{"id":45893,"date":"2018-11-21T05:00:11","date_gmt":"2018-11-21T10:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/?p=45893"},"modified":"2018-11-20T22:19:12","modified_gmt":"2018-11-21T03:19:12","slug":"the-wisdom-of-zim-tzu-post-bear-mauling-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/2018\/11\/21\/the-wisdom-of-zim-tzu-post-bear-mauling-edition\/","title":{"rendered":"The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Bear-mauling edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"After every game, even a putrid excuse for a game like the Sunday night contest in Chicago, the NFL requires that all head coaches make the time to talk with the local (and sometimes national) sports media about what the hell just happened. Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer is rumoured not to enjoy this particular part of his job, and as a result tends to carefully craft his words to cloak their real importance from the smelly, small-minded hoi-polloi he has to face from the rostrum. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman<\/em> employs the world’s top expert in Zimspeak, Herr Doktor Professor Theodore “Ted” Glover, BA, MA, Ph.D, etc.<\/a> Every week, Herr Glover works tirelessly to decipher, decode, decrypt, and de-everything-else required to dig down to the primal essence of coach Zimmer’s koans for we weak-armed, weak-willed, and weak-minded normies.<\/p>\n

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom<\/p>\n

ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don\u2019t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I\u2019m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn\u2019t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles\u2014Ted<\/em><\/p>\n

When you\u2019re a warrior poet, you have to be on the lookout for self-fulfilling prophecies from your troops. Self fulfilling prophecies tell you that you can\u2019t do X because of Y, based on past history. You can\u2019t invade Russia in the late summer because of the Russian winter, or that you can\u2019t masturbate without arms, for example. And as much as you tell your troops there is zero correlation between X and Y, because you have a cousin without any arms and he says he did just fine in that department thank you very goddamn much, once your troops believe weird shit happens in Chicago and that you\u2019ll lose, when weird shit does happen in Chicago and you do lose, your troops are almost relieved. But you can\u2019t let them walk around thinking they\u2019re a bunch of no arms whacking reverse Nostradamus fap gods though, because then everything you\u2019ve worked for is lost, and you\u2019re on the street looking for work in someplace other than Cleveland. Yeah, fuck The Land, which is quite possibly the dumbest nickname for any city I\u2019ve ever heard. Except for Green Bay, which is known as the toilet paper capital of the world, and that\u2019s the most accurate nickname for any city ever.<\/p>\n

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Emperor of the Motor City Feline Tribe, Grounder of Airplanes, Defrocker of Cardinals, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.<\/p>\n

And when the Great Unwashed want to know how to keep their fears from becoming a real life Ouroboros, you must speak, to calm them and make them throw up their own ass, so you can get things back on track. And that is where we come in, your friends at The Daily Norseman<\/em>.* We take what is said in the day after a game press conference, regurgitate what is really inferred,** and then everyone can walk away happy with an understanding of what\u2019s to come.***<\/p>\n

*I have no friends.<\/em><\/p>\n

**We do nothing of the kind. The law firm of Franklin, Bash, and Bateman gently reminds you that this is a work of satire, and any and all interpretations are just mindless bullshit that have no inference on actual words of Mike Zimmer, spoken or otherwise, and they can sue you and take Ted for all his money in exorbitant lawyer fees if you try to sue him.<\/em><\/p>\n

***If you understand any of this, seek professional medical help.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After every game, even a putrid excuse for a game like the Sunday night contest in Chicago, the NFL requires that all head coaches make the time to talk with the local (and sometimes national) sports media about what the hell just happened. Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer is rumoured not to enjoy this particular […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":35193,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[26,57],"tags":[944,126,179,463],"class_list":["post-45893","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-football","category-humour","tag-mikezimmer","tag-minnesotavikings","tag-nfl","tag-parody"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/favicon.png","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2hpV6-bWd","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45893","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=45893"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45893\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":45894,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45893\/revisions\/45894"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/35193"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=45893"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=45893"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=45893"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}