Quotulatiousness

December 1, 2012

It’s time for the annual NFL Hall of Fame “screw Cris Carter” pantomime

Filed under: Football, Media — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 10:38

Cris Carter may not be everyone’s favourite former NFL wide receiver, but he had what any rational person would have to call a “Hall of Fame-quality” career. But for reasons best known to the HoF voters, he’s still not been inducted. This year’s 25 semi-final nominee list has been published and his name appears on it … as it has for each year since he retired. And the smart money is betting that once again he’ll be omitted from the list of finalists. At the Daily Norseman, Christopher Gates has more:

Obviously, the most prominent name on this list … again … is former Vikings’ wide receiver Cris Carter. We’ve been over Carter’s stats in this space ad nauseum, but it bears repeating again. Even though he retired from the game after the 2002 NFL season, he still sits fourth in the history of the National Football League in receptions (1,101), eighth in receiving yards (13,899), and fourth in receiving touchdowns (130), as well as eighth in total touchdowns (131).

The $100 that the Vikings spent on a waiver claim for him after he was released by the Philadelphia Eagles still represents the most well-spent $100 in the history of the franchise. Carter should go into the Hall of Fame this year. Of course, he should have gone into the Hall in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012, too. But he didn’t. Why? Who the heck knows … nobody has been able to give me a compelling reason thus far. I don’t expect to hear one this time around, either.

November 26, 2012

Chicago is a tough place to play football

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 09:32

This game was so out-of-hand by halftime that Fox cut away to the Atlanta-Tampa Bay game. What I did see was not encouraging, as both teams showed lots of errors but Chicago was able to capitalize on Minnesota’s errors to a much greater extent than the Vikings could with Bears mistakes.

With Percy Harvin still recovering from his ankle injury, the other wide receivers failed to step up. Jarius Wright saw more action and wasn’t bad, but Jerome Simpson gave more than enough evidence for why Cincinnati was willing to let him walk after last season — ball drops are bad at any time, but when combined with a lack of effort they’ll shorten your playing career as a receiver. Daily Norseman probably spoke for a lot of Vikings fans with this tweet:

Among the few Vikings who played at a high level was Adrian Peterson, who tied a team record (held by Robert Smith) with his fifth consecutive 100-yard rushing performance. On the downside … two fumbles on the day (although one of them will go against Christian Ponder’s record instead). Ponder didn’t have a good outing, but his receiving corps made it even tougher:


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November 22, 2012

Tim Tebow … future CFL star?

Filed under: Cancon, Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 09:54

Edmonton is crying out for a quality quarterback to take the Eskimos back to glory (or something that might pass for glory in poor light). Colby Cosh explains:

Tim Tebow. Say what you want about the man, and you will, but he is good copy. I got into a Tebow discussion the other day on Twitter after I started wishing aloud that he would come to Edmonton and save our CFL Eskimos from the wretched, dare I say almost Rider-like, state into which they have fallen. I was not really being serious. Well, OK: maybe ten percent serious.

About a year ago our genius general manager Eric Tillman decided to risk all on one turn of pitch-and-toss and trade our longtime quarterback, Ricky Ray, for magic beans from a passing pedlar. This decision was second-, third-, and nth-guessed at the time, and it was, we now know, rabidly opposed by head coach Kavis Reed. Ray does not throw the ball very far, or in an especially conventional way, but he has supreme accuracy statistics and had won two Grey Cups in Edmonton with pretty underwhelming teams. (The once-proud Eskies have not had a 12-win season yet in this century.)

Ray was divisive, though, Lordy, not Tebow divisive. But the trade united the city in agreement that the return was disappointing, and the unfolding of the Esks’ 7-11 season emphasized this in an especially brutal way. Peaceable Canada has never approved of the American practices of tarring and feathering or hastening the unwelcome out of town on a rail, but Tillman came within about a micron of it.

As with any healthy, anatomically intact young football fan, my thoughts sometimes turn to the curiously saintly, annihilatingly gifted Tebow. Last year’s Denver Broncos hero has entered the metaphorical wilderness of the New York Jets roster, where he spells off starting QB Mark Sanchez for a few snaps a game, plays on special teams, and for all I know mops the locker room. He is paid well for this, but it is not doing much for what you would call his human capital. In practices, Sanchez gets the vast majority of the “reps” — i.e., the work of simulating real plays. Tebow’s experience as a “punt protector” has been unhappy. There is already tremendous prejudice against him in the league, because he throws a football in a faintly silly way, and the longer he goes without running an offence as a quarterback, the less likely he is to ever be asked to do it again. Catch-22.

November 18, 2012

The Two Scotts psycho-analyze the New York Jets

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 11:54

Scott Reid and Scott Feschuk try to explain the New York Jets:

New York Jets (plus 3) at St. Louis

Scott Feschuk: The New York Jets have done the impossible: they’ve made me feel sorry for Tim Tebow. Here we have a team that’s 3-6 — a team that over the past two weeks has been blown out by Seattle and Miami… a team that stops the run about as well as Kevin James stops at eating just a couple of your fries… a team that insists on starting a quarterback who plays like a kid dressed up for Halloween as an NFL quarterback — and all week this team devoted its energy to debating whether its backup QB, who hardly ever plays, is or is not “terrible?” Here’s the hard truth: the Jets have tuned out Rex Ryan. They need to make a change. You know who should coach this team? That Jill Kelley lady from the David Petraeus sex scandal.

She seems to be able to make grown men do anything. Within minutes of meeting her, FBI agents are ripping off their shirts and army generals are sending off lewd email messages about their four-star boners. Surely, if anyone could get Mark Sanchez to throw the ball in the general direction of someone — anyone — in green, it’d be her. Pick: St. Louis.

Scott Reid: Pro-tip for you buddy — it’s not all that difficult to get army generals talking about their boners. In fact, military men can be included in a rather exclusive list of male-dominated professions that can be easily coaxed into talking online about their wood. This group includes, but is not necessarily limited to: doctors, lawyers, door-to-door salesmen, pastry chefs, magazine editors, cabinet ministers, air conditioner repairmen, director Kevin Smith, certified management accountants, video game designers (especially video game designers!), piano instructors, hot air balloonists, dairy farmers, astronauts, union leaders, clergymen, tutorial assistants, pipe fitters (no surprise there), air traffic controllers, official team mascots, building inspectors, glass blowers, financial regulators and whatever the hell it is that you call what we two do for a living. The real trick, in fact, is to get us men NOT to talk about our boners. How? Actually that was a ruse. There is no way to get us not to talk about our boners. But the wise among us do know better than to do it via email with chicks who suffer from “f-ing crazy big-eyes syndrome.”

Of course, none of these human failings afflict Tim “Mr. Vanilla” Tebow. You know, maybe a little dirty-talk over the interweb would help Tim straighten out his skinny post (and yes, I’m speaking metaphorically). Pick: St. Louis.

November 12, 2012

Vikings defence emerges from witness protection program to mug Detroit 34-24

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 09:24

All the early signs of team collapse were visible: top cornerback out for several weeks with a broken arm, top receiver out for at least a week with an ankle injury, team morale fading after two ugly losses… and in spite of all that, the Vikings managed to pull a quite convincing win out of the hat. The top performance for the Vikings was Adrian Peterson’s 171 yards on 27 carries, while Detroit’s Megatron (Calvin Johnson) tallied 207 yards receiving on 12 catches. The most pleasant surprise of the day was the very impressive debut of wide receiver Jarius Wright, whose first NFL reception went for 54 yards and his second reception was the first TD of the game.

Christopher Gates at the Daily Norseman:

Had I told you earlier on in the day that not only would the Minnesota Vikings not have Percy Harvin for their game this afternoon against the Detroit Lions, but they would complement that by allowing Calvin Johnson to go over 200 yards receiving and to get just his second touchdown reception of the year (and his first from Matthew Stafford) … how many points would you have told me the Vikings would lose by?

Well, it turns out that they didn’t lose at all. In fact, they won the game by ten points, with the Lions getting a touchdown towards the end of the game for purely cosmetic purposes. Sure, Stafford got over 300 yards passing, and Johnson went berzerk as I mentioned … but in the end, it didn’t matter. The Minnesota Vikings did what they had to do when they needed to do it, and they swept a divisional opponent for the first time since 2009 as a result. So how did it happen?

November 10, 2012

The Two Scotts’ NFL picks (beat up on Buffalo edition)

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 11:09

It’s not nice to pick on poor, defenceless Buffalo … but that won’t stop either Scott:

Buffalo (plus 11) at New England

Scott Feschuk: As a Bills fan, I’ve so far refrained from criticizing QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, largely because he represents a genuine upgrade over guys like Trent Edwards and J.P. Losman. Remember Losman? You couldn’t find a more incompetent quarterback if you took Ryan Leaf’s brain, stuffed it inside Matt Leinart’s skull and handed the skull to JaMarcus Russell to throw 12 feet over the head of a wide-open receiver. But enough is enough. Fitzpatrick just isn’t getting it done and the fact that he graduated from Harvard and probably knows how to use a protractor does not make up for the fact HE NO CAN THROWY MR. OBLONG. Right now, the only thing that will save 2012 for Buffalo fans is if it turns out that the Bills’ season syncs up perfectly with Dark Side of the Moon. Fingers crossed. Pick: Buffalo.

Scott Reid: Breaking News — the Buffalo Bills, whose defence has allowed an NFL all-time high forty squinjillion points, has fired its entire defensive team and replaced them with the Muppets and Wall-E.

Head coach Chan Gailey explained that, while unconventional, the technically lifeless Muppets would still represent a substantial upgrade to most positions. “Gonzo played a little Division II ball before he got into show biz and Kermit has great instincts around the ball — as long as we can keep that pig away.” New free safety Animal had this to add in an interview with WNY Sports, “Lurrghh.” In other news, the Bills denied that they’ve been negotiating with Tennessee for the rights to field goal kicker Stuart Little. Pick: New England.

November 5, 2012

Vikings lose in Seattle, 30-20

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 09:40

The Vikings went in to Seattle as underdogs, and the odds-makers were actually a bit kinder to the team than the final score. Adrian Peterson had another great outing (182 yards on 17 carries and two touchdowns), but there was no passing game to speak of (Ponder was 11 of 22 for only 63 yards and 1 INT). Perhaps fortunately, I didn’t get to watch this game, as it wasn’t carried on regular channels in the Toronto area.

October 28, 2012

The Two Scotts pick this week’s NFL matchups

Filed under: Football, Humour, Media — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 10:55

Scott Reid and Scott Feschuk get serious about something … but not football, of course:

New York Giants (plus 2) at Dallas

Scott Reid: I have no way of knowing but I like to imagine that deep down, Tony Romo and Eli Manning loathe one another.

Romo’s hatred would be all bound up in his feelings of insecurity and gross inadequacy (not unlike your own feelings toward me, Mr. Feschuk). Manning probably just hates the dimples. My fondest hope is that deep in the fourth quarter of this week’s matchup – after the Giants gain a 10-point lead – Romo breaks down on television and begins to sob uncontrollably, confronted with the awful truth that he’ll never best his rival. Manning, meanwhile, will make Jessica Simpson jokes and snicker about the hands-off approach of John Mara. Eventually Romo cracks completely and beats Manning savagely with a Gatorade bottle – leaving Eli dead and himself condemned to a life behind bars. In no way would this scenario make Mike Vick the best starting quarterback in the NFC East. Pick: New York.

Scott Feschuk: That’s all very interesting but I have a more important question: What man would ever agree to date Taylor Swift? You’d have to know right from the get-go that everything that happens is basically fodder for her next three albums, right? Wouldn’t it get awkward pretty quick?

You and Taylor Swift are in bed.

You: That was amazing. Let’s do it again.

[Swift opens her journal and starts writing.]

You: What are you doing?

Taylor: Oh, nothing. What rhymes with horndog?

You: Are you writing a song about me and our relationship?

Taylor: What? No. No, of course not!

You: Then who are these guys? [Points to drummer, guitarist and fiddler in bed with them.]

Taylor: Take five, fellas. I need to work on the bridge anyways.

Pick: New York.

October 27, 2012

Picking the scab: analyzing the Vikings-Buccaneers game

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 10:43

Having watched the Thursday night game from opening kickoff to final interception, all I can do is find comfort in ridicule and abusing our coaching staff and (some) players until next time they start a game. Ted Glover at the Daily Norseman seems to feel the same way:

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October 26, 2012

Turnovers and poor tackling give Tampa Bay the win in Minnesota

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:51

The Minnesota Vikings dropped their season record to 5-3 with a home field loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Rookie running back Doug Martin put on a great show, getting his first career 100 yard game while Minnesota put on another clinic of poor tackling skills. During the game, the announcers pointed out that Martin by himself was out-gaining the entire Vikings offense. To be fair, the Vikings defence was the best of the three units on the field last night: the offense was putrid and the special teams players didn’t improve much from last week’s debacle.

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October 22, 2012

Vikings move to 5-2 after ugly win against the Arizona Cardinals

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:22

Minnesota hosted the Arizona Cardinals for a barely watchable game yesterday, finishing with a 21-14 score. Neither team could muster much in the way of a cohesive air campaign, although both teams had a 100-yard rusher on the day: Adrian Peterson tied Robert Smith’s team record of 29 100-yard rushing games, while Arizona’s “Hyphen” (LaRod Stephens-Howling) got his career first 100-yarder.

Arizona gave up sacks to Brian Robison (3), Jared Allen (2), Kevin Williams (1) and Antoine Winfield (1), and Harrison Smith got his first career interception which he ran back 31 yards for a defensive touchdown in one of the few highlights of the game. The defence saved the game, but it wasn’t a great team effort even on that side of the ball: sloppy tackling and missed assignments were far too common.

The Vikings’ special teams unit managed just enough to stay competitive, but a bone-headed block-in-the-back negated a Percy Harvin return for a TD at the beginning of the game (to be fair, at regular speed it looked like the Cardinal who was blocked might have been able to get his hands on Harvin).

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October 15, 2012

Vikings lose to Redskins, drop to 4-2 on the season

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:16

Another late game that wasn’t available (on non-premium channels, anyway) in my area. It sounds like the RGIII show, from the commentaries:

The Minnesota Vikings got to within 31-26 after Christian Ponder’s second touchdown pass of the day, and after a Jared Allen sack and a short run by Alfred Morris, appeared to have the Washington Redskins right where they wanted them.

Not the case.

On third down, Robert Griffin III took the snap, and started out up the middle of the field. He peeled off to the left, and went completely untouched into the end zone from 76 yards out for a touchdown to make it 38-26 with 2:43 remaining in the fourth quarter.

And The Viking Age agrees:

It was an ugly day for the Vikings in Washington. Ugly on offense. Ugly on defense. Just plain hideous. Where to begin? How about the defense. The Vikes have excelled on that side of the ball during their recent run of wins but today was a total reversal. The run defense had its issues and the pass defense was dismal. Robert Griffin III had all kinds of time to complete passes and found plenty of open receivers. And when Griffin needed a big play to seal the deal he got it with his feet, turning a QB draw into a 67-yard TD.

RG3 played like a star today. For the most part, the Vikings’ defensive players did not. It was a bad day for everyone in the secondary except Antoine Winfield who made some plays early including an interception. The defensive line wasn’t much better. The front four was pushed around all day the by Redskins’ offensive line. Only late in the game when the Vikings were trying to come back did the defense show the spunk we’ve seen from them lately. Except for the RG3 run.

October 13, 2012

A new take on NFL power rankings: the “Lack of Power Rankings”

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 11:25

Scott Feschuk works his magic to ensure that Cleveland comes in first in at least one ranking this year:

Resuming a hallowed and time-honoured tradition that dates back all the way to the beginning of this sentence, we take a break from sucking at football picks to present our Mid-Mid-Season Lack of Power Rankings. Teams are rated from worst to first.

1. Cleveland (0-5) You know who’s having a terrible season so far? God. Defend Him all you like: the Guy is just going through the motions. Come on, God: we’ve seen you torment the Browns for the last eon. TRY SOMETHING NEW.

2. Buffalo (2-3) The Bills are giving up so much yardage so quickly that they’re on pace to break the all-time record set by France in 1940.

3. Jacksonville (1-4) So the NFL has announced that in 2013 it will again be sending Jacksonville over to play a football game in London. Twice more and we’ll be even for them sending us Coldplay.

4. Tennessee (2-4) Despite its win over Pittsburgh, this team is a bigger train wreck than Barack Obama’s debate performance wrapped in NBC’s fall comedies and driven into a tree by Lindsay Lohan.

5. K.C. (1-4) Ladies and gentlemen, the Brady Quinn era is upon us. Lock up your daughters! (Otherwise, they may steal Brady’s job.) On the upside, a few drives should be enough to earn Quinn an ESPY nomination in the category of Best Ryan Leaf Homage.

October 8, 2012

Vikings beat Titans to move to 4-1 record on the season

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 10:33

Just like everyone predicted before the season began, the Vikings are tied at the top of the NFC North with Chicago, both boasting 4-1 records. (Hint: nobody, not even the most rabid Viking fans, were predicting anything like this.) With a comprehensive beat-down of the Tennessee Titans, the Vikings have already won more games this year than they managed in 2011 (it’s the first time they’ve won three games in a row since their huge 2009 run).

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October 1, 2012

Vikings beat Lions 20-13 in Detroit

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 08:17

Minnesota finally broke the longest in-division losing streak in the NFL, having lost 11 straight divisional games up to yesterday’s visit to Ford Field in Detroit. The Vikings never trailed after Percy Harvin took the opening kickoff 105 yards for a touchdown. Later in the game, punt returner Marcus Sherels went 77 yards to score a second special teams TD. Adrian Peterson got his first 100-yard rushing game of the season, and Christian Ponder continued his zero interception streak going for another game (but it was the defence and special teams players who won the game … with a lot of help from Detroit’s butter-fingered wide receiving corps).

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