{"id":46144,"date":"2018-12-14T05:00:21","date_gmt":"2018-12-14T10:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/?p=46144"},"modified":"2020-09-02T17:35:22","modified_gmt":"2020-09-02T21:35:22","slug":"assembling-the-cosmodemonic-sauder-adept-storage-credenza-from-the-dark-satanic-mills-of-sauder","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/2018\/12\/14\/assembling-the-cosmodemonic-sauder-adept-storage-credenza-from-the-dark-satanic-mills-of-sauder\/","title":{"rendered":"Assembling “The Cosmodemonic Sauder Adept Storage Credenza, from the dark Satanic mills of Sauder”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Having recently had a similar experience attempting to assemble a large IKEA wardrobe, I felt very sympathetic reading of Gerard Vanderleun<\/a>‘s struggles with his cosmodemonic credenza from Sauder:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Item Weight 125 pounds<\/strong>
\nProduct Dimensions 58.2 x 17.2 x 36.3 inches
\nItem model number 418344
\nAssembled Height 36.26 inches
\nAssembled Width 17.165 inches
\nAssembled Length 58.189 inches
\nWeight 133 Pounds<\/p>\n

Some assembly required.<\/p>\n

Some?<\/em> Some?!<\/em><\/strong> This little item took me the better part of 5 hours and left me shaken, exhausted, splinter struck, and drenched in a sweat that fell from the veritable fountains of profanity I launched at this !!!@@**%!*@!!<\/em><\/strong><\/font> item of our damned age. If it had not been a gift and if I had not just come by a pathological fear of fire, this THING<\/strong><\/font> would have been piled in the parking lot in front of my little apartment and set alight while I gibbered and danced about its flames in loincloth, pitchfork and torches.<\/p>\n

Most of the first hour of trying to assemble this overweight and overbuilt POS was spent counting the nine (9!) different sacks of nails and connectors and sorting the various wooden slabs (one weighs in at around 50 pounds) and reading the always delightfully ambiguous instructions illustrated by a set of mechanical drawings in the ever-popular \u201coblique\u201d style.<\/p>\n

The next two hours would have found me assembling the various units to the mantra, \u201cSlowly\u2026. and \u2026.. patiently.. and slowly\u2026 and\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The final two hours would have found me in the 9th circle of Dante\u2019s Inferno looking for the way out with only one beer to my name.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not a petite man and I\u2019m not a weak man. But this one brought this man to a new awareness of his age and his mortality; a mortality that I prayed would not kick in until I had hunted down the sadists behind Sauder and stood them all against the wall.<\/p>\n

In the end I did get the !!!@@**%!*@!!<\/em><\/strong><\/font> item built. It stands on the back wall of my living dining area ready to receive the needful things for which it was made. As for me, I had to take to my couch for half a day just to get over the intense fatigue resulting from tossing 125 pounds of pressed wood around my house and trying to cuss it into place.<\/p>\n

Following this experience I lay on my couch swearing to never, ever, \u201cassemble\u201d any item of furniture. But guess what? Unless you are ready to lay out serious cash, there are no items like that any more. Everything is Ikea-infected and made of sawdust.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Having recently had a similar experience attempting to assemble a large IKEA wardrobe, I felt very sympathetic reading of Gerard Vanderleun‘s struggles with his cosmodemonic credenza from Sauder: Item Weight 125 pounds Product Dimensions 58.2 x 17.2 x 36.3 inches Item model number 418344 Assembled Height 36.26 inches Assembled Width 17.165 inches Assembled Length 58.189 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":35193,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[57,161],"tags":[1395,1159],"class_list":["post-46144","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humour","category-woodworking","tag-furniture","tag-materials"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/favicon.png","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2hpV6-c0g","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46144","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46144"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46144\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":60030,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46144\/revisions\/60030"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/35193"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46144"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46144"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46144"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}