Quotulatiousness

January 15, 2010

Among it’s other cool features, the iPhone can help you survive in the wilderness

Filed under: Humour, Technology — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 08:24

Well, sort of:

If you scan the list of top iPhone apps, you might be forgiven for thinking that the device, like adolescence, is mostly for playing videogames, making rude noises and connecting to Facebook.

However, a more thorough examination of the digital delectables on offer in the app store will reveal that, far from being merely a plaything that receives phone calls — as long as you don’t live in rural Montana or my neighborhood — the iPhone is actually a hard-core survival tool.

Imagine that you’re stranded on your stock desert island, charged with surviving until the Globetrotters, your superiors at FedEx or the Smoke Monster finds you. And suppose that, for some reason, this island is equipped with a USB port for charging.

Well, then, as long as you have your trusty iPhone, you needn’t fear hypothermia, malaria or starvation. You just need the right apps. Let’s take a look, shall we?

January 13, 2010

From scaling to NSFW images in a few short steps

Filed under: Health, Humour — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 15:10

I mentioned to Jon, my former virtual landlord, that I’d been to the dentist this morning for a scaling. Somehow this went straight to the hidden blogging streak he’s been concealing for the last few years:

Every three months? Wow — that’s aggressive. You’re showing that plaque who’s boss, I guess.

[We] picked up a set of powered toothbrushes — I think they might be the Arm and Hammer brand — and we’ve been using them for several months now. I think the powered brush has made a noticeable difference in icky build-up and in the time it takes the dental assistant to pry said ick from my stumps.

Previously, the inside surface of the lower stumps would become noticeably grainy as the dental appointment approached, and that’s the area in which the most scaling work is usually done. You can really hear it when the ultrasonic pointy-ouch machine digs in to the ick — the pitch of the tool changes from that of stepped-on marmot to roto-tilled kitten.

The brush seems to be able to reduce all that — I don’t notice an accumulation of crud on the bottom teef, and the scaling at the last appointment went very quickly. Which was a bit of a disappointment, really, as it reduced my face time with the dental assistant’s lovely bosom. Oh, yes — there is a trade-off for everything. A normal scaling may mean having to hold your mouth open uncomfortably wide whilst a machine making a sound like a flayed kitten dipped in hot oil digs around your gums, spewing forth a geyser of spit and blood and pus and plaque and tissue and soul which spatters all over your shirt and pants and shoes and the wall opposite whilst your fingernails splinter as you shred the arms of the chair with a grip that would turn coal to cubic zirconia, but all is forgotten as the young dental assistant nestles your head in her firm yet alluringly soft and ever-so-subtly yielding breasts. You know what? I can feel the plaque hardening on my teeth even now, just thinking about my next cleaning.

I think I blew it last time, though, when she paused in the ultrasonic inquisition to ask if I was OK. “Oh god, yes”, I replied. “More! More!”

But there was to be no more. We were done.

January 12, 2010

Headline writing 101: get the reader’s attention

Filed under: Health, Humour, Media — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 12:51

For a perfect example of how to grab the (male) reader’s attention, pay heed to Lester Haines:

Women to ‘chest drive’ Bulgarian airbags
‘Simulated breast prosthesis’ – sport before you import

As you’d imagine, based on the headline, there are images in this article that might be unsafe for certain work environments.

January 10, 2010

You can get too passionate about . . . fonts

Filed under: Humour, Media, Technology — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 22:23

H/T to Virginia Postrel.

January 8, 2010

Great satire . . . at least, I’m assuming it’s satire

Filed under: Economics, Education, History, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 08:47

In the comments to this post at the Library of Economics and Liberty site:

I think American econ textbooks were pro-Soviet for the simple reason that the Soviet system was indisputably superior to the unforgiving ‘free market’ American system.

Make whatever claims about ‘economic growth’ or ‘relative poverty’ or ‘lack of freedom’ you want but the Soviet Union created a large-scale, modern nation state dedicated to providing everyone with a solid, equitable lifestyle. Everyone had access to food, clothing, shelter, health-care, education, meaningful work and other necessities of life. It was guaranteed right there in their constitution. That is still not the case in the US, though with the recent passage of the landmark Health Care Reform bills we have at least made the first tentative steps towards correcting one of those desperate problems.

The thing that economists need to realize is that life is not all about economics & money. Having a satisfying life planned for you with no uncertainty and no crucial needs left unfulfilled is necessary too. The Soviet Union went a good a way towards providing that.

Someday we will realize what a loss it was when the vile, venal capitalists of the West arranged its downfall. After all, no amount of material wealth provided in the willy-nilly, dog-eat-dog, all-against-all ‘free market’ will ever be able to match the simple pleasures of a life dedicated to the betterment of the community, guided by the best & brightest from their commanding perch in the government.

That was commenter “blighter” either doing a pitch-perfect parody or showing that the textbook wars were won by Soviet intelligence services.

January 7, 2010

Marmite versus Vegemite

Filed under: Australia, Britain, Food, Humour, Randomness — Tags: — Nicholas @ 07:25

Charles Stross has run out of things to post that will rile up the reader base, so he finds another way to get the chattering masses chattering — by declaring his unnatural love for Marmite and Vegemite:

Note to American readers: Marmite is what I (being a Brit) grew up with. If you brew beer on a commercial scale, when you drain the fermenting vessel you end up with a scum of dead and dying yeast cells on the side. Some time in the late 19th century, rather than treating this as waste, some nameless genius had the idea of tasting it. It turns out that brewer’s yeast, once you lyse the cells by adding salt, tastes remarkably savoury — somewhat like soy sauce, only thicker (with much the same consistency as non-set honey). Marmite, the product, is mostly yeast extract, combined with salt and a few additional spices. It’s what belongs on toast, or cheese, or in gravy and sauces to add body to them. And the stuff’s addictive. I get through it in catering-tub quantities, alas: it’s my one real high sodium vice.

Vegemite . . . it’s the antipodean antithesis. Invented in 1922 by Dr Cyril P. Callister in Australia, it was designed to plug the strategic gap opened by unrestricted U-boat warfare against the vital British Marmite convoys that had kept the colonies supplied during wartime — or something like that. Kraft popularized it, pushed it into military rations during the second world war, and over a decade clawed back sales from Marmite until it’s now the favourite toast topping down under. The recipe differs somewhat from Marmite, as does the flavour — just enough that if you’re used to one, the other tastes slightly “off” — too flat, or too astringent.

If you want to really liven up a party, pour a small jar of Marmite into the fruit punch — or add Vegemite to the dog’s bowl (as long as you don’t mind being asked to clean up afterwards). Hours of friendly discussion and informed debate can be provoked by discussing the relative merits of the two products! And it’s always a good idea to introduce visiting American guests to what they’ve been missing all these years, by exhorting them to spread it on their bread “just like peanut butter”.

January 6, 2010

Behold the awesome power of Facebook groups

Filed under: Cancon, Government, Humour, Politics — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 09:05

The editors at the National Post poke some fun at their opposite numbers over at the Toronto Star:

We know about the Star editors’ foray onto the big exciting Interweb because of the newspaper’s front-page headline on Monday: “Grassroots fury greets shuttered Parliament.” The breathless story suggests Canada is on the verge of some kind of violent 1917-style revolution — a “growing public uprising” no less, complete with “protest rallies” from coast to coast, and young activists full of unhinged, wild-eyed rage. The evidence for all this: 20,000 people joined a Facebook page called “Canadians Against Proroguing Parliament,” which urges Parliament to “Get back to work.”

[. . .]

For all we know, that 20,000 figure is up to 50,000 now, thanks to the Star publicity. Or maybe even 100,000. Who knows? But for the sake of context, let’s look at some other causes that also got a six-digit response: Almost 300,000 people have joined a group encouraging rocker John Mellencamp to quit smoking. Another hundred thousand people have joined a group encouraging random people to move to Finland. A whopping half-million people have used the power of Facebook to declare that they enjoy the television program 90210.

And then there’s our personal favourite: A group called “If 100,000 people join this group, Laura will name her son Megatron” recently met its goal. Congratulations, Laura, on the birth of your Transformer. We bet you didn’t know that he’d become the subject of — what does the Star call it? — oh yes, a “growing public uprising”!

January 5, 2010

Felicia Day in follow-on to Avatar?

Filed under: Gaming, Humour, Media — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 08:47

Date_my_Avatar

Original image here. Tweeted by Jeff Carlisle.

December 29, 2009

Worst. Decade. Ever.

Filed under: Government, Humour, Politics, USA — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 18:30

December 21, 2009

Don’t shoot your eye out!

Filed under: Humour — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 12:33

An amusing little time-waster.

H/T to Jason Ciastko for the link.

Update: I didn’t do as well as Liam did (in the comments), but he’s right that the upper left seems to provide much more opportunity for scoring:

Dont_Shoot_Your_Eye_Out

December 17, 2009

The Tiger Woods affair: the failure of the paparazzi

Filed under: Humour, Media, Sports — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 12:55

Kerry Howley says that the biggest disappointment of the whole convoluted Tiger Woods situation has been the embarassing performance of the paparazzi:

It’s not clear to me that the enduring interest in Tiger even needs explanation. For a while there, every time we looked away, a new woman emerged with an even better set of semi-sordid details. The story propelled itself forward. The gift kept on giving.

Since the above should make it clear that any cultural analysis of Tiger tends toward projection of one’s personal anxieties, I’ll refrain from using the universal “we.” I feel let down not by Woods, but by the paparazzi on whom we all depend to keep us abreast of these things. The man was with 11 women over how many years and not so much as a snapshot surfaces? Where were you, X17? Where were your swarming, flashing hordes, your ravenous stalkerazzi instincts? Does any photographer show up anywhere without a knowing tip-off from the entourage? My faith is broken.

December 16, 2009

The Guild sells out!

Filed under: Gaming, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 16:47

December 15, 2009

“B+ — it’s the new FAIL”

Filed under: Humour, Politics — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 14:10

Frank J. has been having fun with his latest meme:

I started a Twitter meme yesterday and Ace really got it going where we listed other things we would rate a good, solid B+ based on Obama’s grading scale.

BTW, for those who still think Twitter is gay, in what non-gay things do you start a discussion of politics and Firefly and Chuck’s Adam Baldwin sometimes joins in? I think that means you’re gay.

Anyway, here’s what I came up with:

Tiger had rated his marriage so far a B+.
Charles Manson’s efforts on reforming… hmm… I’d say that’s a solid B+.
Landing of the Hindenburg is a good, solid B+. A- if it were on time.
Hitler’s relationship with the Jews: B+.
My avoiding Godwin’s Law: B+.

December 11, 2009

New study confirms what every parent’s friends suspected all along

Filed under: Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 08:58

Friends of parents have been profoundly confirmed in their almost universal feelings about their friends’ kids. A recent report shows that it’s the parents who are indulging in self-deceit:

A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures.

According to Dr. Leonard Mateo, a developmental psychologist at the University of Minnesota and lead author of the study, most adults are completely unaware that they could be living among callous monsters who would remorselessly exploit them to obtain something as insignificant as an ice cream cone or a new toy.

“The most disturbing facet of this ubiquitous childhood disorder is an utter lack of empathy,” Mateo said. “These people — if you can even call them that — deliberately violate every social norm without ever pausing to consider how their selfish behavior might affect others. It’s as if they have no concept of anyone but themselves.”

[. . .]

According to the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, a clinical diagnostic tool, sociopaths often display superficial charm, pathological lying, manipulative behaviors, and a grandiose sense of self-importance. After observing 700 children engaged in everyday activities, Mateo and his colleagues found that 684 exhibited these behaviors at a severe or profound level.

December 10, 2009

Combining great music with a sense of humour

Filed under: Humour, Randomness — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 13:05

Tom Vinson sent this link to the Lois McMaster Bujold mailing list:

To which Dorian E. Gray responded, “I see your Hallelujah Chorus, and raise you an Anvil Chorus with real anvil:”

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