December 6, 2017

Words of wisdom from Zim Tzu

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

At the Daily Norseman, ink-stained scribe Dan Glover does his level best to translate the words of Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer into words that ordinary mere-humans can understand and appreciate. This week’s entry covers the outcome of the Falcons game and looks forward to the Carolina game:

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles — Ted

When you’re a warrior poet, understanding the past is the key to unlocking the future. Whether it’s the performance of your army, or the performance of other armies in similar situations on similar battlefields, if you understand history you already know the outcomes of battles before they even take place.

And because you understand history, you had a plan to keep your army focused, and to Make Georgia Howl. It wasn’t easy, as you were facing an experienced unit, on their turf, fighting for their post season lives. But you didn’t give a damn, did you?

No, no you didn’t.

Because you are Zim Tzu, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conquerer of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park, and Warden Of The North.

And when you invade, conquer, and come back home from your March To The Top Seed, the Great Unwashed need to hear tales of your heroic deeds. The who, what, where, when, and why, if you will.

Enter this Pulitzer Prize Winning blog*, stage left. When Zim Tzu speaks, he must use language that is reserved, so as to not offend the masses. So we take what he says in his weekly day after the game press conference, interpret it,** and then transform it into language that we can all understand, and use in our lives to make us better people.***

*We really do have good writers, who put out great content. This is not that.

**If by ‘interpret’, you understand that I literally mean ‘make up everything except his actual press conference quotes’, we’re on the same page. If by ‘interpret’ you think I mean ‘reads his mind to discern what he actually means’, your lawsuit will be thrown out of court. Because you are stupid.

***It’s just a football coach talking about football. Don’t read into it more than that. Namaste.

Don’t miss Draw Play Dave‘s take on the Vikings season so far.

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