Quotulatiousness

November 5, 2015

The koans of Zim Tzu – Bears edition

Filed under: Football, Humour — Tags: , , — Nicholas @ 05:00

It’s a great philosophical treat to get the words of Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer, as re-interpreted by the Daily Norseman‘s Ted Glover. Glover has made a life-long mission to understand the true meanings of the sometimes occult and difficult phrasing of Minnesota’s own warrior-poet, despite all the difficulties and problems of reducing the essence to the point that mere mortal sports fans can understand. Here’s Ted’s report after the Vikings barely managed to beat the Chicago Bears at Soldier Field last weekend:

When you are 5-2 you can pretty much say and do anything you want. When you’re a 5-2 Warrior Poet and Renaissance Man, you can say and do even more.

Why?

Because you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Slayer Of Bears In Their Den, Eradicator Of Lions, Slayer Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.* People clear a path for you when you walk, pick up your tab at restaurants, and buy you a beer at your favorite watering hole.**

*That’s not really his official title, although admittedly it would look badass on a resume.

**I have no idea if this actually happens, although I would buy him a beer. And admit it, you would too

And when your goal is The Iron Throne, you let nothing stand in your way. Because after yesterday, when the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks under his bed for Zim Tzu.

You are the one who knocks. YOU are the danger.

When you speak, men fear you, respect you, and want to learn from you. But you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Slayer Of Bears In Their Den, Eradicator Of Lions, Slayer Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North, and yours are words of a warrior poet, words that cannot be understood by mere mortals.*

*Actually, I just made up that last part so you’ll keep reading. Because unless you’re an illiterate moron, you understand everything he says, because Mike Zimmer is about as plain spoken and straight forward a man I’ve ever heard speak. If you’re an illiterate moron, you might also be a blogger. Congratulations, you poor bastard, you.

And that is what Zim Tzu is: a language spoken at a level that it needs interpretation*, nuance**, and translation***.

*No interpretation is required

**Mike Zimmer’s press conferences are about as nuanced as an A-10’s 30mm gatling gun that shoots depleted uranium shells. (GET SOME BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

***It’s really just me making things up, and I add a lot of swear words. Because Mike Zimmer fuckin’ swears, a lot. Don’t believe me?

Zimmer_MF.0

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