Ted Glover comes back to us from the most recent press conference of Vikings coach Mike Zimmer and after the appropriate cleansings, meditations, and ritual incantations, distills the wisdom of Zim Tzu for us:
Mike Zimmer, the Vikings head coach and Chief Philosopher In Charge, doesn’t genuflect or toss out false praise after a close, hard fought game that the Vikings lost. No sir, because pats on the back are for the weak and needy, and Mike Zimmer is anything but that. But he does pass out knowledge bombs like a B-52 carpet bombs, if you know what you’re looking for,* and that’s where Zim Tzu comes in. What is Zim Tzu, you ask? Zim Tzu is Mike Zimmer’s calling card,** aside from his football acumen.
*I have no idea what I’m looking for
**I have no idea what the metaphor ‘calling card’ means, it just sounded good when I wrote it
It’s a philosophy*, a way of life**, and one must understand the nuances of the spoken word to get behind what he’s really trying to say.***
*Really, this is just a press conference with me inventing stupid things he never said
**Seriously, if this gives you some true meaning of life or answers some mystical question you’ve pondered for years, you are very susceptible to being brainwashed by a cult. Please seek professional help. Immediately. Like put this down and go see a therapist now kind of immediately
***No idea what he’s really trying to say. This is more farcical than Donald Trump’s hair.
As always, we take excerpts from Mike Zimmer’s weekly press conference and interpret his words into their final, crystallized true meaning.* What the coach actually said will be in quotes, and the Zim Tzu translation immediately follows.
*Seriously, if this were a book, you would find it in the ‘fiction’ section, because it’s all made up. Or in the ‘toilet humor’ category, between ‘dirty Irish limericks’ and ‘fart jokes.’ Wait, this starts with a Z. So it would be last. Where it belongs.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape, I kind of really feel a lot like I did yesterday after the ballgame. Disappointed that we didn’t start better. I think we have some resiliency and some tough guys and some fight. Probably didn’t play good enough to win; too many mistakes against a team like that. We’re never going to have moral victories around here. Questions?
What Zim Tzu meant: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK…we could’ve won that game. Moral victories suck. Winning at Denver would’ve been pretty cool, not gonna lie.
Q: Did they blitz more than you anticipated after recording seven sacks?
What Zim Tzu said: They blitzed a little bit more, yeah. We had a couple mental errors, we had a couple guys get beat, so it was a combination of things. I thought Teddy did a good job of getting the ball out, but there was a couple of time where we weren’t able to adjust the protection because of some of the movement things that we had going on.
What Zim Tzu meant: No more than the Germans blitzed Poland or France back in the day…YES THEY BLITZED MORE BECAUSE IT WORKED. If we would have pulled our heads out of our asses maybe we could’ve stopped it, but sometimes it felt they had 22 or 23 guys at the line of scrimmage. I’m just glad that Teddy wasn’t murdered. He was almost murdered.
