{"id":26791,"date":"2015-06-13T01:00:56","date_gmt":"2015-06-13T05:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/?p=26791"},"modified":"2015-06-06T09:31:28","modified_gmt":"2015-06-06T13:31:28","slug":"qotd-washington-dc-summer-weather-and-swamp-dogs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/2015\/06\/13\/qotd-washington-dc-summer-weather-and-swamp-dogs\/","title":{"rendered":"QotD: Washington DC summer weather and swamp dogs"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been doing weather updates on Twitter<\/em> lately. You know, stuff like<\/a> \u201cToday\u2019s DC heat-humidity index is: Saigon brothel early in the morning, warming up to Alabama chain gang hot box this afternoon.\u201d Or<\/a>, \u201cDC heat humidity index: Cool Hand Luke with a chance of Barton Fink.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, you might think this is all about the jocularity, but it\u2019s not. You can\u2019t really get a sense of my rage in these tweets. I hate DC in the summer. Hate. Yes, yes, as a Goldberg I am descended from a desert people, but we like a dry<\/em> heat. This place is so hot, fetid and humid \u2014 actually moist<\/em> is a better word \u2014 that it feels like I\u2019m a homunculus<\/em> walking around the crotchal region of Al Sharpton\u2019s tracksuit circa 1989 (Yes, you\u2019ll have that image to carry around for the rest of your life. You\u2019re welcome).<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, if I were to express my real feelings about the weather on Twitter<\/em>, it would read like Alistair Cooke walking into a backyard full of garden rakes; just one ear-shattering obscenity after another. Right now I could f-bomb Dresden.<\/p>\n

Because both my wife and daughter are out of town, my only companion in all of this misery is my wing-dingo, Zo\u00eb. There\u2019s just one hitch, she\u2019s a swamp dog<\/a>. Every time we go outside into the cloying miasma of aerosolized muck, the look on her face reminds me of the special crossover issue where Godzilla goes back in time to meet Devil Dinosaur<\/a>. For the tiny number of you who didn\u2019t immediately get the reference, Godzilla really dug the hot sulfuric climate in Dinosaur World<\/a>. And Zo\u00eb loves this climate. It\u2019s like she gets extra energy from it. The deer poop stays fresh longer, the squirrels are more likely to lose a step as they flee her wrath.<\/p>\n

I went on Amazon and bought at least a dozen dog toys just to keep her occupied when I am trying to work or sleep. How\u2019d that work out? Well, you know that clich\u00e9 in the movies where the rookie cop visits his first gruesome crime scene and barfs at the horror? Well, if I were from a planet of sentient plush toys, I would be that rookie cop pretty much every morning. I come downstairs in the grey light of dawn every day to find a \u201cliving\u201d room that looks like Charles Manson\u2019s clan declared Helter Skelter on plush toys. It\u2019s a dog-toy abattoir in here; Faux-felt moose and pigs are splayed across furniture in unnatural positions, their viscera scattered about.<\/p>\n

Jonah Goldberg, “Tales from the Homefront”, The Goldberg File<\/em> email “news”letter, 2014-07-11.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been doing weather updates on Twitter lately. You know, stuff like \u201cToday\u2019s DC heat-humidity index is: Saigon brothel early in the morning, warming up to Alabama chain gang hot box this afternoon.\u201d Or, \u201cDC heat humidity index: Cool Hand Luke with a chance of Barton Fink.\u201d Now, you might think this is all about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[57,41],"tags":[72,985],"class_list":["post-26791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humour","category-quotations","tag-pets","tag-washingtondc"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2hpV6-6Y7","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26791","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26791"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26791\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":26792,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26791\/revisions\/26792"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26791"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26791"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26791"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}