Quotulatiousness

November 6, 2019

Sage words from Zim Tzu

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The National Football League has certain rules and requirements of the head coaches of all the teams, including a certain amount of mandatory contact with … ugh! … the media. Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer follows these rules — probably unwillingly, and certainly without much enjoyment or enthusiasm — but generally guards his tongue very carefully, not giving out any more information than he absolutely has to and couching that information in ways that are obscure and often inscrutable to the uninitiated media schlub or everyday fan. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman has on their staff Ted Glover, the world’s leading Zimmerologist, who can unwrap the verbal enigmas and decrypt the encoded truth and share with true Vikings fans:

Zim Tzu, image by Eric Thompson, Daily Norseman.

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

Warrior poets don’t have time for deep, philosophical conversations once they’re in the maelstrom of conflict. You need accurate information, the lay of the land, and then you must make a decision. Good or bad, decisions must be made, because indecision is certain death. Good decisions could still end up with a bad result, for a number of reasons. Poor execution, faulty equipment, any number of things. But at least you give yourself the best chance of success.

And bad decisions? Bad decisions are more than likely going to result in your demise, but fuck it, at least go out with your boots on. And sometimes, even a bad decision can turn out okay with a stroke of luck, or poor execution of your adversary. And when that happens you feel invincible. Glory or death, bay.

Glory or death. Pain is temporary, chicks dig scars, but glory is forever. Unless you really fuck things up and lose, then you’re just a loser looking for answers, and you vow to not fuck things up like that again.

Because you are Zim Tzu, Scalper of the Capital, True King Of The Jungle, Potentate Of Those Who Eat Feces, The Biggest Apple, Commodore Of Outlaw Sailors, Master Falconer, The Once And Future King In The North, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when you need to explain setbacks, you’ll need help discussing things, because the proletariat has no concept of the shit you’ve gone through, man. None. So you need someone* to take your words and turn them into language that folks understand.**

You’re welcome.***

*Look, you don’t need anyone to help you figure this out. You’re a Vikings fan. Just shut up, drink, and bury those goddamn feelings.

**This whole post is incomprehensible bullshit. All the answers are made up, by me, because I need an outlet to vent and meth, apparently, is frowned upon in my house.

***Seriously, enjoy. Glad you guys like these remarkably bad interpretations of Zimmer’s press conferences.

April 30, 2019

An NFL coach admits he has a problem

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The NFL is a high-pressure environment, with big money and big temptations ready to befall even the steadiest of people. Sometimes, they can’t handle the situation themselves and have to look for help … and people in the NFL are not used to looking for help. It can be quite a trial, but sometimes, as Ted Glover recounts, help can be found:

The coach has a problem, but he’s trying to get better

Scene: A dingy basement of what looks to be a Missouri Synod Lutheran church or maybe a VFW hall. In the room are about twenty or so people, sitting on metal folding chairs, sipping on bad coffee. A tall, lanky guy with a scruffy beard and nondescript clothing stands at a podium at the front of the gathering.

‘Thanks for making it today. I’m glad to see each and every one of you, and you are all welcome here. Would anyone like to come up and share their story?’

The gathered people shift uncomfortably in their seats, avoiding eye contact, some with their arms folded. After what seems like an eternity, a lone figure hesitantly stands, in jeans and a short sleeved purple golf shirt.

‘Hi, and thank you, come right up,’ says the man at the podium, as he slips off to the side, motioning the man forward. The man in the crowd shuffles to the front.

He looks fairly unremarkable, mid-60’s probably, with a weather beaten face. Of course, everyone who’s here is beaten, in some way. Everyone is broken, trying to heal. The man now at the podium is no different.

‘Hello,’ he says haltingly, almost afraid to continue.

‘It’s okay, we’re all friends here. There’s no judgement, and what we say here stays here,’ says a kind, matronly looking woman in the crowd, encouraging him to share his story.

The man smiles, ever so slightly. It’s his first smile in what…weeks, months? Years, maybe? He finds a little more courage.

‘Hello,’ he says again, a little stronger. ‘My name is Mike, and I’m cornerbackaholic.’

‘HI MIKE’ the crowd replies in unison, their greeting echoing off the peeling paint on the cinder block walls.

‘’Uh…so…it’s been one draft since I haven’t taken a cornerback in the first two rounds. And I gotta tell ya, it’s been the hardest draft of my life. But I’m moving forward, and I feel good.’

‘Mmmmm-hmmmmm’ says someone in the crowd.

‘It’s weird,’ Mike continues, ‘I never saw myself here, in this spot. Corners were just kind of a hobby for most of my life. I got introduced to them in high school, like I imagine a lot of you did. I was a quarterback, and I mostly avoided them, you know? But then I got to college, and I switched over to defense. I played linebacker, and just sort of got introduced to them more gradually. I guess that’s when I started my downward spiral, but I didn’t recognize it then.’

December 31, 2018

Vikings’ playoff hopes end in dismal performance at US Bank Stadium

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

As a life-long Vikings fan, I had little faith in the “win-and-in” situation the Vikings found themselves in coming into Sunday afternoon’s game against the Chicago Bears … I’ve seen it happen all too often, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to have it happen yet again. The Vikings came into the game looking less-than-convinced, and the peformance on the field was less-than-convincing. The final score of 24-10 was just about right, although shading to flatter the Vikings a tiny bit more than they deserved. Even had they somehow managed to pull out a win late against Chicago’s backups, they didn’t look like they’d be more than one-and-done in the wildcard round anyway.

Lessons learned? Better offensive line players are required to get any significant benefit out of an $84 million quarterback, and you can never have too many good cornerbacks (but that’s always true in today’s NFL). Despite the disappointing finish, I don’t expect any significant changes in the front office, but I do expect a renewed emphasis on the offensive line during free agency and the draft. Despite Sunday’s underwhelming effort, this is still a team that can go deep in the playoffs if they fix the OL, and maintain the depth on defence.

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December 12, 2018

“(Almost) scoreless in Seattle”, prompts the Vikings to fire offensive co-ordinator John DeFilippo

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

Monday night’s game was a great example of how not to run an offence, courtesy of a season-long determination to avoid running the football at all costs. Seattle moved the ball almost at will, but didn’t have the points to show for it until late in the game. Minnesota played as if they were afraid to take any kind of risk at all. The Vikings ran zero plays in Seattle territory in the first half, and went into the locker room down 3-0, but the way they’d been playing, it felt like a lot more than that.

The Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover did his usual Stock Market Report after the game:

Blue Chips:
None. The offense is as fun to watch as a traffic jam stacking up in front of you, the defense gave up 200 yards rushing, and I literally laugh every time Dan Bailey trots out to kick a field goal, because a Choose Your Own Adventure book has less possible outcomes. This team is heading south faster than a flock of migrating birds, and as amazing as it seems, with few exceptions no one on the Vikings plays like they care about what happens right now.

Solid Investments:
Dalvin Cook, RB. Cook looked decent running the ball, although once again he only got 13 carries in a game that was within one score well into the fourth quarter. He also had the Vikings lone touchdown which yay I guess.

Anthony Harris, S: Harris looked like he was one of the few guys going all out on every play, from the first snap.

Holton Hill, CB: I thought Hill played a solid game in place of Trae Waynes, and had a big pass break up in the end zone.

Junk Bonds:
John DeFilippo, OC: The play calling is something right out of a Dystopian Fever Dream where your playbook consists of shit you draw on napkins, and you’ve managed to spill drinks and ruin all the napkins but about two or three, and yeah hey maybe this one will work this time. For example, on fourth and one in Seattle territory, everyone knew in the stadium the Vikings were going to hand the ball off to Latavius Murray. Loss of a yard, turnover on downs. The calls down on the goal line when the Vikings were stopped were questionable, and when Laquon Treadwell has more targets well into the third quarter than Adam Thielen does, something has gone horribly wrong.

Mike Remmers, RG: Remmers was dough tonight, and the the Seahawks were a rolling pin.

Kirk Cousins, QB: Kirk Cousins tonight, in one picture.

Yes, that’s the guy making $28 million dollars turning his back to the line of scrimmage and throwing a forward pass … backwards … to Latavius Murray. While completely ignoring a wide open Adam Thielen 20 yards downfield. It’s so amazing in many ways I feel that if someone paints this in oil it will one day hang in the Louvre.

Last week, after the Vikings’ sad effort in New England, I wrote:

At one point, the broadcast talking heads (Joe Buck and Troy Aikman) were making noises about just how good a job the Vikings offensive co-ordinator had done this season and how he (John DeFilippo) would certainly be a top candidate for one of the head coaching openings after the season is over. I nearly choked to death. Of course, so did the Vikings offence. If what we’ve seen of his body of work is accurate, I think the team should do everything in its power to encourage him to become head coach of another franchise (Green Bay? Can it be Green Bay? Please?). The sooner the better. The man seems to know even less about running a modern NFL offence than I do!

Earlier on Tuesday, the DN News and links post included this, which I fully agreed with:

My yelling was mostly directed at the Vikings’ offensive coordinator. His tenure is a beautiful example of how the national sports media knows very little (the same could be said for the national media in general, I suppose). A narrative gets started somehow, then gains steam, then before long, all the parrots are repeating the same thing. Take the post-season buzz about John DeFilippo. We all heard that John DeFillipo (I have used many other names for him this evening) was a genius, and will be NFL’s next great head coach, and that we were lucky to get him as our offensive coordinator. Well, I have to say that I think they were wrong. I’m not normally prone to over-reaction, but this guy is not good at what he is being paid to do, I see no reason to think that will change, and he is ruining the chances for a very good team to do very good things. He seems inflexible, incapable of adjusting mid-game, and his situational play calling is baffling. 1st and goal from the two? Three straight plays from the shotgun, then the failed attempt on fourth, which I can’t recall right now, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he sent everyone deep. How many third-and-short plays were roll-out plays to the right that wound up being throw-aways? A lot. and if Green Bay still wants to hire him as their head coach, I say they should hitch up the buggy, load it up with a few days’ supplies, and come get him. I’ll be in town Saturday, I could help him pack.

On Tuesday, the team parted ways with DeFilippo, and will replace him (at least temporarily) with quarterbacks coach Kevin Stefanski:

John DeFilippo is a bright offensive mind and he might someday become a great offensive coordinator, but something had to change for the Minnesota Vikings.

After being shut down on national TV in Seattle, the Vikings dropped to 6-6-1 in large part because of the 20th ranked scoring offense. They nearly went six quarters without a score — a streak that was only ended by a garbage-time touchdown at the end of Monday night’s loss.

[…]

While an OC change at this point in the game may seem like a panicked move, there is precedent. In 2012 the Ravens fired Cam Cameron in favor of Jim Caldwell. They went on to put together one of the best performances by a quarterback in postseason history and win the Super Bowl.

The way the Vikings defense is playing, an offensive turnaround could give them a chance to achieve the goals they set out to accomplish in training camp. They allowed just 72 yards passing to Russell Wilson and only six points late into the fourth quarter. The defense has repeatedly given the Vikings a shot to win big games, including against the Saints and Patriots.

Certainly Stefanski isn’t a cure-all. The offensive line is still going to limit what the Vikings can do on offense, but in order to have a shot the Vikings don’t have to be elite on offense, just effective. They haven’t been anywhere close to effective lately.

Zimmer picked the right week to make a change. The Vikings come back home against a competitive, but not great, Dolphins team. They need to prove a winning team can be defeated in order to avoid a complete season meltdown.

Before Tuesday, nothing pointed to a turnaround. Now at least there is a chance.

November 26, 2018

Packers at Vikings – Who’s for Thanksgiving leftovers?

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 12:05

In the late game on Sunday night the Vikings played host to the Green Bay Packers. These two teams meeting in prime time would already be a good set-up, but when you take into account that neither team has been living up to its expectations — both of them are looking up at Chicago at the top of the division — and that the matchup might well be a “must win” to keep any playoff hopes alive, you have potentially fascinating stuff to watch.

Minnesota has had a fraught history with kickers over the least 20+ years. The first game between the Packers and the Vikings this season ended up as a tie, at least in part because the Vikings kicker missed four field goals (he wasn’t the team’s kicker for long after that). Vikings fans were starting to feel a certain anxiousness after current kicker Dan Bailey missed two last night. At halftime, head coach Mike Zimmer told a sideline reporter that he was planning to go for it on fourth down in the second half, to avoid depending on the kicker. (He must have just been venting his frustration, as he did let Bailey attempt a kick during the third quarter, which Bailey made.) Of course, if he’d made those kicks, the game would almost exactly have matched my prediction for the outcome (I said it’d be 31-17 and it was actually 24-17.)

Even great players have plays that look awful, like this one: “a pass to Stefon Diggs was interrupted by Adam Thielen getting blocked into Diggs after the catch. Diggs went backwards, and wound up losing ten yards to set up a 2nd-and-20. (It was way uglier than that makes it sound.)” That was, thankfully, not at all typical of either player’s night. The team also broke out a new TD celebration for the evening:

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November 21, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Bear-mauling edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After every game, even a putrid excuse for a game like the Sunday night contest in Chicago, the NFL requires that all head coaches make the time to talk with the local (and sometimes national) sports media about what the hell just happened. Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer is rumoured not to enjoy this particular part of his job, and as a result tends to carefully craft his words to cloak their real importance from the smelly, small-minded hoi-polloi he has to face from the rostrum. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s top expert in Zimspeak, Herr Doktor Professor Theodore “Ted” Glover, BA, MA, Ph.D, etc. Every week, Herr Glover works tirelessly to decipher, decode, decrypt, and de-everything-else required to dig down to the primal essence of coach Zimmer’s koans for we weak-armed, weak-willed, and weak-minded normies.

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

When you’re a warrior poet, you have to be on the lookout for self-fulfilling prophecies from your troops. Self fulfilling prophecies tell you that you can’t do X because of Y, based on past history. You can’t invade Russia in the late summer because of the Russian winter, or that you can’t masturbate without arms, for example. And as much as you tell your troops there is zero correlation between X and Y, because you have a cousin without any arms and he says he did just fine in that department thank you very goddamn much, once your troops believe weird shit happens in Chicago and that you’ll lose, when weird shit does happen in Chicago and you do lose, your troops are almost relieved. But you can’t let them walk around thinking they’re a bunch of no arms whacking reverse Nostradamus fap gods though, because then everything you’ve worked for is lost, and you’re on the street looking for work in someplace other than Cleveland. Yeah, fuck The Land, which is quite possibly the dumbest nickname for any city I’ve ever heard. Except for Green Bay, which is known as the toilet paper capital of the world, and that’s the most accurate nickname for any city ever.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Emperor of the Motor City Feline Tribe, Grounder of Airplanes, Defrocker of Cardinals, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when the Great Unwashed want to know how to keep their fears from becoming a real life Ouroboros, you must speak, to calm them and make them throw up their own ass, so you can get things back on track. And that is where we come in, your friends at The Daily Norseman.* We take what is said in the day after a game press conference, regurgitate what is really inferred,** and then everyone can walk away happy with an understanding of what’s to come.***

*I have no friends.

**We do nothing of the kind. The law firm of Franklin, Bash, and Bateman gently reminds you that this is a work of satire, and any and all interpretations are just mindless bullshit that have no inference on actual words of Mike Zimmer, spoken or otherwise, and they can sue you and take Ted for all his money in exorbitant lawyer fees if you try to sue him.

***If you understand any of this, seek professional medical help.

October 18, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Cardinals edition

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

In the NFL, team head coaches are required to meet with the media during the week following each game. Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Zimmer is widely known to dislike this part of his job, but to avoid being fined by the league, he somehow swallows his intense distaste for the low-life scum of the sports media world and gets up in front of the microphone. While he’s there, in the spotlight, he answers questions from the great unwashed, but always in secretive koans of wisdom that can baffle the average intellect. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s greatest expert in decoding Zimmerian into ordinary language, Ted “The Decoder” Glover:

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom.

ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

At some point, every warrior poet deals with opponents you try take seriously, but just can’t get worked up for. They’re inferior at almost every position, their field general is more inexperienced than a year one med student trying to do brain surgery, and your field of battle kills birds at a rate higher than Americans shot down Imperial Japanese planes during the Great Marianas Turkey Shoot during WWII.

So you reach into your bag of tricks to keep everyone focused. Maybe you yell a little louder, or swear a little bit more. Or maybe you lay off a little, and let the troops blow off some steam and have some fun

Whatever method you chose, you picked the right course and approach. Even though it was a slow start and things weren’t firing on all cylinders early, you wouldn’t let a win slip from your grasp. You grabbed victory by the neck, and dragged it across the finish line.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Defrocker of Cardinals, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when The Great Unwashed need to hear how you dispatched a team that probably tasted like chicken after you cooked them, you just can’t come right out and say it, point blank. That would be a tad uncouth, and unbecoming of a warrior poet. So you need to hire mercenaries* to do your dirty work for you.** We take what Zim Tzu says, then we hook up words and phrases and clauses to get you very far.***

*Hi.

**It’s just a press conference about a football game. No mercenary shit is done. Although it would be cool as hell, not gonna lie.

***No this isn’t Conjunction Junction, Interplanet Janet. It’s just me making shit up about what Mike Zimmer actually thinks, as my lawyers from Franklin, Bash, and Bateman want me to remind you.

October 11, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-Eagles edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After every Vikings game, win or lose, NFL rules require the head coach to meet with local (and sometimes national) media to discuss the most recent game and any other issues the team may be facing. It’s well known among the cognoscenti that Minnesota’s head coach Mike Zimmer considers this somewhere between distasteful and actual torture, but he forces himself to meet the ravening horde of unwashed media types … because he doesn’t want to get fined.

As a result, although Zimmer is known to be a straight-talker, what he says in these gatherings might not be exactly what he really means. Fortunately for those of us in the Vikings fanbase, the Daily Norseman employs the world’s leading Zimmerologist, the only man who can reliably listen to the words spoken to the masses and successfully decode the real meanings. Let’s hear it for Herr Doktor Professor Theodore “Ted” Glover:

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October 4, 2018

Vikings at the quarter-season mark – Drink the purple Kool-Aid or burn it all down?

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

It’s been a disappointing start to the NFL season for Minnesota Vikings fans, with a merely adequate performance against the 49ers and a tie at Green Bay followed by the “what the hell just happened” home loss against Buffalo and then a short week to travel to L.A. to fall just short against the Rams. One of the team’s emotional leaders is away from the field dealing with mental health concerns, second-year running back Dalvin Cook still isn’t healthy enough to play a full game, and last year’s number one defensive unit is playing like they’re not really sure what they’re supposed to be doing on the field. If you go full-on pessimist, as Dan Persons writes, the season might as well be over:

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September 19, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-tie edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After each Minnesota Vikings game, head coach Mike Zimmer holds a press conference to discuss the details of the game and answer questions from the local and national press. Coach Zimmer is renowned for his plain-speaking, but this is actually a fantastically clever smokescreen — using what appear to be plain, ordinary, everyday words to encrypt his true meaning. This would normally leave the press and the fans lacking in wisdom and knowledge, but fortunately The Daily Norseman has an ace up their collective sleeve: they’ve got Ted Glover, 9th dan Black Belt in Zimmerology, to decrypt the essential truth and present it to us, the unwashed masses.

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

When a warrior poet heads out on the field of battle, he expects to win. But even the best of them fail, and come up short. When that happens, you retire, lick your wounds, and come out the next time, hungrier and more determined to win than ever.

But a stalemate…no one really expects those. A stalemate makes you feel like it was all for nothing. There was no glory in victory, there were no heroic last stands to the last man, no desperate, last ditch gambles that resulted in final victory that will cause other warrior poets to reverently speak of your deeds for all time. But there is some value in a stalemate, although it’s hard to understand at the time. You know you could have won, but you also realize you could have just as easily lost. Lessons are learned, plans are improved, and if you need to sacrifice someone to send a message, then by God that’s just what you’ll do.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when the Great Unwashed want to hear about how you won’t tolerate another stalemate, we swoop in as an intermediary* between you and them. We take what’s actually said, digest it,** then share the true meaning to the masses.***

* We should never be asked to be the go between for anyone over any dispute. Everyone would end up pissed, shots would be fired, and blood would probably be spilled.

** We do nothing of the sort. We completely make all of this up. Well, Zimmer actual press conference quotes are real. Nothing else is. Also you’re living in The Matrix.

*** There is about as much true meaning to this as there is in the image of Jesus in a piece of toast. With butter.

September 12, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-49ers edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

The head coach of the Minnesota Vikings traditionally holds a press conference for local (and sometimes national) media after each game. Although Mike Zimmer has a reputation for plain speaking, he still manages to conceal behind the ordinary-seeming words deep koans of wisdom. Fortunately, the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover has spent untold years studying and meditating and decyphering ancient scrolls in order to provide Vikings fans with a clear and piercing analysis of the true meanings behind the words of Zim Tzu:

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August 5, 2018

Zim Tzu returns

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 16:03

I’m only just getting caught up on reports from Minnesota Vikings training camp (now in Eagan, MN rather than Mankato as it had been for half a century). This is why I didn’t catch the first meditation from Zim Tzu until just now. Take it away, Ted:

The Vikings Warrior Poet Coach dispenses his words of wisdom

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles — Ted

Every great warrior poet has his comeuppance. Napoleon had his Waterloo, Patton slapped a guy in Sicily, Rommel got routed in North Africa. Even Robert E. Lee had his Appomattox.

When you are handed a humbling humiliation, you can do one of two things. You can either slink back in to the corner and become a footnote in history, or you can reflect, rebuild, and try to re-conquer. Because reflection is for the weak, and rebuilding your Army and starting a new campaign is what warrior poets do. Because fuck those horse shit eating douchebags, that’s why.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

When you re-assemble your Army after such a humbling defeat, you must grab their attention, and let them know you mean business. How do you do that? With language that hits home, right between the eyes. Only, when you speak so publicly, you gotta go through Mexico to get to Canada when you’re making your point. Because although you need to set everyone straight, The Great Unwashed can’t handle such auditory brutality at point blank range.

So that’s where we come in here at The Daily Norseman.* We take Mike Zimmer’s verbal artillery, water it down to some something a little less powerful than snakes and sparklers (because what the hell with fireworks being illegal in Minnesota and shit),** and it comes out on the other side fresh and clearly understood.***

*By ‘we’ I mean ‘me’. I tried to talk the new guys into taking the fall for this, and even they weren’t dumb enough to sign on for this.

**Like seriously, not even fucking bottle rockets? Lame. As. Shit. Homeland.

***It’s all utter bullshit. I make everything up, kind of like Jameis Winston explaining his side of the story.

For those of you that are new to the ways of Zim Tzu, we take his official press conference transcript, look at what Mike Zimmer actually said, and then translate what he said into the real meaning right below.*

*Seriously, I make it all up, if you can’t tell five minutes into this.

January 25, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, post-NFC Championship edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 03:00

Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer doesn’t like talking to the press even on a good day, and the day after his team lost the NFC title game is pretty much the definition of not-a-good-day. Despite that, league rules require head coaches to speak to the media, and coach Zimmer complies. Grimly, impatiently, unhappily. Among the reporting on the press conference, one always stands head-and-shoulders above the rest because while other outlets merely report on the actual words said, The Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover deploys his unique skills to unveil the real intent behind Zim Tzu’s words.

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January 17, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, NFC championship edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After every regular season and post-season game, the NFL requires that the head coach of each team address the media. Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer is not a fan of this rule, but he follows the rules as needed. His lack of enthusiasm for dealing with media swine is noteworthy, and his carefully guarded words are crafted to avoid both giving away essential information to upcoming opponents and avoid facing NFL fines. Under the circumstances, a high quality fan publication like the Daily Norseman would be well advised to employ a highly trained Zimspeak consultant to tease out the real meanings of the zen-like koans that fill a typical Mike Zimmer press conference. Unfortunately, like most fan publications, DN doesn’t have the budget for fripperies like that so instead they get Ted Glover to provide his own unique view of what Zim Tzu really meant:

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January 12, 2018

The wisdom of Zim Tzu, pre-divisional round edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

This Sunday, the Minnesota Vikings will host the New Orleans Saints in the NFC Divisional round. By league rules, the head coach of each team must address the media at least once before the game, and despite his deep revulsion for all things media-related, Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer held the obligatory press conference earlier this week. As always, Zim Tzu does not dispense his wisdom lightly or to those who are incapable of comprehending the totality of his vision. For those benighted souls, the Daily Norseman gets their only black belt Zim Tzu disciple to provide an informed and educated translation of the guru’s brilliance, appropriately interpreted for the unwashed masses:

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