{"id":44869,"date":"2018-09-12T03:00:45","date_gmt":"2018-09-12T07:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/?p=44869"},"modified":"2018-09-11T22:49:23","modified_gmt":"2018-09-12T02:49:23","slug":"the-wisdom-of-zim-tzu-post-49ers-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/2018\/09\/12\/the-wisdom-of-zim-tzu-post-49ers-edition\/","title":{"rendered":"The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-49ers edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"The head coach of the Minnesota Vikings traditionally holds a press conference for local (and sometimes national) media after each game. Although Mike Zimmer has a reputation for plain speaking, he still manages to conceal behind the ordinary-seeming words deep koans of wisdom. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman<\/em>‘s Ted Glover<\/a> has spent untold years studying and meditating and decyphering ancient scrolls in order to provide Vikings fans with a clear and piercing analysis of the true meanings behind the words of Zim Tzu:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom<\/p>\n

ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don\u2019t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I\u2019m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn\u2019t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles\u2014Ted<\/em><\/p>\n

When you are a warrior poet, every now and then you\u2019ll encounter a foe that has been on a roll and punching above their weight class. They\u2019re outmanned, outgunned, but they rally around a charismatic leader, and that leader makes them think foolish things, dangerous things. Like they can beat you, on ground of your choosing. Or that they can take your place in the postseason dance.<\/p>\n

Or that sleeping with a porn star won\u2019t give you the drippy dick…sherman.<\/p>\n

So you do a few things to make sure that danger is eliminated. You bring in your own field commander \u2014 one that\u2019s steady and who doesn\u2019t call in sick, and then you harass Jimmy Interception with a crazed gang of berzerkers that are in his face more than a gang of paparazzi when he\u2019s out on a date with a gal that\u2019s got more gametape than Jimmy Wrap That Rascal does.<\/p>\n

And her tape is more … entertaining. Allegedly. So I\u2019ve been told.<\/p>\n

Because there\u2019s only room enough for one Granitejaw McDreamy in this longboat, that\u2019s why. So hit the bricks, Charlie Sheen wannabe.<\/p>\n

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.<\/p>\n

And when you are better at banging around Jimmy Canyon Yodeler than the Open All Night Diner he\u2019s pouring the coals to, the Great Unwashed want to hear how it happened.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s where we come in. What we (wait I mean just me because if this site gets sued over this sophistry I\u2019ll be as popular as a Taliban Leper colony) do here at The Daily Norseman<\/em> is break down the film* of the press conference, parse what Mike Zimmer said,** then give you a version of what he really meant, based on years of experience doing this.***<\/p>\n

* By \u2018film of the press conference\u2019, we mean \u2018films of Kira Mia\u2019.<\/p>\n

** Nothing is parsed. It\u2019s 100% made up bullshit that is disjointed and meaningless. Like Matt Nagy\u2019s playcalling.<\/p>\n

*** Look, the FBI is going to end this party any day and somehow tie this to the Mueller investigation. So let\u2019s just have fun with this while we can.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The head coach of the Minnesota Vikings traditionally holds a press conference for local (and sometimes national) media after each game. Although Mike Zimmer has a reputation for plain speaking, he still manages to conceal behind the ordinary-seeming words deep koans of wisdom. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover has spent untold years studying and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":35193,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[26,57],"tags":[944,126,179,463],"class_list":["post-44869","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-football","category-humour","tag-mikezimmer","tag-minnesotavikings","tag-nfl","tag-parody"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/favicon.png","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2hpV6-bFH","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44869","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=44869"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44869\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":44870,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44869\/revisions\/44870"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/35193"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=44869"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=44869"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=44869"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}