This Sunday, the Minnesota Vikings will host the New Orleans Saints in the NFC Divisional round. By league rules, the head coach of each team must address the media at least once before the game, and despite his deep revulsion for all things media-related, Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer held the obligatory press conference earlier this week. As always, Zim Tzu does not dispense his wisdom lightly or to those who are incapable of comprehending the totality of his vision. For those benighted souls, the Daily Norseman gets their only black belt Zim Tzu disciple to provide an informed and educated translation of the guru’s brilliance, appropriately interpreted for the unwashed masses:
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom
ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you’re a warrior poet, you know that conflict is inevitable, and revenge, when used properly, can be a powerful motivator. You live for the conflict, and use the possibility of revenge as something to drive your unit forward, and get them as prepared as any unit has ever been And as you prepare for these conflicts, you try and give your unit as much of an advantage as possible. Sometimes, the battleground is chosen for you and you fight where you stand. In those instances, revenge may not be possible, only survival.
But other times, you choose the ground, and you wait. You lay out your plan, wait for them to arrive to where you want them, and you spring your trap. As you’re waiting, you remind everyone what happened The Last Time, to ensure The Last Time won’t be This Time. And halfway through the conflict, when the opponent realizes there is no escape and you shall have your revenge, you’ll allow a little smile…and then push the sword in to the hilt. Because FUCK THOSE GUYS…that’s why.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Exiler Of Clan Chicago, Disemboweler Of The Green Man, Declawer Of The Feline, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conqueror of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park and Protector Of The Realm.
And even though revenge is a dish best served cold, that doesn’t suffice in today’s world of instant gratification and hot fire takes. Although you want to spit fire at your mortal enemy, you can’t, because you don’t need to give those cheating bastards any fresh ammunition. So your words come out level and rational…and we can’t have that. So that’s where we come in. We take Mike Zimmer’s actual press conference quotes* and transform them from touchy-feely language that’s appropriate for the 21st century** into their true meaning, one that is appropriate for modern day warriors and warrior poets.***
*It’s one of the few things I actually do
**We’re so soft as a society anymore but whatever
***We’re bloggers. About the farthest thing from being a warrior or a poet there is…unless you blog about poetry. Which…yeah
