{"id":101160,"date":"2026-03-05T03:00:51","date_gmt":"2026-03-05T08:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/?p=101160"},"modified":"2026-03-04T11:48:47","modified_gmt":"2026-03-04T16:48:47","slug":"all-hail-keith-the-apocalypse-bringer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/2026\/03\/05\/all-hail-keith-the-apocalypse-bringer\/","title":{"rendered":"All hail Keith the Apocalypse Bringer"},"content":{"rendered":"

On the social media site formerly known as Twitter<\/em>, Sama Hoole<\/a> sings the praises of Keith the Apocalypse Bringer:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Keith the Apocalypse Bringer is a three-year-old Anglo-Nubian goat in a field in Devon.<\/p>\n

Keith should not be underestimated.<\/p>\n

Keith has been systematically dismantling the ecosystem since approximately 7am, when he ate a bramble. This is significant because bramble is an invasive scrub species that outcompetes wildflowers, reduces biodiversity, and creates dense monoculture thicket that nothing else can use.<\/p>\n

Keith ate it. Keith does this every day. Keith does not charge for this service.<\/p>\n

8:15am<\/strong> – Keith ate a thistle. Thistles are also considered invasive scrub in managed pasture. Goldfinches eat thistle seeds, but Keith’s grazing will ensure the pasture remains open enough for the ground-nesting birds that can’t use dense scrub. Keith has not attended a conservation workshop. Keith arrived at this conclusion by being a goat.<\/p>\n

9:00am<\/strong> – Keith dismantled a section of hedge. This was less helpful. Keith does not have a perfect record.<\/p>\n

10:30am<\/strong> – Keith escaped the field. He was in the road for eleven minutes. He ate a neighbour’s rose. This is not being counted in Keith’s environmental impact assessment.<\/p>\n

11:00am<\/strong> – Keith was returned to the field. Keith regarded the farmer with the specific expression of an animal that does not recognise the concept of property.<\/p>\n

12:00pm<\/strong> – Keith ate more bramble. His digestive system: four stomachs, a rumen full of specialised microorganisms, the ability to extract nutrition from lignified plant matter that would defeat any other animal on this field, is converting scrub vegetation into milk with a fat content of approximately 4.5%. The milk will become cheese. The cheese will be sold at the farm shop. The farm shop is four miles away. The cheese food miles are: four.<\/p>\n

3:00pm<\/strong> – Keith produced manure. The manure will grow the grass. The grass will grow the bramble. The bramble will be eaten by Keith.<\/p>\n

This system has no inputs.<\/p>\n

It has been running since goats were domesticated approximately ten thousand years ago.<\/p>\n

Keith is not aware he is saving the planet.<\/p>\n

Keith is thinking about whether the fence on the north side has a weak point.<\/p>\n

It does. Keith found it at 4:45pm.<\/p>\n

Keith got out again.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And more<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Things Keith has eaten that are classified as invasive or problematic scrub species in managed Devon pasture:<\/p>\n

– Bramble \u2713
\n– Thistle \u2713
\n– Dock \u2713
\n– Nettles \u2713
\n– Coarse rank grass \u2713
\n– Woody shrub encroachment on the eastern border \u2713
\n– A section of blackthorn that had no business being in the middle of the field \u2713<\/p>\n

Things Keith has eaten that were not invasive or problematic:<\/p>\n

– The farmer’s hat (twice)
\n– A corner of the farm accounts ledger (once, in what may have been a comment on farm profitability)
\n– The neighbour’s prize rose
\n– A high-visibility jacket hanging on the gate post
\n– The gate post itself, partially<\/p>\n

Keith’s conservation record: excellent.<\/p>\n

Keith’s record on other matters: under review.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On the social media site formerly known as Twitter, Sama Hoole sings the praises of Keith the Apocalypse Bringer: Keith the Apocalypse Bringer is a three-year-old Anglo-Nubian goat in a field in Devon. Keith should not be underestimated. Keith has been systematically dismantling the ecosystem since approximately 7am, when he ate a bramble. This is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,57],"tags":[570,924],"class_list":["post-101160","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-britain","category-humour","tag-england","tag-farming"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2hpV6-qjC","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101160","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=101160"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101160\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":101189,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101160\/revisions\/101189"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=101160"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=101160"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quotulatiousness.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=101160"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}