After each Vikings game, head coach Mike Zimmer is contractually obligated to talk to the local press for at least a few minutes. Although he’s getting better at hiding it, this is the part of his job he likes the least. As a result, he resorts to speaking a certain coded language that only The Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover is fully conversant with, and he generously shares his dynamic translation skills with the rest of us in the unwashed masses:
The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his weekly words of wisdom
ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you’re a warrior poet, it’s your job to set goals for your unit. If you’re a smart warrior poet, you lay out incremental goals on the way to The Ultimate Goal, much like bread crumbs on a path to follow. You know that the longest journey begins with one step, and although you can live with frustration and discouragement, you cannot tolerate failure. So these incremental goals are a way to measure success, to encourage and demand more, and to help your unit along their path to glory.
And as you get closer and closer to The Ultimate Goal, the Incremental Goals allow you to to sharpen the edge of your blade, and to get your unit moving as one. Because as you get closer to the mountaintop, the journey that began with one step becomes a life and death battle, the air is rare, and you know before it’s over your unit will need to dig deep down, to a place many have never had to dig before, to plant the flag on the summit.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Exiler Of Clan Chicago, Disemboweler Of The Green Man, Declawer Of The Feline, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conqueror of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park and Protector Of The Realm.
And when The Great Unwashed want to hear about your goals, you have to speak about them in a manner that doesn’t offend the senses, because if you bring the high heat right away, you’ll turn them off.
So that’s where our job starts,* because we were born to do this.** We take Mike Zimmer’s actual press conference quotes and turn a beer league softball underhand pitch into some high heat that you can use to develop your life code.***
*Actually, this is a hobby. My real job pays me money.
**I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.
***I pray you don’t use any of this to develop your life motto or code, as I hear prison and ruination are terrible, terrible things.
As always, Zimmer’s actual quotes are followed by the Zim Tzu translation.*
*It’s all made up, much like Ted Thompson’s accomplishments.
I especially enjoyed this koan on how Sam Bradford will be re-integrated into the Vikings’ plans:
Q: If you are able to get Sam Bradford back at practice this week, what do you want to see out of him?
What Zim Tzu said: I just want to see where he’s at. How he’s moving, things like that. I hear he’s moving good. I hear he’s throwing the ball good. But that’s all I do is hear. We’ll just go about it and see how it goes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Sam Bradford…now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.
Q: Will you go into that with any expectations of possibly being able to use Sam Bradford?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. It’s way too early to say. We’ll just see how it goes and where it’s at. I’m not committed to say he’s going to play, so we’ll just see how things go. Things could happen. We win a game, someone gets hurt. You never know what could happen.
What Zim Tzu meant: I go into this like the expectations most guys have on a first date. You hope it’s nice, and it works out. And if it doesn’t click, you hope, at a minimum, you haven’t made an enemy out of her. So you’re sitting there at a nice restaurant, having a drink and you’re sorta feeling the situation out with some small talk. Does she like some of the shit you like? Does she have an interesting job or life? Does she have all her teeth? So far, so good. You get a little bit farther down the road, meal is pretty good, she ordered meat so she’s not a goddamn vegan, and things are going well. So now you star looking for ‘holy fuck she crazy’ indicators. Does she have an ex she talks about all the time, does she have prison tattoos, maybe she holds her liquor about as well as Troy Williamson held on to a fucking football.
There might be a red flag there, but you’re willing to overlook the prison tattoos and give this a shot if she is because hey, everyone makes a mistake, and fucking Susan deserved to get shanked during yard time because NO ONE looks at her prison wife that way, Susan. So you know, there’s potential there, and you’re not gonna close the door just yet. But just to be safe you’ll start carrying a piece with you wherever you go because you can go from ‘I had a really fun time with you tonight’ to ‘fuck you and your restraining order because I’ll kill you and your dreams just like I killed Susan’ faster than Christian Ponder can roll to his right and hit Kyle Rudolph for a two yard gain on third and nine.
Q: What is the window on when you have to make a decision on Sam Bradford?
What Zim Tzu said: Three weeks.
What Zim Tzu meant: Whenever I’m goddamn good and ready.
