The Onion posted a short “editorial” “by” “Chris Kluwe”. The former Vikings punter responded that he’s quite capable of writing his own biting satire with extremely generous sprinklings of naughty words:
**WARNING. THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE. IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET, LEAVE NOW**
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
A day after being cut by the Minnesota Vikings, former punter Chris Kluwe penned an impassioned online screed
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
chastising the entire state of Minnesota for not caring a single whit about his histrionic outbursts on basically anything he felt
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
would make him somewhat relevant in the modern news cycle. “How dare you snot-felching turkeyshits ignore my desperate cries for attention,”
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
Kluwe wrote, while smashing together multiple run on sentences about the plight of the not at all endangered American prairie dog.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
“I swear to raptor Jesus, if my name isn’t somewhere in the media or on the front page of Reddit in three fucking seconds, I’m going
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
to light your mother’s nipple hairs on fire with her own explosive flatulence.” Kluwe then went on another four page rant about
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
the dangers of poorly maintained water heaters, using such ludicrous phrases like “Satan’s vomiting crotchsphincter,” and
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
“turgid camel cocks,” interspersed with punting stats that not one single person gives a solitary fuck about, and frankly, wishes
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
didn’t exist. When asked for comment, multiple people who claimed they knew Chris Kluwe said, “Isn’t he that whiny dude with the stupid
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
hair?” and, “What the fuck is a punter?” Kluwe’s mother reached out to the Onion and told them her son had died of dysentery twenty
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
five years ago, and whoever claiming to be him now was undoubtedly “some turdgobbling famewhore.”
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
**SATIRE OVER. YOU MAY NOW RETURN TO YOUR DAILY INTERNET**
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
