It’s the end of Vikings training camp at Mankato State University, but the final practice didn’t go well. In fact it went so badly that head coach Mike Zimmer was furious with the team. At The Daily Norseman, world famous linguistic expert and translator Ted Glover provides his interpretation of what the coach said and what he really meant:
NOTE: This has a lot of NSFW words. If you’re offended easily, stop now. Also, unhook from the Internet and go unicorn hunting. Near rainbows — Ted
Mike Zimmer is a no-nonsense guy. If you saw his clips from the HBO series Hard Knocks as the Bengals defensive coordinator, you also know his language is … colorful. During today’s last practice before the Vikings break training camp, Mike Zimmer was not happy with the effort.
Unfortunately, as a head coach in the National Football League, he can’t get up in front of a microphone and use his entire vocabulary, like Jerry Fuckin’ Burns used to do. Fuckers. He has to nuance, or maybe even fall short of what he really wants to convey to keep things at a PG, family friendly level. So Mike Zimmer speaks in an offshoot of Rickspeak we like to call ‘Zim Tzu’, modeled after Sun Tzu, the famous Chinese general from the fifth century BC. (Might be the sixth or the fourth though, I can never get that right when counting backwards. Or forwards. Whatever.)
But we here at The Daily Norseman do not have to ‘use our words’ when translating Rickspeak or Zim Tzu quotes, because we are what one would call experts* in translation.**
* We’re not experts. At anything. Except occasional jackassery.***
** This isn’t translation. It’s parody. If that’s not obvious…you have no sense of humor and I weep for your soul. Wait, you probably don’t have one, you humorless, soulless bastard.
*** Okay, most-of-the-time Jackassery.
So an irate Mike Zimmer took to the podium at Mankato. Let’s see what he had to say, and then we’ll translate. What Mike Zimmer actually said will be in quotes, and what we translate* will immediately follow.
* And by translate, again I can’t emphasize enough how much I mean ‘completely make up for comedic purposes’
