The head coach of the Minnesota Vikings traditionally holds a press conference for local (and sometimes national) media after each game. Although Mike Zimmer has a reputation for plain speaking, he still manages to conceal behind the ordinary-seeming words deep koans of wisdom. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover has spent untold years studying and meditating and decyphering ancient scrolls in order to provide Vikings fans with a clear and piercing analysis of the true meanings behind the words of Zim Tzu:
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom
ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you are a warrior poet, every now and then you’ll encounter a foe that has been on a roll and punching above their weight class. They’re outmanned, outgunned, but they rally around a charismatic leader, and that leader makes them think foolish things, dangerous things. Like they can beat you, on ground of your choosing. Or that they can take your place in the postseason dance.
Or that sleeping with a porn star won’t give you the drippy dick…sherman.
So you do a few things to make sure that danger is eliminated. You bring in your own field commander — one that’s steady and who doesn’t call in sick, and then you harass Jimmy Interception with a crazed gang of berzerkers that are in his face more than a gang of paparazzi when he’s out on a date with a gal that’s got more gametape than Jimmy Wrap That Rascal does.
And her tape is more … entertaining. Allegedly. So I’ve been told.
Because there’s only room enough for one Granitejaw McDreamy in this longboat, that’s why. So hit the bricks, Charlie Sheen wannabe.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And when you are better at banging around Jimmy Canyon Yodeler than the Open All Night Diner he’s pouring the coals to, the Great Unwashed want to hear how it happened.
That’s where we come in. What we (wait I mean just me because if this site gets sued over this sophistry I’ll be as popular as a Taliban Leper colony) do here at The Daily Norseman is break down the film* of the press conference, parse what Mike Zimmer said,** then give you a version of what he really meant, based on years of experience doing this.***
* By ‘film of the press conference’, we mean ‘films of Kira Mia’.
** Nothing is parsed. It’s 100% made up bullshit that is disjointed and meaningless. Like Matt Nagy’s playcalling.
*** Look, the FBI is going to end this party any day and somehow tie this to the Mueller investigation. So let’s just have fun with this while we can.
