After every Vikings game, win or lose, NFL rules require the head coach to meet with local (and sometimes national) media to discuss the most recent game and any other issues the team may be facing. It’s well known among the cognoscenti that Minnesota’s head coach Mike Zimmer considers this somewhere between distasteful and actual torture, but he forces himself to meet the ravening horde of unwashed media types … because he doesn’t want to get fined.
As a result, although Zimmer is known to be a straight-talker, what he says in these gatherings might not be exactly what he really means. Fortunately for those of us in the Vikings fanbase, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s leading Zimmerologist, the only man who can reliably listen to the words spoken to the masses and successfully decode the real meanings. Let’s hear it for Herr Doktor Professor Theodore “Ted” Glover:
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom
ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
At some point in life a warrior poet will be dealt with unexpected setbacks, maybe two or three, all within close proximity of one another, and it feels like you’re entering a graveyard spiral. How you deal with it determines your way forward, and the paths are quite divergent. Sometimes you can fight through it, level your wings, and fly on towards your destiny. Or things spin out of control, to the point the only thing left is impact, a fiery explosion, and no survivors.
So when faced with this scenario, you can do one of two things. You can just accept your fate and get blown to smithereens, or you can grab the stick and fight. And keep fighting, until you level your wings, let the cobwebs clear, and start moving forward again. Because as any good warrior poet knows, moving forward is the only option, and quitting is for losers. And you move forward, because warrior poets are not losers.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And when you do fly out of the spins people want to hear about your aerobatic tales, and marvel at your death defying stunts. And that’s where we come in.* We’re essentially the barnstorming experts**, that take the words that are spoken, and translate them into what Zim Tzu was actually thinking at the time.***
*We are not in. We’re more out in the cold than a wet dude in the Arctic.
**Airplanes are for folks that are scared to fly. Helicopters are where it’s at, yo.
***My legal team of Franklin, Bash, and Bateman can’t stress enough that this is 100% satire, and no reading of minds or psychic powers were employed in writing this. No animals were harmed, either. Except eagles. GET IT?!?!
