Potentially offensive language warning — hence the NSFW tag — so the QotD is below the fold:
Man moving to a new facility is like being asked questions about what “the new look should be” when your wife wants to re-do the living room. That phrase should make your fucking blood run cold, and a home improvement project is literally the worst fucking thing a married couple goes through short of one spouse finding out the other has hired a hitman to have them murdered for insurance money. You’re bombarded with question after question until you just want to die. “Hey, what do you think of these for the new curtains?” or “I like this color scheme for the walls don’t you?”, and other questions that are nothing more than Home Renovation Kobayashi Maru scenario for you, the witless Neanderthal that doesn’t understand colors fall outside the “Roy G. Biv” kaleidoscopic spectrum.
No matter what answer you give it’s wrong. For example, the curtain question. The natural reply is “what the fuck is wrong with the curtains that have been hanging for five years? Christ almighty they were great yesterday and now you want all new shit RIGHT THIS VERY GODDAMN MINUTE APPARENTLY. Did we use the existing curtains to wrap and bury a dead body? No? Then why change shit?” But no, you can’t say that, so you have to act like you give two fucks and say “you know honey, the ocean spray color really pops with the furniture and that powder blue candy scheme you talked about for the walls, why don’t we go with that?”
Only HEY GUESS WHAT WRONG ANSWER DICKWAD! because Ocean Spray and Powder Blue are colors used in that TV show your wife doesn’t like, old ladies named Phyllis, and those really weird fuckers three streets down that have a car in their driveway that’s had a flat tire for six months and hasn’t mowed their lawn since 2015 by the looks of it. All you want to do is hang a picture of Bud Grant and some other sports stuff you have in a basement man cave, but no, you gotta run this Gauntlet of Fucktardery where every answer is wrong, potential paint colors have names that could have only been made up by people on acid, and you are one step from thinking “look I only got 20 years left to live anyways so yeah I’m pulling that fucking trigger”. But man, you gotta admit at the end of the day you’ll be the Joker’s Fuck Fuck Boy if that Painter’s Silver wasn’t fucking on point for the walls. Huh. Go figure.
Ted Glover, “Zim Tzu Tries To Pick Up the Pieces”, The Daily Norseman, 2018-01-23.
