Quotulatiousness

March 19, 2019

New NFL rules designed to significantly reduce injuries

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

I must have misread the calendar, because this advance report from Ted Glover at the Daily Norseman seems to be a couple of weeks early:

As it turns out, the ‘no offensive lineman’ strategy was a deliberate plan employed by the Vikings, as crazy as it sounds. After speaking with people familiar with the situation, the Vikings have been the only team to get a copy of the new rule changes for 2019. The big one that is going to shock teams and fans alike is that the NFL will be transitioning from full on tackle football to a 7 on 7 passing drill format.

‘Look, it’s not our fault we got this memo before everyone else’, said a Vikings official familiar with the situation. ‘The NFL is now a passing league, and they’re concerned about player safety, so this is the next logical step. After the league decided tackling quarterbacks was bad, this just makes the most sense. I mean, if you can’t tackle the QB, why have an offensive line?’

‘The Titans are gonna shit themselves over that (Roger) Saffold contract’, said a second source also familiar with the current situation.

However, there is still a need for defensive linemen.

‘Oh yeah, we’ll still have a couple d-linemen, so it’s kind of a modified 7 on 7’, said a third Vikings official, who would only agree to speak on a condition of anonymity. ‘More like a 9 on 9. Two defensive linemen will stand on either side of the center, and there will be a new referee called the ‘Mississippi’ judge. At the snap, he will loudly yell ‘ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI, THREE MISSISSIPPI’ and the defensive linemen will be able to rush the QB. They can either bat down a thrown ball, or if they two hand tap him between the neck and waist before he throws the ball, it’s ruled a sack. And we’ll still have two tackles lined up where they would normally be. The two defenders cannot touch the tackles, and they must stay between them at the snap of the ball. Any defensive player that goes to the outside of the tackle that is standing still will be penalized 15 yards for unabated to the quarterback. We call that the ‘Matt Kalil’ rule.

February 27, 2019

Transgender athletes

Filed under: Cancon, Politics, Sports — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

Barbara Kay explains why she is against allowing transgender athletes to compete with cisgendered women:

Sport is one area where the community­ will resist “social justice” initiatives if they conflict with sport’s bedrock principles of a level playing field and zero tolerance for cheating. Up until about five minutes ago in the long history of sport, that meant women competed against women and men competed against men in all sports where advantage lies in size, power and/or speed.

When a biologically male runner or cyclist who ranks as middle of the pack in men’s races becomes the gold medallist in a Women’s race, he cheats the silver and bronze women athletes beside him on the podium, and especially the woman who came in fourth. But he also cheats people who came out to see a clean race. Joe and Jane Public know unfairness and reality denial when they see it, and it sucks all the joy out of the word “competition” for them.

[…]

Athlete Ally is one of a constellation of LGBT advocacy groups that “are helping sport organizations in Canada become more inclusive.” This quotation is taken from the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sport’s most recent policy paper, “Creating Inclusive environments for Trans Participants in Canadian Sport.” Designed as a policy guidance tool for sport organizations, it was developed by the ‘Trans Inclusion in Sport Expert Working Group,’ which I will hereafter refer to as the EWG. If you want to get a flavour of the kind of anti-science Kool-Aid our sports brain trust is drinking, read this document.

It begins factually enough. The paper notes that the vast majority of sport participation in Canada is focused on recreation and development. At this level, trans inclusion is not a big deal, because it’s all about fun and skill building. It is only for the “very small minority” of Canadian athletes who continue into high performance that competitive advantage becomes an issue. Enter the EWG. And here we leave facts behind and enter La La Land.

Sex, the EWG says, “is usually assigned at birth.” No. Sex is established during gestation according to chromosomal development. Sex is observed at birth, not assigned. Gender, the EWG says, “is not inherently connected to one’s physical anatomy.” No. Sex and gender are connected for 99% of humanity, and therefore “inherent” by normal metrics.

The definition of the word “trans,” for sports purposes, according to the EWG, “includes but is not limited to people who identify as transgender, transsexual, cross dressers (adjective) or gender non-conforming (gender diverse or genderqueer).” This is quite a puzzling mashup. Cross-dressing males do not believe they “are” female. Neither do non-conforming males and females who have no wish to transition.

But the document does not address this important inconsistency, nor the alarming imprecision of “not limited to.” From what they state in this definition, EWG is okay with cross-sex competing by biological males who do not believe they are females and females who do not believe they are male, but whose appearance or fetishes are atypical for their sex. We’re off to a very confusing start. Things don’t improve.

Indeed, to be trans can mean almost anything an individual wants it to mean (“not limited to…”), according to this document: “It is important for sports organizations to understand that each individual is different. There is no single transition process and each person will make different choices,” including, significantly, “whether they undertake hormonal or surgical transitions.”

And “[a]n individuals’ personal choice to not use hormones does not make them any less trans nor do these choices change their right to be recognized as the gender with which they identify — man, woman, both or other.” In short, the definition of trans, to be accepted by official governing sports bodies, is left entirely to an individual’s “sense” of gender identity, completely untethered from biology.

February 19, 2019

QotD: Internal contradictions of political correctness

Filed under: Media, Politics, Quotations, Sports — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

… there was an article in the magazine arguing, on what might loosely be called philosophical grounds, for an end to the separation of men and women in sports. Women tennis players, for example, should compete against men, even if this means (as it does) that no woman could ever again make a living as a tennis player. In the name of equality of the sexes, one sex should be eliminated from a whole field of endeavor. Presumably, also, there should be no concessions for the handicapped, who would be forced to compete not against those similarly handicapped but against the fully fit.

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it: For the greater political correctness’ violation of common sense, the better — at least if its goal is power over men’s minds and conduct. In this sense it is like Communist propaganda of old: The greater the disparity between the claims of that propaganda and the everyday experience of those at whom it was directed, the greater the humiliation suffered by the latter, especially when they were obliged to repeat it, thus destroying their ability to resist, even in the secret corners of their heart. That is why the politically correct insist that everyone uses their language: Unlike what the press is supposed to do, the politically correct speak power to truth.

One of the strange things about the politically correct is that they never seem to become bored with their own thoughts. And this leads to a dilemma for those who oppose political correctness, for to be constantly arguing against bores is to become a bore oneself. On the other hand, not to argue against them is to let them win by default. To argue against rubbish is to immerse oneself in rubbish; not to argue against rubbish is to allow it to triumph. All that is necessary for humbug to triumph is for honest men to say nothing.

Theodore Dalrymple, “Two Forms of Mass Hysteria”, Taki’s Magazine, 2017-03-11.

February 11, 2019

The “sports gene”

Filed under: Humour, Sports, USA — Tags: , — Nicholas @ 03:00

In his most recent newsletter, Andrew Heaton regrets not having inherited the “sports gene”:

I honestly believe (and science will vindicate this) that there is such a thing as a “sports gene,” and I don’t have one.

I *wish* I did. I like meeting people, and sports and weather are good conversation starters. (Except for the few people who don’t like sports, or live in hermetically-sealed biodomes.) I’ll have a hard time if I ever run for state legislature if I’m constantly trying to pivot conversation away from football and back towards Robert Heinlein novels.

Aside from the social benefits of being sporty, I also get the distinct impression that I’m missing out on some fundamental part of the human experience. In clips of football games, when the team shoots the ball through the big wicket, people erupt into a state of enraptured ecstasy which is only available to me through abusing prescription drugs. That looks like a fun thing to be a part of, if only it could light up the absent sports chunk of my brain. I think I can glom onto some of that group joy dynamic via singing, but Broadway sing-a-longs are less pervasive in our culture than sports bars.

That said, much as I’d love to get a sports gene infusion so I can join in on the fun, when it happens I pledge to be less obnoxious in bars. Why are sports fans allowed to scream in bars but nobody else is? If there’s a basketball game on, it’s completely socially acceptable to yell like a lunatic when the tall guys launch the ball through the net wicket. Were I to see a preview for “Picard” or a thrilling policy debate on CSPAN, and lose my mind screaming and clapping, people would beat me to death with a pool cue. How about no more screaming in bars?

You can sign up for his newsletter here.

February 6, 2019

QotD: “Get off my lawn!”

Filed under: Cancon, Government, Quotations, Sports — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 01:00

The zeitgeist, of course, has also changed since 2002. Childhood obesity and screen addiction are now perceived as urgent matters of public health. A politician who wants those damn kids off his lawn is likely to be told “You’re a monster who is spreading diabetes and ruin, and, frankly, it’s amazing that there are kids on your lawn in 2017 and we would like to know how you accomplished this.”

Colby Cosh, “Hamilton finally ends its decades-old ban on street hockey, and it won’t actually change a thing”, National Post, 2017-03-06.

January 15, 2019

Why Do American Football Quarterbacks Say “Hut Hut Hike!”?

Filed under: Football — Tags: — Nicholas @ 02:00

Today I Found Out
Published on 9 Nov 2018

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In this video:

An integral part of the game, immediately prior to the start of play, the football quarterback begins his cadence. More than just “hut,” the offensive leader on the field uses short commands to prepare the team, adjust to the defense’s line up and even change the play. Whether it’s “53 is the Mike,” “Omaha,” “Red 32,” “Set” or “Hike,” each shout is an important tool in the quarterback’s bag of tricks.

Want the text version?: http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.p…

December 31, 2018

Vikings’ playoff hopes end in dismal performance at US Bank Stadium

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

As a life-long Vikings fan, I had little faith in the “win-and-in” situation the Vikings found themselves in coming into Sunday afternoon’s game against the Chicago Bears … I’ve seen it happen all too often, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to have it happen yet again. The Vikings came into the game looking less-than-convinced, and the peformance on the field was less-than-convincing. The final score of 24-10 was just about right, although shading to flatter the Vikings a tiny bit more than they deserved. Even had they somehow managed to pull out a win late against Chicago’s backups, they didn’t look like they’d be more than one-and-done in the wildcard round anyway.

Lessons learned? Better offensive line players are required to get any significant benefit out of an $84 million quarterback, and you can never have too many good cornerbacks (but that’s always true in today’s NFL). Despite the disappointing finish, I don’t expect any significant changes in the front office, but I do expect a renewed emphasis on the offensive line during free agency and the draft. Despite Sunday’s underwhelming effort, this is still a team that can go deep in the playoffs if they fix the OL, and maintain the depth on defence.

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December 24, 2018

Vikings visit Detroit, eventually decide to pillage the place 27-9, after very slow start

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

Sunday’s game in Detroit started off so slowly that you’d be forgiven for thinking that the Vikings were already out of the playoff race and that the Lions were chasing a wildcard slot. It took most of the first half for Minnesota to decide they actually did want to play football, and were facing a 9-0 score by that point. If Detroit had been just a bit better, they’d have been up by much more. Eventually, despite a veritable blizzard of yellow hankies due to self-inflicted penalties, the Vikings finally got out of their own way and took the lead at the end of the first half on a Hail Mary pass to tight end Kyle Rudolph (who himself seemed to be alternating really good plays with boneheaded plays, but ended up with a career day despite himself).

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December 17, 2018

Miami has two really good plays in 41-17 loss to Minnesota

Filed under: Football, Wine — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

Although the rest of the game may not be all that memorable for Dolphins fans, Minkah Fitzpatrick’s pick-6 in the second quarter and the 75-yard TD run to start the third were definite high points for Miami. Before Cousins threw that interception, Miami was down 21 points and the Vikings were threatening to run up the score. After the interception, the dreaded over-cautiousness came back to Cousins and he was clearly more worried about making mistakes than making plays. The Dolphins’ running touchdown was a fantastic effort that the football gods rewarded appropriately. Other than those two plays, however, there isn’t a lot of comfort for the team or the fans, especially when your quarterback ends up being sacked nine times.

The first quarter was practically flawless for the Vikings in new offensive co-ordinator Kevin Stefanski’s first game calling plays, with an almost perfect balance between passing plays and rushes. Dalvin Cook got his first rushing touchdown of the season and Latavius Murray ran in a second. Kirk Cousins was boasting a perfect passer rating at the end of the first fifteen minutes of play, and Miami didn’t have any answers at all.

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December 12, 2018

“(Almost) scoreless in Seattle”, prompts the Vikings to fire offensive co-ordinator John DeFilippo

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

Monday night’s game was a great example of how not to run an offence, courtesy of a season-long determination to avoid running the football at all costs. Seattle moved the ball almost at will, but didn’t have the points to show for it until late in the game. Minnesota played as if they were afraid to take any kind of risk at all. The Vikings ran zero plays in Seattle territory in the first half, and went into the locker room down 3-0, but the way they’d been playing, it felt like a lot more than that.

The Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover did his usual Stock Market Report after the game:

Blue Chips:
None. The offense is as fun to watch as a traffic jam stacking up in front of you, the defense gave up 200 yards rushing, and I literally laugh every time Dan Bailey trots out to kick a field goal, because a Choose Your Own Adventure book has less possible outcomes. This team is heading south faster than a flock of migrating birds, and as amazing as it seems, with few exceptions no one on the Vikings plays like they care about what happens right now.

Solid Investments:
Dalvin Cook, RB. Cook looked decent running the ball, although once again he only got 13 carries in a game that was within one score well into the fourth quarter. He also had the Vikings lone touchdown which yay I guess.

Anthony Harris, S: Harris looked like he was one of the few guys going all out on every play, from the first snap.

Holton Hill, CB: I thought Hill played a solid game in place of Trae Waynes, and had a big pass break up in the end zone.

Junk Bonds:
John DeFilippo, OC: The play calling is something right out of a Dystopian Fever Dream where your playbook consists of shit you draw on napkins, and you’ve managed to spill drinks and ruin all the napkins but about two or three, and yeah hey maybe this one will work this time. For example, on fourth and one in Seattle territory, everyone knew in the stadium the Vikings were going to hand the ball off to Latavius Murray. Loss of a yard, turnover on downs. The calls down on the goal line when the Vikings were stopped were questionable, and when Laquon Treadwell has more targets well into the third quarter than Adam Thielen does, something has gone horribly wrong.

Mike Remmers, RG: Remmers was dough tonight, and the the Seahawks were a rolling pin.

Kirk Cousins, QB: Kirk Cousins tonight, in one picture.

Yes, that’s the guy making $28 million dollars turning his back to the line of scrimmage and throwing a forward pass … backwards … to Latavius Murray. While completely ignoring a wide open Adam Thielen 20 yards downfield. It’s so amazing in many ways I feel that if someone paints this in oil it will one day hang in the Louvre.

Last week, after the Vikings’ sad effort in New England, I wrote:

At one point, the broadcast talking heads (Joe Buck and Troy Aikman) were making noises about just how good a job the Vikings offensive co-ordinator had done this season and how he (John DeFilippo) would certainly be a top candidate for one of the head coaching openings after the season is over. I nearly choked to death. Of course, so did the Vikings offence. If what we’ve seen of his body of work is accurate, I think the team should do everything in its power to encourage him to become head coach of another franchise (Green Bay? Can it be Green Bay? Please?). The sooner the better. The man seems to know even less about running a modern NFL offence than I do!

Earlier on Tuesday, the DN News and links post included this, which I fully agreed with:

My yelling was mostly directed at the Vikings’ offensive coordinator. His tenure is a beautiful example of how the national sports media knows very little (the same could be said for the national media in general, I suppose). A narrative gets started somehow, then gains steam, then before long, all the parrots are repeating the same thing. Take the post-season buzz about John DeFilippo. We all heard that John DeFillipo (I have used many other names for him this evening) was a genius, and will be NFL’s next great head coach, and that we were lucky to get him as our offensive coordinator. Well, I have to say that I think they were wrong. I’m not normally prone to over-reaction, but this guy is not good at what he is being paid to do, I see no reason to think that will change, and he is ruining the chances for a very good team to do very good things. He seems inflexible, incapable of adjusting mid-game, and his situational play calling is baffling. 1st and goal from the two? Three straight plays from the shotgun, then the failed attempt on fourth, which I can’t recall right now, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he sent everyone deep. How many third-and-short plays were roll-out plays to the right that wound up being throw-aways? A lot. and if Green Bay still wants to hire him as their head coach, I say they should hitch up the buggy, load it up with a few days’ supplies, and come get him. I’ll be in town Saturday, I could help him pack.

On Tuesday, the team parted ways with DeFilippo, and will replace him (at least temporarily) with quarterbacks coach Kevin Stefanski:

John DeFilippo is a bright offensive mind and he might someday become a great offensive coordinator, but something had to change for the Minnesota Vikings.

After being shut down on national TV in Seattle, the Vikings dropped to 6-6-1 in large part because of the 20th ranked scoring offense. They nearly went six quarters without a score — a streak that was only ended by a garbage-time touchdown at the end of Monday night’s loss.

[…]

While an OC change at this point in the game may seem like a panicked move, there is precedent. In 2012 the Ravens fired Cam Cameron in favor of Jim Caldwell. They went on to put together one of the best performances by a quarterback in postseason history and win the Super Bowl.

The way the Vikings defense is playing, an offensive turnaround could give them a chance to achieve the goals they set out to accomplish in training camp. They allowed just 72 yards passing to Russell Wilson and only six points late into the fourth quarter. The defense has repeatedly given the Vikings a shot to win big games, including against the Saints and Patriots.

Certainly Stefanski isn’t a cure-all. The offensive line is still going to limit what the Vikings can do on offense, but in order to have a shot the Vikings don’t have to be elite on offense, just effective. They haven’t been anywhere close to effective lately.

Zimmer picked the right week to make a change. The Vikings come back home against a competitive, but not great, Dolphins team. They need to prove a winning team can be defeated in order to avoid a complete season meltdown.

Before Tuesday, nothing pointed to a turnaround. Now at least there is a chance.

December 4, 2018

Putridity against the Patriots

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

The Vikings didn’t have a good outing against the New England Patriots on Sunday afternoon. In fact, aside from one or two highlights, it was a miserable offensive performance. At one point, the broadcast talking heads (Joe Buck and Troy Aikman) were making noises about just how good a job the Vikings offensive co-ordinator had done this season and how he ( John DeFilippo) would certainly be a top candidate for one of the head coaching openings after the season is over. I nearly choked to death. Of course, so did the Vikings offence. If what we’ve seen of his body of work is accurate, I think the team should do everything in its power to encourage him to become head coach of another franchise (Green Bay? Can it be Green Bay? Please?). The sooner the better. The man seems to know even less about running a modern NFL offence than I do!

At the Daily Norseman, Ted Glover offers his usual post-game Stock Market Report, of which the Buy/Sell recommendations are key:

Buy: Running the ball with Dalvin Cook early. For the first time since the Lions game, which feels like it was about two seasons ago, Dalvin Cook and the running game got going early in the game. Cook had 32 and 18 yards on consecutive runs in the first half, and the Vikings really looked good running to the perimeter.

Sell: Mostly ignoring Dalvin Cook on the ground. So, that 32 and 18 yard run? the 32 yard run came with 7:41 left in the first quarter, and the 18 yard run, the next time he carried it as a running back, came with 5:39 left … in the second quarter. In the meantime, Minnesota kept dumping off the Cook in the flat for a couple yards here and there (Cook ended up with 8 catches for 23 yards), and one would think after about the 37th dump off pass for three yards, one would try something else. One would be wrong, though.

Buy: The two minute drive to end the first half. Cousins was crisp, throwing dimes down field to Diggs, Rudolph, Robinson, and managed the clock perfectly. He hit Adam Thielen on a perfect out route in the end zone, and there was only :15 seconds left when the Vikings scored; too little time for Tom Brady. Hands down the best two minute drive the Vikings have orchestrated this year.

Sell: The 28 minutes that opened the first half. Other than Cook running the ball, though, the Vikings offense looked flat out putrid for the rest of the first half. The offensive line had trouble protecting Cousins, which led to either designed short passes or checkdowns that went for minimal gains. The result was an offense that went punt, missed fg, punt, punt in their first four possessions before their lone TD drive.

Buy: The Mike Zimmer challenge on the Gronkowski catch felt like a momentum shift. With 2:34 left in the first half, the Pats had a second and five from their own 22. Tom Brady completed a pass to Rob Gronkowski, which was ruled a first down. However, the spot was wrong, and Mike Zimmer challenged. He won, and instead of first and ten, it was third and one. On third down, the Vikings stuffed the Pats, they punted, and it felt like a seminal moment in the game.

Sell: The Vikings seized the moment. Yes, the Vikings took the ball on their ensuing drive and scored a touchdown, and went into halftime down only 10-7. Last year, a moment like that felt like it would be a lunching pad to take over the game and win it. But the offense reverted to what they did much of the first half, and didn’t find the end zone again. The defense had trouble getting off the field on third down, and couldn’t get a stop when they needed it. It’s become a broken record at this point, but the complementary football that the Vikings talk about, and were so good at last year, isn’t there this year.

Buy: The Vikings offense should be a top ten unit. They have a talented young running back, a good quarterback, a reliable tight end, and the best WR tandem in the NFL. I’m not saying this offense should be Oklahoma, but they’re built to score points

Sell: The Vikings offensive play calling. Honest to goodness, I have no idea what offensive coordinator John DeFilippo is thinking anymore. It feels like he tries to figure out what works, and then intentionally decides not do that thing. Look, when you have a running back that’s averaging 9.3 yards a carry, (and had two more good runs nullified because of penalties), why would you want to keep running the ball with him in bad weather? Silly cake eaters, what do we know? And once the Vikings do fall behind, there seems to be zero sense of urgency as time winds down. There is no quick huddle, the plays called are short dump offs that don’t stretch the field or get chunks of yards, and the clock bleeds time. By the time the Vikings do open it up, it’s much too little, too late. Nothing says ‘I don’t care anymore’ like a three yard slant on 4th and 11 down 14 with less than seven minutes to go.

It’s incredibly frustrating to watch, and the reputation Flip brought with him seems to be based on a resume every bit as flimsy as George O’Leary’s was when he was the Notre Dame coach for about 20 minutes back in the day. Late in the game, after about the 27th three yard pass that felt like it ate up 40 minutes of game clock and produced no first downs, Fox commentator Troy Aikman mentioned that Flip would be a head coaching candidate for a lot of teams in the off-season. I thought to myself ‘good, he won’t be on the Vikings anymore’, which was a completely different feeling than when Pat Shurmur left for the Giants last year.

Buy: Brian O’Neill has helped to fix the offensive line: When O’Neill was drafted, the general consensus was that he was going to have to sit for a year and bulk up, because he lacked upper body strength to be able to be effective in his rookie year. O’Neill has proven that narrative to be demonstrably false, and looks to be a fixture on the offensive line for a long time.

Sell: Brian O’Neill fixed the offensive line. All that said, the Vikings offense is struggling, in large part, to another poorly constructed offensive line. For all the good Spielman has done in constructing a roster in all other areas, the offensive line has been an ongoing issue for almost every season since he’s been named full time GM in 2012. The interior of the line is very subpar, the backups inspire little to no confidence, and if it’s not a priority for GM Rick Spielman in the off-season it could all quickly unravel for the Vikings.

November 26, 2018

Packers at Vikings – Who’s for Thanksgiving leftovers?

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 12:05

In the late game on Sunday night the Vikings played host to the Green Bay Packers. These two teams meeting in prime time would already be a good set-up, but when you take into account that neither team has been living up to its expectations — both of them are looking up at Chicago at the top of the division — and that the matchup might well be a “must win” to keep any playoff hopes alive, you have potentially fascinating stuff to watch.

Minnesota has had a fraught history with kickers over the least 20+ years. The first game between the Packers and the Vikings this season ended up as a tie, at least in part because the Vikings kicker missed four field goals (he wasn’t the team’s kicker for long after that). Vikings fans were starting to feel a certain anxiousness after current kicker Dan Bailey missed two last night. At halftime, head coach Mike Zimmer told a sideline reporter that he was planning to go for it on fourth down in the second half, to avoid depending on the kicker. (He must have just been venting his frustration, as he did let Bailey attempt a kick during the third quarter, which Bailey made.) Of course, if he’d made those kicks, the game would almost exactly have matched my prediction for the outcome (I said it’d be 31-17 and it was actually 24-17.)

Even great players have plays that look awful, like this one: “a pass to Stefon Diggs was interrupted by Adam Thielen getting blocked into Diggs after the catch. Diggs went backwards, and wound up losing ten yards to set up a 2nd-and-20. (It was way uglier than that makes it sound.)” That was, thankfully, not at all typical of either player’s night. The team also broke out a new TD celebration for the evening:

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November 21, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Bear-mauling edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After every game, even a putrid excuse for a game like the Sunday night contest in Chicago, the NFL requires that all head coaches make the time to talk with the local (and sometimes national) sports media about what the hell just happened. Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer is rumoured not to enjoy this particular part of his job, and as a result tends to carefully craft his words to cloak their real importance from the smelly, small-minded hoi-polloi he has to face from the rostrum. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s top expert in Zimspeak, Herr Doktor Professor Theodore “Ted” Glover, BA, MA, Ph.D, etc. Every week, Herr Glover works tirelessly to decipher, decode, decrypt, and de-everything-else required to dig down to the primal essence of coach Zimmer’s koans for we weak-armed, weak-willed, and weak-minded normies.

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

When you’re a warrior poet, you have to be on the lookout for self-fulfilling prophecies from your troops. Self fulfilling prophecies tell you that you can’t do X because of Y, based on past history. You can’t invade Russia in the late summer because of the Russian winter, or that you can’t masturbate without arms, for example. And as much as you tell your troops there is zero correlation between X and Y, because you have a cousin without any arms and he says he did just fine in that department thank you very goddamn much, once your troops believe weird shit happens in Chicago and that you’ll lose, when weird shit does happen in Chicago and you do lose, your troops are almost relieved. But you can’t let them walk around thinking they’re a bunch of no arms whacking reverse Nostradamus fap gods though, because then everything you’ve worked for is lost, and you’re on the street looking for work in someplace other than Cleveland. Yeah, fuck The Land, which is quite possibly the dumbest nickname for any city I’ve ever heard. Except for Green Bay, which is known as the toilet paper capital of the world, and that’s the most accurate nickname for any city ever.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Emperor of the Motor City Feline Tribe, Grounder of Airplanes, Defrocker of Cardinals, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when the Great Unwashed want to know how to keep their fears from becoming a real life Ouroboros, you must speak, to calm them and make them throw up their own ass, so you can get things back on track. And that is where we come in, your friends at The Daily Norseman.* We take what is said in the day after a game press conference, regurgitate what is really inferred,** and then everyone can walk away happy with an understanding of what’s to come.***

*I have no friends.

**We do nothing of the kind. The law firm of Franklin, Bash, and Bateman gently reminds you that this is a work of satire, and any and all interpretations are just mindless bullshit that have no inference on actual words of Mike Zimmer, spoken or otherwise, and they can sue you and take Ted for all his money in exorbitant lawyer fees if you try to sue him.

***If you understand any of this, seek professional medical help.

November 5, 2018

Vikings sack Detroit, 24-9

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The headline would have been even more accurate had it been a road game played in Michigan, but setting a team record for sacks in a game (ten) certainly justifies a bit of hyperbole. In a surprising move at the trade deadline earlier this week, the Detroit Lions swapped their top wide receiver for a third-round pick in the 2019 draft. Through most of the first half, it seemed like the announcing crew had to work Golden Tate’s name into the discussion about every play, even when Minnesota had the ball. It got irritating quickly — not as irritating as a Joe Buck-/Troy Aikman-announced game, but nearly that quick.

Vikings defensive end Danielle Hunter had a career game with 3.5 sacks and a fumble recovery returned 32 yards for a touchdown. Adam Thielen’s streak of 100+ yard games came to an end at eight, as with Stefon Diggs not active, the Lions could double-team him frequently. Thielen shares the NFL record with Calvin Johnson, who set the mark in 2012. Dalvin Cook also showed that he’s getting back to his rookie-year form, rushing ten times for 89 yards, including a 70-yard effort that set up the Thielen touchdown. The Vikings let the Lions stick around a lot longer than they should have, but the end result was still gratifying:

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October 29, 2018

New Orleans Saints 30, Vikings 20, as the turnover bug bites hard

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 10:40

Even the hardcore Minnesota Vikings fans were getting tired of the replays of last year’s “Minneapolis Miracle”, as it turned up so often in media and social media coverage coming up to Sunday night’s rematch between the Vikings and the Saints. This time, largely thanks to Minnesota mistakes, the Saints got the win.

Both teams had turnovers, but New Orleans earned 14 points off Viking errors and Minnesota didn’t capitalize on Harrison Smith’s interception, as Matthew Coller explains:

At 13-10, with the Vikings in front, the much-anticipated contest appeared to be shaping up as expected. A Sunday Night Shootout in front of a crowd that was ready to drive Brees crazy all night.

Then the Vikings caught a break. An overthrown ball by Brees right into the hands of Harrison Smith set Minnesota up to take a double-digit lead into the half.

Instead the Vikings committed back-to-back mistakes that would turn out to not only shape the game but become the trend in the second half.

With 3:03 left in the second quarter, Cousins began dicing up the Saints’ defense again, hitting on two third-and-long conversions, one to Kyle Rudolph and the other to Aldrick Robinson. On first-and-10 from the New Orleans 18, the flung a quick pass to Thielen on a play the Vikings have used with great success throughout this season.

After four yards, the Vikings’ star receiver was drilled by a Saints linebacker, sending the ball tumbling into Lattimore’s hands. He returned it to the Minnesota 33, which might have made it possible for the Vikings to hold the Saints to a field goal, but Laquon Treadwell inexplicably took a 15-yard penalty, setting up an easy touchdown for New Orleans.

At the Daily Norseman, Ted Glover provides his Stock Market Report on the game:

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