Quotulatiousness

August 25, 2021

QotD: What Hamas says versus how western media reports what they said

Filed under: Humour, Media, Middle East, Quotations, USA — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

“The illegitimate Zionist entity must be forced to end its occupation of all of Palestine, from Tel Aviv to Jericho.” Western Reporter: “So what you’re saying is that you support a peaceful 2-state solution.”
“We will kill the sons of pigs and apes like the great Hitler.”
Western reporter: “So what you’re saying is that you object to right-wing Israeli politicians like Netanyahu.”
“We want an Islamic state governed by sharia.”
Western reporter: “Democracy, one-person, one-vote, religious freedom for all. Got it.”
“We thank our great friends in Iran for their money, missiles, and bombs.”
Western Reporter: “Hamas insists on being a grassroots Palestinian movement not dependent on foreign support.”

David Bernstein, “It must be frustrating being a Hamas spokesman”, Instapundit, 2021-05-22.

August 24, 2021

Tracking the bullshit in the ongoing “she-lection”

Filed under: Cancon, Humour, Media, Politics — Tags: — Nicholas @ 03:00

Ever watchful of opportunities, the folks at The Line quickly realized that there was a critical tracking metric going un-reported in the 2021 federal election and They. Are. On. It.

“2019 Canadian federal election – VOTE” by Indrid__Cold is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

At The Line, we’ll be continuing to send out our weekly dispatches for the duration of the campaign. Columnist Jen Gerson will also be doing a weekly recap of major events. We’ll be running articles by other contributors as they come in — not all will be about the election, but many will. And we’re happy to do this. But we felt that something — something we couldn’t quite put our finger on — was missing from our plan. We felt there was more that we could do.

It was our friend over at The Hub, a new media startup, that set us on the right course. The Hub is going to be doing “Policy Pulse”, which they describe as “tracking all the policy announcements from the major parties, with instant analysis from our crew of experts.” Great idea! But the more we thought about it, the more we realized that, you know, that doesn’t quite catch it all. There’s something else that needs to be carefully tracked and analyzed. So we at The Line are proud to bring you our first Bullshit Bulletin, where we’ll note and mock all the incredibly dumb stuff that crops up along the way. This will be an evolving process, and we don’t pretend to see everything, so if you want to send us suggestions, tweet us at @the_lineca, and add #bullshitbulletin, or drop us a note at lineeditor@protonmail.com, with Bullshit Bulletin in the subject field.

And to be clear, all you smart asses out there, no, don’t just tag the entire campaign or every statement made by every member of a party you’re not voting for and write it off as bullshit. There’s degrees of wiggle room and salesmanship and base-mobilizing in every election. We’re not going to worry about that. We’re looking for the egregious examples, and the really weird stuff that comes tumbling out of the partisan mind.

On that note, let’s get started.

Note that although they’re careful to exclude bullshit reports on comments “made by every member of a party you’re not voting for” — which is fair and sensible — they are (one assumes) open to bullshit reports on comments made by members of the party you are planning to vote for … because if it’s enough to set off your partisan-biased bullshit meter when it comes from your “side”, then it’s got to be prime quality bullshit.

August 15, 2021

QotD: A bold new electoral strategy for the US Republican party

Filed under: Humour, Politics, Quotations, USA — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 01:00

To save our country from President *’s reign of error, the Republican Party is going to have to think outside the box, push the envelope, and execute other similar cliches. I have a suggestion for an innovative strategy for the 2022 election cycle that might well overcome the usual GOP establishment tendency toward failure. I say – and you may want to sit down – that this time we should pick some candidates that don’t suck.

Hear me out. It’s kind of crazy, but it just might work.

A nominee who doesn’t suck has certain advantages over the usual losers we see all too often idioting up our ballots. One of those advantages is that people are more likely to vote for someone who is not terrible than one who manifestly is. And getting more votes than the Democrat – who is always terrible – is a very, very important part of electoral victory, though you would not know that from the GOPe’s actions. Its members seem to think the goal is polite defeat, but us unwashed Jesus people who like guns and America and don’t live near Washington have this weird notion that candidates should attempt to win their elections.

Maybe we should try that in 2022.

Kurt Schlichter, “Idea: In 2020, Let’s Nominate Candidates Who Aren’t Awful”, TownHall.com, 2021-05-12.

August 14, 2021

Great Moments in Unintended Consequences (Vol. 3)

ReasonTV
Published 7 May 2021

Good intentions, bad results.

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Window Wealth
The Year: 1696
The Problem: Britain needs money.

The Solution: Tax windows! A residence’s number of windows increases with relative wealth and is easily observed and verified from afar. A perfect revenue generator is born!

Sounds like a great idea! With the best of intentions. What could possibly go wrong?

To avoid higher taxes, houses were built with fewer windows, and existing windows were bricked up. Tenements were charged as single dwellings, putting them in a higher tax bracket, which then led to rising rents or windowless apartments. The lack of ventilation and sunlight led to greater disease prevalence, stunted growth, and one rather irate Charles Dickens.

It took more than 150 years for politicians to see the error of their ways — perhaps because their view was blocked by bricks.

Loonie Ladies
The Year: 1992
The Problem: Nude dancing is degrading to women and ruining the moral fabric of Alberta, Canada.

The Solution: Establish a one-meter buffer zone between patrons and dancers.

Sounds like total buzzkill! With puritanical intentions. What could possibly go wrong?

It turns out that dancers earn most of their money in the form of tips, and dollar bills don’t fly through the air very well. Thus, the measure designed to protect dancers from degrading treatment resulted in “the loonie toss” — a creepy ritual where naked women are pelted with Canadian one-dollar coins, which are known as loonies.

Way to make the ladies feel special, Alberta.

Gallant Grocers
The Year: 2021
The Problem: Local bureaucrats need to look like they care.

The Solution: Mandate that grocery stores provide “hero pay” to their workers.

Sounds like a great idea! With the best of intentions. What could possibly go wrong?

Besides the fact that these ordinances may preempt federal labor and equal protection laws, a 28 percent pay raise for employees can be catastrophic to grocery stores that traditionally operate on razor-thin margins. As a result, many underperforming stores closed, resulting in a “hero pay” of sudden unemployment.

Don’t spend it all in one place!

Written and produced by Meredith and Austin Bragg; narrated by Austin Bragg

August 13, 2021

QotD: Whisky, whiskey, and Canadian whiskey

Filed under: Cancon, Humour, Quotations, USA — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

I’m from Kentucky, and people tell me I should be loyal to Bourbon, but I see the whiskey hierarchy sort of like this:

  1. Scotch. Nectar of the Gods. Complex, smooth, and just the right thing to fill yourself up on before painting yourself blue and riding off to kick the crap out of a bunch of English gits. Lagavulin and Macallan (16 years) are the reason people have been able to tolerate life in the scrubby, bleak landscape of northern Great Britain. Or whatever the island that contains Scotland is called. For all I know, “Great Britain” includes the Falklands.
  2. Bourbon and sour mash. Only good for mixing, unless you spend at least forty dollars, because Bourbon is usually harsh. And that includes Wild Turkey. But the better ones are smooth and full-flavored, albeit about as complex as a Kool Pop. I like Blanton’s. Maker’s Mark gold is okay, but only if your friends are serving it free of charge. People holler about Knob Creek all the time. I’m suspicious of old-timey-looking products that didn’t seem to exist until 1985. I suspect that it’s a gimmick aimed at yuppie suckers, but I have not actually tried it.
  3. Irish whiskey. Wonderfully smooth; especially Black Bush, which is my favorite. Great subtle flavor. Even the cheaper brands are pretty good. But zero complexity.
  4. Canadian. This makes a good substitute for windshield-washer fluid. Absolutely the most boring whisky (with no “E”) in the universe. Tastes like brown water. Alcoholics love Canadian whisky, because there’s not much to it, and you can drink it day after day without much effort. I can’t believe Canadians waste their time driving to the distillery to make this garbage. Laughable.

I guess now I’ll get flames from the unfortunate people who enjoy Jack Daniel’s, and from pedantic losers who drink obscure distilled beverages made in Wales.

Canadian Club and Crown Royal drinkers won’t flame me until at least noon, because they are all alcoholics and won’t be done with their morning retching until then.

I still need to find some really bad Scotch on a par with Jack Daniel’s. Something packed in plastic bottles or even cans. You need a good cheap harsh whisky to marinate BBQ. The good stuff, I reserve for marinating myself.

Steve H., “Booze and Birds: My Stressful Life”, Hog On Ice, 2005-03-20

August 11, 2021

QotD: Wellington and Napoleon

Filed under: Britain, Europe, France, History, Humour, Military, Quotations — Tags: , , , , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

But the most important of the great men who at this time kept Britain top nation was an Irishman called John Wesley, who afterwards became the Duke of Wellington (and thus English). When he was still Wolseley, Wellington made a great name for himself at Plassaye, in India, where he

    “Fought with his fiery few and one,”

remarking afterwards, “It was the bloodiest battle for numbers I ever knew.” It was, however, against Napoleon and his famous Marshals (such as Marshals Ney, Soult, Davos, Mürren, Soult, Blériot, Snelgrove, Ney, etc.) that Wellington became most memorable. Napoleon’s armies always used to march on their stomachs, shouting: “Vive l’Intérieur!” and so moved about very slowly (ventre-à-terre, as the French say), thus enabling Wellington to catch them up and defeat them. When Napoleon made his troops march all the way to Moscow on their stomachs they got frozen to death one by one, and even Napoleon himself admitted afterwards that it was rather a Bad Thing.

Gorilla War in Spain

The second part of the Napoleonic War was fought in Spain and Portugal and was called the Gorilla War on account of the primitive Spanish method of fighting.

Wellington became so impatient with the slow movements of the French troops that he occupied himself drawing imaginary lines all over Portugal and thus marking off the fighting zone; he made a rule that defeats beyond these lines did not count, while any French army that came his side of them was out of bounds. Having thus insured himself against disaster, Wellington won startling victories at Devalera, Albumina, Salamanda, etc.

Waterloo

After losing this war Napoleon was sent away by the French, since he had not succeeded in making them top nation; but he soon escaped and returned just in time to fight on the French side at the battle of Waterloo. This utterly memorable battle was fought at the end of a dance, on the Playing Fields of Eton, and resulted in the English definitely becoming top nation. It was thus a very Good Thing. During the engagement the French came on in their usual creeping and crawling method and were defeated by Wellington’s memorable order, “Up Jenkins and Smashems”.

This time Napoleon was sent right away for ever by everybody, and stood on the deck of a ship in white breeches with his arms like that.

W.C. Sellar & R.J. Yeatman, 1066 And All That, 1930.

August 9, 2021

QotD: Leonid Brezhnev and his mother

Filed under: China, Humour, Politics, Quotations, Russia — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

In China, The Communist Party’s Latest, Unlikely Target: Young Marxists. “Young people who belong to Marxist groups have recently become the unlikely targets of a state crackdown due to their zeal to help educate and mobilize China’s working class to fight for their rights. The conflict has exposed a paradox between a party founded on Marxist principles and the very young people it has tasked with carrying those principles out.”

It’s not really a paradox. Communism is just a con. When the true believers get in the way of the con, they have to be shut up.

The old Soviet joke went like this: General Secretary Brezhnev shows his mother his palatial apartment in Moscow, his fancy dacha in the countryside, his chauffer-driven limousine, his personal helicopter, etc. and says “See mom, I’ve really made it. Aren’t you proud?”

“Very much so,” she says. “But I’m worried, too.”

“What are you worried about?” asks Brezhnev.

“Well, Leonid — what if the communists come back?”

Glenn Reynolds, “This Reminds Me Of The Old Soviet Joke About Leonid Brezhnev And His Mother”, Instapundit, 2018-11-24.

August 4, 2021

QotD: The Bell Curve of the benefits of (modern) education

Filed under: Education, Humour, Quotations, USA — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

It’s become clear over the last two or three decades that the benefits of education follow a bell curve (see the image at the top of this item).

On the far left of the curve is a newborn — who has learned literally nothing, knows nothing, and has received no benefit from education.

As we learn from our parents at home and our teachers at school, we progress along the curve with benefits accumulating along the way.

But something happens somewhere between sophomore year Vivisecting the Deconstructed Patriarchy 201 at Bleeding Heart College and achieving the dream of earning that Ph.D. from the University of Charging More Than a Mortgage for your dissertation on Imposing Ruthless Meaninglessness on Others.

Somewhere just on the right side of the bell curve, we devolve along the curve with detriments accumulating along the way.

By the time you’re as well educated as Dr. Swannie Jett, you’re so untethered from reality that you’re basically impervious to knowledge.

Stephen Green, “Insanity Wrap #198: Looted & Burned Target Store Puts Up Mural Celebrating Arson”, PJ Media, 2021-05-03.

August 3, 2021

History Summarized: Abrahamic Religious Philosophy

Overly Sarcastic Productions
Published 12 Jun 2017

Alrighty, here goes nothing. With three religions’ individual histories in the bag, and one campaign each by the Muslims and Christians covered on this channel, let’s see if we can find a way to all get along.

RELEVANT LINKS:
History Summarized: Islam: https://youtu.be/Uvq59FPgx88?
History Summarized: Christianity: https://youtu.be/A86fIELxFds?
History Summarized: Judaism: https://youtu.be/aKB6WduDwNE?
History Summarized: Christianity, Judaism, and the Muslim Conquest https://wp.me/p2hpV6-gQv
History Summarized: The Crusades: https://youtu.be/wZhyDIIkeLo​

PATREON: www.patreon.com/user?u=4664797

MERCH LINKS:
Shirts – https://overlysarcasticproducts.threa…?
All the other stuff – http://www.cafepress.com/OverlySarcas…?

Find us on Twitter @OSPYouTube!

July 31, 2021

Rowan Atkinson Live – With friends like these AKA the wedding from hell

Filed under: Britain, Humour — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 04:00

Rowan Atkinson Live
Published 24 Sep 2010

Also know as the wedding from hell, Rowan plays 3 very different but horribly hilarious characters including a priest who talks about fellatio …

Can You Swordfight in a Wedding Dress?

Filed under: Humour, Weapons — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 02:00

Jill Bearup
Published 17 May 2021

If you’re anticipating sword-wielding baddies at your wedding, you may well need these handy tips on the best way to sword fight in your wedding dress, or other big-skirted ballgown.

Live your best dark royaltycore life, who am I to tell you not to.

Contains very little actual fighting, because … who am I even going to fight?

Still, maybe people will be available for more fight shenanigans soon.

Music from epidemicsound.com
“Oceanic Adventure” – Bonnie Grace
“Rendezvous in D Minor” – Trevor Kowalski
“Faith Arise” – Edgar Hopp

QotD: The dangers of “hipster fuckery” in the craft beer business

Filed under: Business, Cancon, Humour, Quotations — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

The words “hype”, “fad” and “trend” were bandied about. As was my absolute favourite, “hipster fuckery”. What’s hipster fuckery, you ask? According to its utterer, it is the completely unnecessary addition of whimsical ingredients and brewing techniques, especially piled on top of each other. You’re left with a beer that is fighting itself.

Hipster fuckery is a great way to alienate potential craft beer fans.

So how about we all just agree to be innovative as hell, but stop well short of hipster fuckery? Excellent! But, umm, where is that line exactly?

Rebecca Whyman, “Beer gimmicks, pretentious nonsense and other hipster fuckery”, The Growler: Ontario Craft Beer Guide, Volume 1, Issue 3, 2018.

July 27, 2021

Sir Terry Pratchett – The Science of Discworld

Filed under: Books, Humour, Science — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 04:00

Trinity College Dublin
Published 9 Aug 2012

The Science of Discworld – with Terry Pratchett, Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen at SCIENCE GALLERY, Trinity College Dublin, Ireland in June 2012, as part of Dublin City of Science 2012

History Summarized: The Crusades

Overly Sarcastic Productions
Published 11 Jun 2017

Making a video exclusively about the crusades? That’s a bold strategy, Blue, let’s see how it pays off.

RELEVANT LINKS:
History Summarized: Islam: https://youtu.be/Uvq59FPgx88​
History Summarized: Christianity: https://youtu.be/A86fIELxFds
History Summarized: Judaism: https://youtu.be/aKB6WduDwNE​
History Summarized: Christianity, Judaism, and the Muslim Conquest https://wp.me/p2hpV6-gQv
History Summarized: Venice (Part 2): https://youtu.be/byMleAJ5kRs
History Summarized: Byzantine Empire: https://youtu.be/-ucHQVu8Dw0

History Summarized: Abrahamic Religious Philosophy: https://youtu.be/B7myRRt0Mn8​

PATREON: www.patreon.com/user?u=4664797

MERCH LINKS:
Shirts – https://overlysarcasticproducts.threa…​
All the other stuff – http://www.cafepress.com/OverlySarcas…

Find us on Twitter @OSPYouTube!

July 26, 2021

When printers malfunction – Printer

Filed under: Business, Humour, Technology — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 02:00

Viva La Dirt League
Published 26 Apr 2021

Adam experiences the utter frustration of when printers malfunction.

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