After every regular season and post-season game, the NFL requires that the head coach of each team address the media. Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer is not a fan of this rule, but he follows the rules as needed. His lack of enthusiasm for dealing with media swine is noteworthy, and his carefully guarded words are crafted to avoid both giving away essential information to upcoming opponents and avoid facing NFL fines. Under the circumstances, a high quality fan publication like the Daily Norseman would be well advised to employ a highly trained Zimspeak consultant to tease out the real meanings of the zen-like koans that fill a typical Mike Zimmer press conference. Unfortunately, like most fan publications, DN doesn’t have the budget for fripperies like that so instead they get Ted Glover to provide his own unique view of what Zim Tzu really meant:
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom
ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you’re a warrior poet, no matter how good you are at your craft you’ll eventually find yourself in a do or die moment. Everything you have worked for has come down to one moment, and This Moment will define you going forward, for all time. You know it, your squad knows it, and you know that they know that you know, you know?
Although the tools and weapons you have at your disposal are lethal when properly employed, the obstacles placed in front of you make what you have to do impossible, and your situation looks hopeless. Your objective is too far away, with not nearly enough time, and the reversal of fortune you are about to undergo would draw sympathy from Sunny Von Bulow, (Look, it’s an old reference, but by God Google it because that shit is funny right there).
But you don’t understand ‘can’t’, and ‘quit’, do you? No, you grab your goddamn balls, sack up, and unfuck your predicament like a football MacGyver and figure a way to victory, and to live another day. Because by GOD it’s not over until we say it’s over, and this battle is far from done.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Collector of Bounties And Exorcist Of Demons Past, Exiler Of Clan Chicago, Disemboweler Of The Green Man, Declawer Of The Feline, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conqueror of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park and Protector Of The Realm.
And when it’s all said and done, how do you explain it? You can’t really. So that’s where we step in and take over.* We take quotes from Mike Zimmer’s game after press conference, translate them,** and spit out the true meaning.***
*We should never be left in charge of anything ever.
**They are actual press conference quotes. They are not actual, literal translations.
***The only thing I spit up was a beer and one lung watching that game. My goodness.
