck, and dragged it across the finish line.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Defrocker of Cardinals, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when The Great Unwashed need to hear how you dispatched a team that probably tasted like chicken after you cooked them, you just can’t come right out and say it, point blank. That would be a tad uncouth, and unbecoming of a warrior poet. So you need to hire mercenaries* to do your dirty work for you.** We take what Zim Tzu says, then we hook up words and phrases and clauses to get you very far.***

*Hi.

**It’s just a press conference about a football game. No mercenary shit is done. Although it would be cool as hell, not gonna lie.

***No this isn’t Conjunction Junction, Interplanet Janet. It’s just me making shit up about what Mike Zimmer actually thinks, as my lawyers from Franklin, Bash, and Bateman want me to remind you.

October 15, 2018

Arizona Cardinals 17, Minnesota Vikings 27, as the Vikings discover you’re still allowed to run the ball

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The Cardinals finally got their first win of the season last weekend and came into Minneapolis hoping to get their second. The Vikings, returning home after a hard-fought win against the defending Superbowl champion Philadelphia Eagles were just hoping that they didn’t have a relapse to the Buffalo game a few weeks back.

The Vikings had to re-shuffle their offensive line yet again, as starting left tackle Riley Reiff was unable to suit up for the game with a foot injury, so Rashod Hill slid over to the left side and rookie Brian O’Neill got his first NFL start on the right. Despite the change, the line was able to open some gaps for running back Latavius Murray (starting in place of the injured Dalvin Cook) who logged the Vikings’ first rushing touchdown and first 100-yard rushing game this season. That didn’t mean that quarterback Kirk Cousins was untroubled by the Cardinal pass rush: he had several passes batted down at the line and he was sacked four times and lost a fumble that Cards safety Budda Baker scooped and ran back for a defensive touchdown (and a tie game). The Vikings took a 3-point lead into the half, and then dominated most of the second half both statistically and on the scoreboard. The Cardinals put together one efficient scoring drive, but that was all they could muster.

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October 11, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Eagles edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After every Vikings game, win or lose, NFL rules require the head coach to meet with local (and sometimes national) media to discuss the most recent game and any other issues the team may be facing. It’s well known among the cognoscenti that Minnesota’s head coach Mike Zimmer considers this somewhere between distasteful and actual torture, but he forces himself to meet the ravening horde of unwashed media types … because he doesn’t want to get fined.

As a result, although Zimmer is known to be a straight-talker, what he says in these gatherings might not be exactly what he really means. Fortunately for those of us in the Vikings fanbase, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s leading Zimmerologist, the only man who can reliably listen to the words spoken to the masses and successfully decode the real meanings. Let’s hear it for Herr Doktor Professor Theodore “Ted” Glover:

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October 9, 2018

Vikings (hopefully) got back on track with Sunday’s win over the Eagles, 23-21

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

There were a lot of doubters (ahem) about the Vikings getting the ship back on course after the team’s struggles in the first four games, but going to Philadelphia and beating the defending champions on their own field is a nice sign that they’re making the right adjustments. Back from his African safari, the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover offers his post-game Stock Market Report:

It’s not the end. It’s certainly not the beginning of the end. Perhaps it’s the end of the beginning.

It’s tough to call the fifth game of the season a must win game, but that’s exactly what the Minnesota Vikings were facing in Philadelphia Sunday. A porous defense and a one dimensional offense had the Vikings looking into the abyss of one win in five games with a loss, and a shot at the playoffs would have seemed like a pipe dream.

But the Vikings would not go gentle into the good night. They planted their flag and made a stand, and quite possibly saved their season with an inspired 23-21 win over the defending Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles on the road.

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October 4, 2018

Vikings at the quarter-season mark – Drink the purple Kool-Aid or burn it all down?

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

It’s been a disappointing start to the NFL season for Minnesota Vikings fans, with a merely adequate performance against the 49ers and a tie at Green Bay followed by the “what the hell just happened” home loss against Buffalo and then a short week to travel to L.A. to fall just short against the Rams. One of the team’s emotional leaders is away from the field dealing with mental health concerns, second-year running back Dalvin Cook still isn’t healthy enough to play a full game, and last year’s number one defensive unit is playing like they’re not really sure what they’re supposed to be doing on the field. If you go full-on pessimist, as Dan Persons writes, the season might as well be over:

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September 24, 2018

Buffalo Bills shock Minnesota 27-6

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The Buffalo Bills have had a rough start to the 2018 NFL season, with two bad losses (being outscored 78-23) and they faced another huge challenge visiting the Minnesota Vikings for game three. At least, that was the story line coming in to the game. It certainly didn’t describe the action after kick-off, as Buffalo looked like the only team on the field that cared about the outcome of the game. The Vikings managed to shoot themselves in the foot so often with stupid penalties that it was almost as if they were trying to lose.

I’ve been following the team for a very long time, and this was the worst game I’ve seen them play since losing the NFC Championship game 41-0 to the New York Giants back in 2000. The $84 million man came back down to earth with a thud after finishing last week’s game in Green Bay with a career-best statistical line … he just couldn’t connect with his receivers whenever the crumbling offensive line gave him enough time to find a target. With back-to-back trips coming up to Los Angeles and Philadelphia, Judd Zulgad says it’s time to sound the alarm:

Inexcusable and inexplicable.

Those are the two words (fit for a website read by people of all ages) that best describe a 16.5-point home favorite embarrassing itself with a completely inept performance against an NFL bottom-feeder starting a rookie quarterback. Yet, that’s exactly what the Minnesota Vikings did as they put on a cringe-worthy performance in a 27-6 loss to the Buffalo Bills and Josh Allen on Sunday at U.S. Bank Stadium.

How the heck did this happen?

Who cares?

Nobody wants to hear excuses when you are a favorite in the loaded NFC. You have a game on Thursday against the Rams? Who cares. Your quarterback has a terrible day? Do better. Your defense has a spotty performance for a second consecutive week? Too bad.

This Vikings team is expected to overcome any adversity it might face. Instead, they spent Sunday looking like a hopeless collection of lost causes that in no way resembled a contender. The Vikings were supposed to be up 27-0 at halftime, not trailing by that margin. The most competent performance at U.S. Bank came as many in the crowd of 66,800 booed their heroes off the field at halftime.

Many of them streamed to the exits with 11 minutes, 27 seconds left in the fourth quarter after the Vikings couldn’t even complete a simple fourth-and-1 pass from Cousins to C.J. Ham. They would have been wise and justified to head out far earlier. The Vikings’ only touchdown of the game came with 2:59 left in the fourth quarter when Kirk Cousins found Kyle Rudolph on a 4-yard pass that meant nothing.

When the game did matter, the Vikings made it unwatchable.

Not all of the Vikings’ troubles begin on the offensive line, but a lot of them can be traced back to that:

No push from the line means no gaps for running backs to run through, and if they’re being pushed back into the quarterback (as they were far too often), it hobbles the short passing game, too. Last season, Case Keenum’s escape ability made all the difference, but Kirk Cousins is much more of a pure pocket passer, so if the pressure gets to him, he’s more likely to be sacked or have to throw the ball away. Cousins ended the day with a stat line of 40 of 55 for 296 yards, a touchdown and an interception and took four sacks (it seemed like a lot more than just four for fans watching the game). However, most of those yards came late in the game when the outcome was no longer in much doubt.

The Vikings special teams did absolutely nothing to help the situation, between stupid penalties and some real head-scratching decisions about bringing the ball out of the end zone and when to field punts. If the other parts of the team were performing well, it would merely have been a distraction, but the deficits on special teams made it that much tougher to try to climb back into the game after the first quarter. You don’t tend to think of the kick return or punt return roles as being very important, but if Marcus Sherels had been healthy enough to play, I don’t think we’d have noticed just how much special teams issues added to the disaster … because Sherels has better decision-making skills than his backups.

The Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover has apparently been deported to Africa or something, as Christopher Gates appears to have taken over his slot for the weekly post-game Stock Market Report:

Hey, kids! Yours truly has the Stock Market Report for the next couple of weeks, because Ted is blessing the rains down in Africa or something or other on vacation. I’m assuming that nobody has told Ted that Africa has snakes, because if they had I’d think that the midwestern United States would be just about as close as Ted would get to the place.

But, even though I’m making jokes at Ted’s expense, at least he had the good sense not to sit down and subject himself to the absolute hot mess of a garbage pile of a dumpster fire of a complete freaking disaster that the rest of us subjected ourselves to on Sunday afternoon. How bad was it for the Minnesota Vikings at U.S. Bank Stadium on Sunday against the Buffalo Bills?

Parenthetically, I sure hope that Ted has trained a brilliant understudy/novice/padawan to cover Zim Tzu’s weekly press conferences, because if not I’m sure lots of the fans will be demanding their money back from Daily Norseman — how else are we supposed to decode the koans of Zim Tzu without his brilliant decryption efforts? But, as usual, I digress. Skipping right to the essential Buy/Sell recommendations:

Buy: John DeFilippo let this game get away from him – To say that the Minnesota Vikings’ play calling was unbalanced on Sunday would be the ultimate understatement. In 65 offensive plays on Sunday, the Minnesota Vikings had six rushes. Two of those runs came from Kirk Cousins on scrambles, which means that the Vikings called four designed runs on Sunday afternoon against the Bills.

Four. As in, like, one per quarter. Mike Boone and Latavius Murray had two carries each. That was it.

I know that Dalvin Cook sat this one out, but seriously … there needs to be some sort of balance there, even when the game gets out of hand early.

Sell: John DeFilippo isn’t a great offensive coordinator – That having been said, I do think that DeFilippo is a good offensive coordinator overall. He’s shown a lot of things to be excited about over the first few weeks of the season, and I think that a game like this is going to prove to be the exception rather than the rule for him going forward. Besides, he didn’t make Kirk Cousins cough up those fumbles and put the offense in a terrible position early. Much like Bob Schnelker, that was not John DeFilippo’s fault.

Buy: The Minnesota Vikings have a lot of talented defensive players – It’s hard to deny that the Vikings have numerous talented players on the defensive side of the football. Guys like Danielle Hunter and Linval Joseph and Harrison Smith and Xavier Rhodes are all among the best in the NFL at their positions. There are as many talented players on the Minnesota Vikings’ defense as there are on any other defense in the National Football League.

Sell: The Minnesota Vikings are one of the best defenses in the National Football League – Having said that, something has happened to this team and they’re not even close to anything resembling a “great” defense. Not anymore. They fell apart in the second half against New Orleans, they fell apart against Philadelphia, they weren’t great against San Francisco, they weren’t great against Green Bay, and they damn sure weren’t great today against Buffalo. They still have the reputation of being a great defense, certainly, but as of right now they’re coasting on that reputation a bit.

Buy: Mike Hughes has all the skills to be a great return man – We’ve seen all the highlights, and we know that part of the reason the Vikings liked him coming out of college was because of his potential ability as a return specialist.

Sell: Mike Hughes needs to bring every kickoff out of the end zone – Having said that, Mike Hughes is not Percy Harvin or Cordarrelle Patterson. Yes, I know the Vikings were looking for a spark today. However, on the three returns that Hughes brought out of the end zone on Sunday, he failed to reach the 25 on any of them, and on two of the three the Vikings were penalized, pushing them back to inside their own 10-yard line. Sometimes it’s okay to just take the ball at the 25-yard line. Somebody needs to tell him that.

Buy: This is one of the most embarrassing losses in recent regular season history – All of the indications were that the Vikings should have won this game in a big way. The Bills got throttled in their season opener and didn’t look great in Week 2, either. The Vikings were at home, they looked to be the better and more talented team on paper, and they were looking to bounce back after their tie against the Green Bay Packers in Week 2. But, that didn’t happen.

Sell: The 2018 season is over – That said, this is Week 3. Yes, the Vikings have two very difficult road games coming up. Yes, it’s very possible that this team could be 1-3-1 after those two games. But this team does have talent, and although this is humiliating and not at all what we were expecting, there’s still a lot of football to be played. The Vikings have to make some adjustments and get some things straightened out, but it’s only September. At least, that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.

It’ll be interesting to see just how far down the “power tables” this game will push the Vikings. They were pretty consistently in the top tier during the preseason and through the first few games of the regular season, but this result is bound to drag their ratings down across the board — and deservedly so. If they lose the next two road games (against the Rams this Thursday and the Eagles the following weekend), they’ll be lucky to stay in the top half of the rankings.

September 19, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-tie edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After each Minnesota Vikings game, head coach Mike Zimmer holds a press conference to discuss the details of the game and answer questions from the local and national press. Coach Zimmer is renowned for his plain-speaking, but this is actually a fantastically clever smokescreen — using what appear to be plain, ordinary, everyday words to encrypt his true meaning. This would normally leave the press and the fans lacking in wisdom and knowledge, but fortunately The Daily Norseman has an ace up their collective sleeve: they’ve got Ted Glover, 9th dan Black Belt in Zimmerology, to decrypt the essential truth and present it to us, the unwashed masses.

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

When a warrior poet heads out on the field of battle, he expects to win. But even the best of them fail, and come up short. When that happens, you retire, lick your wounds, and come out the next time, hungrier and more determined to win than ever.

But a stalemate…no one really expects those. A stalemate makes you feel like it was all for nothing. There was no glory in victory, there were no heroic last stands to the last man, no desperate, last ditch gambles that resulted in final victory that will cause other warrior poets to reverently speak of your deeds for all time. But there is some value in a stalemate, although it’s hard to understand at the time. You know you could have won, but you also realize you could have just as easily lost. Lessons are learned, plans are improved, and if you need to sacrifice someone to send a message, then by God that’s just what you’ll do.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when the Great Unwashed want to hear about how you won’t tolerate another stalemate, we swoop in as an intermediary* between you and them. We take what’s actually said, digest it,** then share the true meaning to the masses.***

* We should never be asked to be the go between for anyone over any dispute. Everyone would end up pissed, shots would be fired, and blood would probably be spilled.

** We do nothing of the sort. We completely make all of this up. Well, Zimmer actual press conference quotes are real. Nothing else is. Also you’re living in The Matrix.

*** There is about as much true meaning to this as there is in the image of Jesus in a piece of toast. With butter.

September 17, 2018

Minnesota’s placekicker on very thin ice after three misses against Green Bay

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

Kickers have been … a problem … for Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer over the last few seasons. The latest kicking headache popped up in Sunday’s game against the division rival Packers on a road trip to Green Bay. Daniel Carlson was selected in the 2018 draft and was the team’s highest-ever drafted kicker and was deemed to have won the competition against last season’s kicker Kai Forbath (who was released before the final preseason game). From that moment onwards, he’s worked very hard to get into coach Zimmer’s doghouse, and three missed field goals in his latest outing may have him packing his bags soon. Judd Zulgad thinks the time to part company with Carlson is now (updated below):

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September 12, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-49ers edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The head coach of the Minnesota Vikings traditionally holds a press conference for local (and sometimes national) media after each game. Although Mike Zimmer has a reputation for plain speaking, he still manages to conceal behind the ordinary-seeming words deep koans of wisdom. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover has spent untold years studying and meditating and decyphering ancient scrolls in order to provide Vikings fans with a clear and piercing analysis of the true meanings behind the words of Zim Tzu:

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September 10, 2018

San Francisco 49ers fall short against the Minnesota Vikings, 24-16

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

The season opener for the Vikings saw the San Francisco 49ers under Jimmy Garappolo visit Minneapolis to face the revamped Vikings offence under $84 million quarterback Kirk Cousins. This was also supposed to be a return visit for former Vikings running back Jerick “Jet” McKinnon, but he suffered a season-ending ACL injury during one of San Francisco’s final practices and had to be put on injured reserve.

The first half certainly looked like Minnesota was going to just walk away with the game, as Kirk Cousins put up great numbers in his first Viking start and the Vikings defence looked like they hadn’t missed a beat since last season. During the second half, however, San Francisco managed to stay close and even threatened to even up the score late in the game. At one point in the second half, the Minnesota offence only managed three consecutive three-and-outs, which meant the defence was spending too much time on the field. Rookie cornerback Mike Hughes saw his first NFL action, including his first interception which he ran back for his first touchdown. Hughes got more snaps than the coaches originally may have intended after starter Trae Waynes had to leave the game with a knee injury (nickel corner Mackenzie Alexander was ruled out before the game started). The defensive star of the game was safety Harrison Smith, with eight tackles (including two for loss), a sack, a fumble recovery and the game-sealing interception.

At the Daily Norseman, Ted Glover provides his regular Stock Market Report on the game, including his buy/sell recommendations:

Buy: Going for points at the end of the first half. I really liked the aggressiveness to get some points at the end of the half. After the fumble recovery, Minnesota had the ball on their 2, with 2:12 left. It would have been easy to maybe play for a first down, run out the clock, and go to the locker room with a 10-3 lead. But the Vikings got aggressive and pushed the ball upfield, and lo and behold, with 42 second left they were near midfield with a timeout left, and a real opportunity to get in to field goal range, at a minimum.

Sell: The last three plays of the drive to end the first half. Then I don’t know what happened. Well, I do, but it was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Or a Tarvaris Jackson sequence, your call. The Vikings threw a pass to Dalvin Cook that lost six yards thanks to Cook taking nothing and making it worse. Then instead of calling a timeout, Minnesota chose to run a play…which was a downfield heave of two yards to Laquon Treadwell. After a timeout, the offense, wanting to REALLY out do themselves, said ‘hold my beer’ and Cousins took a sack to end the half. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT……

Buy: Dalvin Cook, pass catcher. The Vikings fed Dalvin Cook early and often, and when he got the ball in the flat it looked like he had never been injured. He was fast, fluid, and made some great plays on the edge, catching six passes for 55 yards. In the game, only Adam Thielen was targeted more in the passing game, and it was a nice debut for him coming off his ACL injury.

Sell: Dalvin Cook, runner. As good as he looked catching the ball, he didn’t have a good day running. He averaged less than three yards a carry, and on his longest run of the day, a 15 yard duck, stop, and then go, he fumbled and Dicky Sherman recovered. His offensive line didn’t help him a whole lot, though, so hopefully this aspect will improve as the season goes along.

Buy: The goal line stand and fumble. That was a thing of beauty, and straight out of the Purple People Eaters era. They stuffed the 49ers running game four times, and on the last attempt they forced a fumble and recovered the ball, dodging a major bullet and leaving the 49ers going ‘we went 14 plays for this’? YES YOU DID…YES YOU DID BRETT!

Sell: The 13 plays preceding that fumble. But that drive that got San Francisco on the doorstep was a bit troublesome. They converted three first downs, and the Vikings committed a defensive holding penalty on second down that nullified a big sack by Danielle Hunter. They gave up plays of 14, 14, and 11 yards, and it felt like the 49ers had figured out what the Vikings were doing.

August 25, 2018

Vikings 21, Seattle Seahawks 20 in third preseason game

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 11:41

The third preseason game is traditionally the “dress rehearsal” — teams play their starters for an extended period of time (sometimes going into the third quarter) before subbing in their reserves. As the columnists at the Daily Norseman tend to write, it’s the “All-Important Third Preseason Game™”. Friday night’s game in Minneapolis saw the Seattle Seahawks come to town to test Russell Wilson against the Vikings’ league-leading defence from last year. Unlike last game, where the Vikings couldn’t seem to buy a first down, yesterday the first-stringers under Kirk Cousins were able to keep the chains moving (amassing 120 yards in the air through the first quarter) but not to get points on the board. Newly installed placekicker Daniel Carlson didn’t cover himself in glory, missing both of his field goal attempts to the left from 42 yards and encouraging the team to try a two-point conversion after their first touchdown. On the latest Purple Podcast, Judd Zulgad said explicitly that coach Mike Zimmer deliberately ordered the two-point attempt because he didn’t trust Carlson to make the extra point.

Second-string quarterback Trevor Siemian had a bad game (4 of 8 for three yards) and looked very frustrated by the time he was done. However, Siemian did have one particular pass that made the highlight reel:

Third-stringer Kyle Sloter, on the other hand, put on a very good show and led the team to the winning touchdown (and a two-point conversion):

It will be interesting to see if the coaching staff still has confidence in Siemian as the backup after the first three preseason outings, where he didn’t set the world on fire. Sloter is certainly showing that he’s got the chops, if not the experience, for that role at some point in the future. Early in the fourth quarter, I texted to a fellow fan “Sloter >> Siemian” (and that was before Sloter got the first TD. I’m clearly not alone, as at least one Daily Norseman writer feels the same way:

As a former starter with many games of experience in the regular season, you’d expect a guy like Trevor Siemian to show more command. More ability. He should be a little above the second stringers he’s playing against. But he didn’t. He didn’t look like a starter. He didn’t look like a guy you want starting at QB for your team either. And that’s the point.

He was inaccurate. He looked poor under pressure. He did not lead second stringers, he let them down. There was a lack of energy. Quite simply, his game was not up to the task.

By fairly obvious contrast, as soon as Kyle Sloter took the field in each of the first three Vikings preseason games, there was energy and leadership. There was the will to win. There was a QB looking to make plays, not just play out his time.

And Sloter showed presence. Poise. Better scrambling ability. Better acccuracy. And he made plays. Every game. What plays did Siemian make? Zero. Nada. Bupkis.

Sloter led drives. He came through in the clutch. He delivered when he needed to. Yes, he went down twice late on back side blitzes, but he managed to escape from several others and made plays too. Siemian never did.

And, as every NFL head coach knows, if you want to win, you need a quarterback that can make plays. You can’t coach that. You can’t learn that in practice. Experience can help, but not that of Trevor Sirmian’s kind. He was not a playmaker in Denver, and he was released as a result. I’m not sure how that type of experience is a plus. It sounds good to say, “now here’s a QB that’s started a lot of games in the NFL, who can come in a take over if Cousins goes down.” But you could say that about Christian Ponder too.

I don’t think the team should go with only two quarterbacks — not after our experiences over the last several years with quarterback injuries — but I do think that Sloter should be given the primary backup responsibilities.

Newly signed safety George Iloka played a key role with the second team, tipping a pass that was intercepted by Anthony Harris.

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