In the NFL, team head coaches are required to meet with the media during the week following each game. Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Zimmer is widely known to dislike this part of his job, but to avoid being fined by the league, he somehow swallows his intense distaste for the low-life scum of the sports media world and gets up in front of the microphone. While he’s there, in the spotlight, he answers questions from the great unwashed, but always in secretive koans of wisdom that can baffle the average intellect. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s greatest expert in decoding Zimmerian into ordinary language, Ted “The Decoder” Glover:
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom.
ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
At some point, every warrior poet deals with opponents you try take seriously, but just can’t get worked up for. They’re inferior at almost every position, their field general is more inexperienced than a year one med student trying to do brain surgery, and your field of battle kills birds at a rate higher than Americans shot down Imperial Japanese planes during the Great Marianas Turkey Shoot during WWII.
So you reach into your bag of tricks to keep everyone focused. Maybe you yell a little louder, or swear a little bit more. Or maybe you lay off a little, and let the troops blow off some steam and have some fun
#VictoryMonday pic.twitter.com/a21Hai8xvz
— Minnesota Vikings (@Vikings) October 15, 2018
Whatever method you chose, you picked the right course and approach. Even though it was a slow start and things weren’t firing on all cylinders early, you wouldn’t let a win slip from your grasp. You grabbed victory by the neck, and dragged it across the finish line.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Defrocker of Cardinals, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And when The Great Unwashed need to hear how you dispatched a team that probably tasted like chicken after you cooked them, you just can’t come right out and say it, point blank. That would be a tad uncouth, and unbecoming of a warrior poet. So you need to hire mercenaries* to do your dirty work for you.** We take what Zim Tzu says, then we hook up words and phrases and clauses to get you very far.***
*Hi.
**It’s just a press conference about a football game. No mercenary shit is done. Although it would be cool as hell, not gonna lie.
***No this isn’t Conjunction Junction, Interplanet Janet. It’s just me making shit up about what Mike Zimmer actually thinks, as my lawyers from Franklin, Bash, and Bateman want me to remind you.
