November 15, 2017

Zim Tzu’s latest press conference, as “interpreted” by Ted Glover

Filed under: Football — Tags: , , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

One of my favourite things in weeks after a Vikings win is reading Ted Glover’s latest free interpretation of the carefully parsed words of Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer. Ted is … highly creative in his work:

The Vikings warrior poet head coach dispenses his weekly words of wisdom

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and not reading if bad language isn’t your thing. Ted

When you’re a warrior poet, you’re a man of action. And men of action make decisions, decisions which guide your way of life. You need to know, almost instinctively, when you are at the crossroads of an important decision. But you also need to know that sometimes, decisive action is taking no action at all, and staying on the current path. It’s a delicate balance, and it’s a tightrope you walk daily, almost hourly.

Because you are Zim Tzu, Pillager Of Capitals, Conquerer of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.

And when you make these decisions (or non-decisions), they must be explained to your people, and your words must be chosen carefully. Or there will be confusion, hysteria, and panic, and everything you’ve worked for will fly off the rails faster than comments in a political post on Facebook.

So that’s where The Daily Norseman comes in.* We take some of his carefully chosen words from his weekly day after the game press conference and translate them into common language that Mike Zimmer would LIKE to use,** to ensure that panic is not spread amongst the people.***

*Everyone else on staff has disavowed this. I don’t blame them.

**Did you know ‘translate’ is Norwegian for ‘completely make shit up off of what Zimmer said in his press conferences’? It’s True! (it’s not true)

***If a football press conference were to send people in to a panic, we’re pretty much done as a society, is all I’m sayin’…

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