Quotulatiousness

February 20, 2010

“Are you stupid?”

Filed under: Humour, Media, Sports — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 13:10

My new Olympic hero, with a gold medal in press relations, Sven Kramer:

Update, 25 February: If you felt that Kramer was showing Hubris in the clip above, you might also feel that Nemesis showed up right on schedule, too:

After 25 laps around the Richmond Olympic Oval, Sven Kramer of the Netherlands crossed the finish line Tuesday and raised his arms in triumph, having secured — or so he thought — his second Olympic record and gold medal of these Winter Games.

Within seconds, Kramer’s celebration turned icy cold. When his coach, Gerard Kemkers, caught up to him during his cool-down lap, he palmed his head and delivered the bad news: Kramer was disqualified for incorrectly changing lanes with eight laps remaining in the 10,000-meter race.

Kramer, who has dominated the distance since finishing seventh at the 2006 Olympics, spiked his glasses upon learning his fate. He looked as if he wanted to punch Kemkers, who later accepted full blame for what happened. He said he glanced up from recording split times, became momentarily disoriented and barked at Kramer to switch to the inner lane.

February 19, 2010

Another tale of Canadian retail online follies

Filed under: Gaming, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 08:45

The most recent season of The Guild got released on DVD this week. I’m certainly going to be ordering a copy, but there appears to be a hitch: it’s not (yet) being carried by my usual online suppliers. Amazon.ca doesn’t have it listed yet, and Chapters/Indigo says it won’t be available until May 25th.

Amazon.com says it’s shipping right now.

And this will be another case of “nobody wants it” in Canada when it finally does become available through Canadian channels because anyone who wanted it already ordered it from US sources.

February 16, 2010

QotD: Football

Filed under: Football, Humour, Quotations — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 13:11

The Super Bowl is one of those great annual events that is uniquely American — except for the Roman numerals. I think those still belong to the Vatican.

If you missed it, the final score was Saints, XXXI and Colts, XVII.

The Super Bowl represents what we Americans are all about: creative commercials occasionally interrupted by violence. During the six-hour broadcast, there were only 11 minutes of actual, live football action. Some of the commercial breaks were so long that, when we finally came back to the game, I had forgotten which teams were playing.

And what better Norman Rockwell-esque ritual could I have with my kids than to watch 20 erectile dysfunction commercials to every snap of the football? “Daddy, why are those people in bathtubs watching the sun set?” I just tell them the people lost their homes to foreclosure.

Football is a lot like sex: countless hours of advertising how good it will be with only 11 minutes of actual action. Then, for me, there is always that awkward moment at the end when my credit card is declined.

Ron Hart, “Super Bowl: Uniquely American – except the Roman numerals”, Orange County Register, 2010-02-10

Things I did not know about Curling

Filed under: Humour, Sports — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 12:35

I’ve been living under a bunch of misapprehensions about the “sport” of Curling. I admit, I haven’t subjected these revelations to any peer review or fact checking, but if the climate “scientists” can get away with that kind of sloppiness, why can’t I?

* The movie Death Race 2000 was loosely based on curling.
* Curling has been described as shuffleboard plus ice plus chess times football plus ninjas times a grizzly bear plus a nuclear explosion minus badminton.
* Curling is banned in most of Europe due to making their heads explode with its awesomeness
* The stones in curling are made from brimstone mined from the very depths of hell.
* Placing a stone perfectly in the house has been rated the hardest act in any sport, harder than hitting a fast ball or catching the golden snitch.
* Due to the excitement, curling is not recommended for the elderly, those with heart conditions, pregnant women, and people who suck and don’t like awesome things.
* In ancient times, only the greatest, strongest warriors were chosen to play curling… and housewives good at sweeping.
* No one is sure where curling came from, but most guess it was a collaborative project of Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Jack Bauer, and Fred Thompson.

February 12, 2010

Eric Raymond finally “gets” the Vikings

Filed under: History, Humour, USA — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 12:47

I’m just as happy that my area didn’t receive any of the snow that’s been blanketing areas to the south of us. Eric Raymond wasn’t as lucky:

Now I understand the Viking Era
So I’m sitting here, looking out my window at the 3-foot snow and the 5-foot icicles, reverting to ancestral type. Thinking:

“Fuck this. Let’s go sack Miklagard.”

And Ken Burnside points out even more opportunity for enriching historical knowledge:

The reason why Minnesota and Wisconsin were settled by Norwege and Swenske isn’t because the other cultures couldn’t hack the winters.

It’s because compared to 19th century Norway and Sweden, Upper Minneosta and Upper Wisconsin are *paradise*.

“Look! Farmland! Lakes for fishing! Timber and lumber to build from! And no morass of petty aristocracy to tell you no. And, hey, it only snows for five whole months here! They won’t believe THAT back in the old country!”

The only reason there weren’t more of them was because a lot of Norski STILL remember the marketing flimflam that was Greenland. They had a completely justified 900 year old mistrust of ANYONE telling them about ‘great farmland, only snows for five months of the year, plenty of timber…’

February 10, 2010

QotD: The shop vac . . . of doom

Filed under: Humour, Quotations, Tools — Tags: — Nicholas @ 19:45

Now that I have a manly garage, with a manly workbench, I was delighted to receive for Christmas a Shop Vac. It’s a magical device that sucks up all sorts of debris, even liquid. It has attachments for everything. I think one attachment is for haircuts, but I haven’t tried it yet. The Shop Vac is gray and black and reminds me of R2D2 so much that I expect it to jack into my breaker panels and reprogram my DVR.

My point is that my Shop Vac is totally awesome. That is, unless I try to move it. It has wheels, but at the first sign of movement, the Shop Vac starts squirming and tossing off attachments like a balloonist heading into a volcano. The hose becomes like a spastic elephant trunk. It will find all of the loose objects in your garage and fling them one-by-one into oil spills and darkened spider nests. If you focus your attention on the flailing vacuum hose, the power cord will wrap itself around your legs and try to trip you into the pyramid of old paint cans. And the screaming. Good lord, the little wheels scream on the concrete floor. It’s Shop Vac language for “LEAVE ME ALONE! DO NOT MOVE ME! I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY TENTACLE!”

The worst of it, if I can pick just one thing, is that the situation totally ruins my manly vibe. I live in fear that Shelly will come into the garage and see me losing a cage match to R2D2.

Scott Adams, “My Shop Vac”, Dilbert.com, 2010-02-10

February 6, 2010

Tweet of the day

Filed under: Humour, Religion — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 11:27

loresjoberg
When all you have is a hammer, a nail, and 95 theses, everything looks like a church door.

February 2, 2010

There’s more than one 3:54 length clip in Downfall?

Filed under: Germany, History, Humour, Media — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 07:43

Elsewhere, the Guardian wonders why the Hitler-in-the-bunker scene from Downfall has become such a popular meme.

February 1, 2010

Cookie Monster after visiting Room 101

Filed under: Bureaucracy, Health, Humour — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 09:41

L. Neil Smith looks at the sad remains of a once-great Muppet:

My only child turned twenty years of age early last month, so it has been some time since I kept daily track with her of the various comings and goings of the diverse and colorful inhabitants of Sesame Street.

Thus it was with considerable dismay that I recently learned that my favorite of these denizens had been abducted, tortured, brainwashed by the vile forces of political correctness, and returned to society a broken, pitiable shadow of his former self, rather like Winston Smith in 1984, after rats had been used to force him to scream “Do it to Julia!”

A product of merciless North Korean-style mind-conditioning, the great blue googly-eyed Cookie Monster now mouths mindless, robotic platitudes and slogans like “cookies are a sometimes snack”. He even eats broccoli — the Green Death — in public, like a circus geek consuming broken lightbulbs and handsful of worms. Gone is the joyous hedonist we knew who was a living exemplar of Robert Heinlein’s famous dicta, “Dum vivamus, vivamus!” and “Anything worth doing is worth overdoing!”

He has become just another “progressive” icon, different-looking on the outside, yes, but filled up on the inside with the same bland, gray, unappetizing pablum as Smokey the Bear, Bono, and Janeane Garofalo.

January 28, 2010

“It starts here, with a lack-lustre establishing shot . . .”

Filed under: Humour, Media — Tags: — Nicholas @ 22:39

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

H/T to Victor for the link. Utterly brilliant.

January 27, 2010

Apple’s latest . . . marketing mis-step

Filed under: Humour, Technology — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 13:53

AdRants has a bit of fun with Apple’s choice of name for its latest rapture-of-the-nerds tech device:

Apple Introduces New Feminine Protection Product: The iPad

According to an explosion of tweets following Steve Jobs’ announcement of the iPad, the device’s new name isn’t going over so well:

– For now the iPad’s really exciting, but wait until they release the iTampon

– iPad: You only need to plug it in once a month

– Wow – its the iPad. Wonder if it comes in 2 sizes (maxi and mini)

– I guess it’s Apple’s “time of the month”

– The Apple iPad: for all your heavy (work) flow days

– Our little iPod has hit womanhood

– To recap: the iPad will come with an iRag (to keep it clean) + some iBruprofen (to keep it working smoothly) + iWings (protection plan)

H/T to Virginia Postrel, who wrote “And so the jokes begin…Apple needs more female marketers”.

Update: Francis Turner sent a link to the official announcement photo.

More serious coverage of the new product from The Register.

Welcome to Canada . . . this is our variant of English

Filed under: Cancon, Humour — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 13:28

SherryGrammarian would like to extend a welcome to all the soon-to-be-arriving Winter Olympics visitors and offers some explanations about the variant of English spoken in (parts of) Canada:

Like the country itself, Canadian English suffers from a bit of an identity crisis: Do we speak the tongue of our British heritage? Or do we employ the vernacular of our closest geographical and cultural neighbour, the United States?

And in quintessentially Canadian fashion, we’ve come up with an offend-no-one resolution: a little deference, a little defiance. Canadian English is the bastard child of a queen and a cowboy.

We honour the monarchy by minding our p’s and q’s, and in using u’s in words like “labour” and “flavour.” In Canada, you enter the “centre” and catch a feature at the “theatre.”

The last letter of the alphabet retains its British pronunciation yet appears American in words like “organize” and “realize” — but we draw the line at calling the bearded Texas rock band “ZedZed Top,” and for that we will not apologize.

[. . .]

And (Americans, take note), “rout” is what my hockey team does to your hockey team. “Route” — pronounced root — is the path to the nearest donut shop.

January 26, 2010

QotD: Esquire magazine, tongue-bath attendant to the (political) stars

Filed under: Humour, Politics, Quotations — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 13:09

Anytime Esquire writes extensively about politicians, it’s going to be pretty icky, and this Tom Junod piece which compares Obama’s governing style to “positive discipline” parenting (this makes us a bunch of bratty children) is pretty super-icky. (Esquire can never quite get it through its head that what politicians do, mostly, is order around mass murder, mass theft, and the spinning of resources and power to their buddies. They certainly aren’t alone in missing this point, though. But they really, really, really miss it. Politicians to them are always noble guardians of the best in the American spirit or some such sententious bullshit.)

Brian Doherty, “Jazz and Modern Liberalism: The Eerie Parallels”, Hit and Run, 2010-01-26

A message from Transport Canada

Filed under: Bureaucracy, Cancon, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 12:01

From the Rick Mercer Report.

January 23, 2010

Slate peeks at Barack Obama’s Facebook feed

Filed under: Humour, Politics, USA — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 17:09

I thought Facebook had fixed the privacy settings, but Slate manages to show President Obama’s Facebook feed:

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