The National Football League has certain rules and requirements of the head coaches of all the teams, including a certain amount of mandatory contact with … ugh! … the media. Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer follows these rules — probably unwillingly, and certainly without much enjoyment or enthusiasm — but generally guards his tongue very carefully, not giving out any more information than he absolutely has to and couching that information in ways that are obscure and often inscrutable to the uninitiated media schlub or everyday fan. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman has on their staff Ted Glover, the world’s leading Zimmerologist, who can unwrap the verbal enigmas and decrypt the encoded truth and share with true Vikings fans:
Zim Tzu, image by Eric Thompson, Daily Norseman.
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom
ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
Warrior poets don’t have time for deep, philosophical conversations once they’re in the maelstrom of conflict. You need accurate information, the lay of the land, and then you must make a decision. Good or bad, decisions must be made, because indecision is certain death. Good decisions could still end up with a bad result, for a number of reasons. Poor execution, faulty equipment, any number of things. But at least you give yourself the best chance of success.
And bad decisions? Bad decisions are more than likely going to result in your demise, but fuck it, at least go out with your boots on. And sometimes, even a bad decision can turn out okay with a stroke of luck, or poor execution of your adversary. And when that happens you feel invincible. Glory or death, bay.
Glory or death. Pain is temporary, chicks dig scars, but glory is forever. Unless you really fuck things up and lose, then you’re just a loser looking for answers, and you vow to not fuck things up like that again.
Because you are Zim Tzu, Scalper of the Capital, True King Of The Jungle, Potentate Of Those Who Eat Feces, The Biggest Apple, Commodore Of Outlaw Sailors, Master Falconer, The Once And Future King In The North, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And when you need to explain setbacks, you’ll need help discussing things, because the proletariat has no concept of the shit you’ve gone through, man. None. So you need someone* to take your words and turn them into language that folks understand.**
You’re welcome.***
*Look, you don’t need anyone to help you figure this out. You’re a Vikings fan. Just shut up, drink, and bury those goddamn feelings.
**This whole post is incomprehensible bullshit. All the answers are made up, by me, because I need an outlet to vent and meth, apparently, is frowned upon in my house.
***Seriously, enjoy. Glad you guys like these remarkably bad interpretations of Zimmer’s press conferences.
