Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer doesn’t like talking to the press even on a good day, and the day after his team lost the NFC title game is pretty much the definition of not-a-good-day. Despite that, league rules require head coaches to speak to the media, and coach Zimmer complies. Grimly, impatiently, unhappily. Among the reporting on the press conference, one always stands head-and-shoulders above the rest because while other outlets merely report on the actual words said, The Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover deploys his unique skills to unveil the real intent behind Zim Tzu’s words.
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom
ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you’re a warrior poet, sometimes you end up getting routed when you were least expecting it. You don’t have a lot of room in your alpha male head to process something like this occurring, so when it does, you sort of stagger around a bit, then take a seat and try to process what just occurred. It’s tough to deal with, and will be tough to deal with for a long time. But as a man and preeminent warrior poet, you embrace the suck and commit emotional seppuku because fuck getting in touch with your feelings. You wall that bullshit up and fucking drink it away, like any warrior poet worth anything would.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Collector of Bounties And Exorcist Of Demons Past, Exiler Of Clan Chicago, Disemboweler Of The Green Man, Declawer Of The Feline, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conqueror of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park and Protector Of The Realm.
Eventually, you need to address The Great Unwashed to try to explain what the fuck went down. And at times like this you need help* to get the true meaning of your words out.** So we here at The Daily Norseman do just that.***
*We all need help after Sunday. Fuck man that was brutal.
**There is no true meaning.
***We do nothing of the sort. I just make a bunch of shit up right after Mike Zimmer’s actual press conference quote.
