It’s almost time for the NFL’s 2019 draft, and everyone is sick to death of mock drafts by this point. Everyone’s cousin’s mechanic’s hairdresser has submitted multiple mocks so far, and the one thing that’s for certain is that none of them are right. When the real draft starts, the general manager for the Minnesota Vikings and 31 GMs for other, lesser teams will begin the televised high stakes poker and swap shop that is the modern NFL draft. On Tuesday, Rick Spielman got up in front of the Twin Cities media and lied his head off discussed his draft plan and philosophy. As the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover explains, you can’t actually trust anything any of the GMs say at this time of year, but most especially good ol’ “Trader” Rick:
When Rick Spielman talks, we listen. REALLY listen.
Right now, there is an elite fraternity of 32 men who are being paid millions of dollar to try and bluff, lie and cajole their way into the draft class of their dreams, while trying to deny their other 31 fraternity brothers the draft class of THEIR dreams.
It’s a fascinating social experiment, and God forgive me but I LOVE this time of year. Who’s telling the truth, who’s floating trial balloons, and who’s flat out lying has become the best reality television in the country today, if you ask me.
“But Ted” you say to yourself, “why do you enjoy grown millionaires lie about sports to each other? You have grandchildren now, don’t you want to expose them to honorable men, doing honorable things?”
LOL sure, but this is just sports, so let’s lighten up a bit.
So why do I like this? Because of the GM the Vikings have, one Rick Spielman, Professional Football Man of Leisure. Spielman has taken the pre-draft subterfuge to levels not seen since the height of the Cold War, and no it wouldn’t surprise me if he runs dead drops and counterintelligence operations all the time.
So when Spielman holds court with reporters prior to the draft, it’s must-watch TV. But one cannot take Rick Spielman’s words at face value. No, no no no no noooooooo sir. Do that, and you’ll be disappointed when the Vikings first four picks aren’t a kicker, a punter, and two long snappers. You need to understand nuance, what’s real and what isn’t, and a full comprehension of the technical term we call pre-draft bullshit.
That’s why I am here.* I am the World’s Self Proclaimed Rickspeak Expert, having obtained my PhD from Normandale Community College in the subject.** What I do is take what Rick says and translate it into what he REALLY means.***
* Of all the reasons in the world as to why I’m still here, this is like second to last.
** Okay fine, it was just a Master’s
*** I make up everything. Nothing is real. Welcome to the Matrix, Neo.
