November 26, 2017

The latest Zim Tzu meditations

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

After every Vikings game, the head coach has a press conference with local — and lately — national media. It’d be easy to just report on what Mike Zimmer said to the press, but the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover can’t just do what the workaday sports guys do. That’s too easy. Too predictable. Too boring. He’s got to take it the extra distance, really provide additional value to Vikings fans, which is where the Zim Tzu posts come in:

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his weekly words of wisdom.

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our stuff—Ted

Hunting is something that is as old as mankind itself. When you are the Apex Predator Warrior Poet wielding the Ultimate Weapon in your field, and you start to feel you’re truly superior, you need to find something to do to get your adrenaline pumping again. Maybe you go strap on a parachute and jump out of an airplane. Maybe you juggle running chainsaws. Maybe you take Lena Dunham out on a date. Maybe you go old School Minneapolis and walk to work in shorts and flip flops when it’s 15 below out and the snowplows haven’t gone down the streets yet, because Carhartt’s and warm boots are for the weak and the soft, and by God if you won’t show your new neighbor from Georgia just how goddamn tough you are.

But when you are a warrior poet, you must find something that keeps your killer instinct honed, something that keeps you on the path of True Enlightenment, and something that reminds you how final death truly is while simultaneously respecting the life of your fallen foe.

Because you are Zim Tzu, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conquerer of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.

And when The Hunt is successful, the people want to know about it. What weapons were used, how you stalked your prey, and how you made your kill. And when you come back with a zebra pelt ALONG with the original lion? Hoo boy, that’s news.

And that’s where we come in, this pre-eminent Vikings blog.* We take the sanitized, day after the game words of Mike Zimmer,** un-sanitize them,*** and give them to you, uncut and commercial free.****

*It’s a really good blog, my immature 12 year old stupidity aside.

**Look, you wouldn’t swear if you got fined for it, either. And yeah, those are his actual quotes.

***I don’t get fined for swearing. Since I really don’t get paid, it would be even more added bullshit.

****If you’re seeing ads, use AdBlocker if it bothers you that much.

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